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Original poster

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

1000 replies

Daftasabroom · 20/11/2022 20:38

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

OP posts:
Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/01/2023 09:54

Can I please ask a couple of questions..
is it common for the partner to think everything I say is a criticism? He is so defensive to all its draining
and changing mind- dh often talks to me about things and we say about doing something but then it changes like the conversation never happened.

i feel very confused as surely I am ok to feel frustrated if xyz doesn’t happen when we have just talked about it but he is mad at me for being frustrated..

ManyNameChanges · 15/01/2023 10:14

At least in my house, yes it’s pretty common for DH to take anything as a criticism.
And nothing is happening in the house unless he has decided that it’s a good idea. DH has the tendency of saying YES when he means NO. So he might agree on something and then wont do it because actually (at least in his own head) he had never agreed to it.
I have to say less so nowadays. He just gets grumpy at me mentioning something needs to be done instead.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 15/01/2023 12:47

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain @ManyNameChanges the criticism thing works both ways for DW, she'll take any comment as criticism but also needlessly criticize anything and everything. I think it's a combination of things not happening the way she was expecting and habit. Yesterday's example "who hasn't put this meat tray in the recycling?". (DS17 is off to Uni in September so I've been encouraging him to cook a few meals and tidy up etc) He made a great spaghetti Bolognese so I wasn't going to give him a hard time for putting the tray in the bin rather the recycling.

Also I've posted previously that it often seems like DWs inbuilt translator doesn't work particularly well. She'll often mistranslate something I say and equally say something she doesn't mean. So rather than saying something blunt and literal she'll try to translate an AS thought into ND and invariably get it wrong. Not a big deal if we're discussing what to have for dinner, but an utter disaster when booking time off work for a significant birthday. Then on the day to declare "I know that's what I said but you know it's not what I mean".

OP posts:
ManyNameChanges · 15/01/2023 13:24

Then on the day to declare "I know that's what I said but you know it's not what I mean".

🤪🤪😢😢

And then DH would get upset if I assume this is not what he meant but he actually meant <insert other meaning> and either it so happens he meant or he meant something else….

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 15/01/2023 13:44

@ManyNameChanges another analogy I've used is that the closer I get to DW the further away she seems. It's like some kind of cloak, from a distance it doesn't exist, but the closer one gets the bigger the barrier becomes - in both directions. It's like I can't see in and she can't see out.

OP posts:
ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 17/01/2023 07:48

Sigh, yet again our youngest knocks on my door on the way to school and his clothes are dirty and his hair tangled and unbrushed.

He doesn't see the need for our youngest to be presentable. Im trying to teach the youngest that society has rules and one of the rules is that you are expected to be clean, neat, wash your hands after the loo and brush your teeth. If you want to get a job, these are some of the basics. Since he's still quite small it's going to be a long haul.

fuckthisforagameofdarts · 17/01/2023 13:15

This reply has been deleted

The poster has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Snap!

fuckthisforagameofdarts · 17/01/2023 13:27

ManyNameChanges · 12/01/2023 11:21

I've just gone down the rabbit hole and read a few papers on ASD/NT relationships, from communication difficulties for the ASD to an analysis of attitude of the NT partner in an ASD/NT marriage from an analysis of support group exchanges (just like what we have here).

There is stuff I agree in there, stuff I disagree but two main things come out to me

  • what we describe in this thread is VERY common. None of us are crazy, seeing things that don't exist or are just living with a twat.
  • the 'solution' that seem to be making things work is what was describe in @FMSucks link and I hate it because, for me at least, it solves noting, just make the situation bearable.

It very much hinges on the idea that the NT partner needs to be more accepting and the ASD one will make an effort to act differently (eg give a goodbye kiss). And the NT parner will get their needs met somewhere else.
There is nothing in there about the fact that a mechanical kiss to say goodbye isnt the same than a loving kiss. There is no intimacy but somehow we are supposed to take that as good enough.
@FMSucks link was suggesting having a pamper day, a coffee morning with friends etc... reminding me of the time old MN advice of 'a spa weekend'. Again not one word about emotional intimacy. Or any of the issues associated with the lack of theory of mind.

On the other side, there seems to be a push towards the idea that the type of relationship we develop with our spouse is linked to our (outdated ofc) view of autism as 'an illness'. Which again 1- misses the issue of intimacy/theory of mind etc... and 2- puts all the responsability onto the NT partner.

I wish there was an approach closer to what @BadNomad described about needs and having no judgement or blame associated with those needs tbh.

I hear you and I'm just starting the separation process.

This thread has really helped in term of support but the acrimony isn't helping at all.

I feel so so guilty for ending a relationship when it isn't his fault that my needs aren't met.
I really don't feel like I can post honestly without being attacked for daring to have a problem.

I'd be happy to set up a support group in Facebook where those of us struggling can post in privacy and support each other.
Feel free to pm if you're interested

fuckthisforagameofdarts · 17/01/2023 13:29

Bluebellforest1 · 12/01/2023 18:35

@Daftasabroom
yes. My expectations are very low.
and also yes, I’d rather be lonely and single.

Same. Not fair though is it

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 17/01/2023 13:33

fuckthisforagameofdarts · 17/01/2023 13:15

Snap!

Show quote history

Double snap.

There's a very odd thing that DW expects me to be thinking exactly the same thing as her at exactly the same time. Daily I get fragments of a sentence. DS doesn't do this and AFAIK DW only really does it with me and her older sister.

OP posts:
fuckthisforagameofdarts · 17/01/2023 13:48

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 15/01/2023 09:54

Can I please ask a couple of questions..
is it common for the partner to think everything I say is a criticism? He is so defensive to all its draining
and changing mind- dh often talks to me about things and we say about doing something but then it changes like the conversation never happened.

i feel very confused as surely I am ok to feel frustrated if xyz doesn’t happen when we have just talked about it but he is mad at me for being frustrated..

Yes. All. The. Time...it's exhausting

DeepThought42 · 17/01/2023 17:01

This reply has been withdrawn

The poster has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

DeepThought42 · 17/01/2023 17:03

This reply has been withdrawn

The poster has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 17/01/2023 21:52

We have conversations that go like this:

DW: what are doing with this?
Me: I don't know what "this" is, I'm upstairs, you're downstairs. Tell me what the 'this" is you're referring to...
DW: well this is "this" obviously....

Two conversations like that in the last twenty minutes.

OP posts:
BlueTick · 17/01/2023 22:38

This reply has been withdrawn

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TomPinch · 18/01/2023 03:48

Daftasabroom · 17/01/2023 21:52

We have conversations that go like this:

DW: what are doing with this?
Me: I don't know what "this" is, I'm upstairs, you're downstairs. Tell me what the 'this" is you're referring to...
DW: well this is "this" obviously....

Two conversations like that in the last twenty minutes.

😆 yep me too, although I'm sure that's not in the autism handbook. I just said "Well once you tell me what it is I can tell you what I'm doing with it." Come to think of it DW doesn't do that any more.

fuckthisforagameofdarts · 19/01/2023 15:49

I have created a facebook group. If you wish to join a safe space for support then please pm me your email address that you use for Facebook

SquirrelSoShiny · 20/01/2023 01:00

I don't do FB so I'll stay here with whoever is left. I think this thread has a real value and I hope it doesn't disappear.

BlueTick · 20/01/2023 07:26

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

TomPinch · 20/01/2023 07:59

Thanks also - I appreciate the thought but I prefer to keep my MN and RL identities seperate.

In other news, and I mentioned this previously, DW has had a massive kick in the teeth at work. Her manner has been criticised, and that appears to be the reason why she has been unable to improve her position. It appears that she may have a cause of action against her employer. So we will hope that something comes of that, but it's wearying that once again she's had the knife stuck in her.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 20/01/2023 08:52

I don't have facebook but I think it's a nice idea @fuckthisforagameofdarts

sorry to hear that @TomPinch. It must be devastating for her, especially when she's worked for a long time for something and sunk her heart into it.

BlueTick · 20/01/2023 09:18

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

BlueTick · 20/01/2023 09:19

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

LoveFoolMe · 20/01/2023 10:49

@fuckthisforagameofdarts I also prefer to keep MN and FBK separate but thank you for the thought and offer.

fuckthisforagameofdarts · 20/01/2023 11:12

No problem at all. I just wanted to offer it if anyone is struggling and doesn’t want to get piled on in here.
I set it up as a secret group so no one can find it, and all posts are hidden from the rest of Facebook too

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