Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

@BlueTick
This is the conclusion I am coming to. There is no fix. It won’t change. Life wlll carry on like this. So it’s either live with it or leave.
**
**
If I could snap my fingers and magic DH out of my life, have enough money to live on, ensure the children escaped unharmed psychologically, I’d do it now.
**
**
Id be quite happy with him living a few doors down, away from us. Happy to be friends, happy for him to date other people. I’d just like a place where he has no influence any more on my thinking or my choices or how I run my life. I could invite people over for the first time in 20 years. And feel at ease.

this is EXACTLY how I feel. I trawl Rightmove daily, dream of decorating and furnishing my house as I want, having friends round, having my own life without his rules. I’m in my late 60’s now, been together 23 years, no shared children. If we sold this house and split the money, I could afford to buy something nearer my adult kids. Why don’t I? Because of some ridiculous notion that I’m in some way responsible for him, and frightened of the fallout when I tell him. But I’m getting closer every day to telling him. I wake at 4am most mornings, running through “the talk” in my head.

@Bluebellforest1 Why don’t I? Because of some ridiculous notion that I’m in some way responsible for him, and frightened of the fallout when I tell him. But I’m getting closer every day to telling him. I wake at 4am most mornings, running through “the talk” in my head.

I've spent years trying to figure out DW. I spent years having conversations (aloud, in the car!) with myself. Yes, I'm terrified of the fallout and I know how much she relies on me but gives so little in return. Things are easier now that I've taken advice to lower my expectations - to expect less back for more effort on my part.

@FMSucks I would rather be lonely and single, than lonely and married, and boy was am I lonely.

@Daftasabroom
yes. My expectations are very low.
and also yes, I’d rather be lonely and single.

I had the lonely and single vs married conversation with DH. He doesn't understand. It's a pointless conversation.

His needs are met. Mine are not. Sometimes I see him trying so hard and it's heartbreaking. Like he's killing himself trying to speak Greek when I'm talking to him in Japanese. He cannot understand. He will truly never understand.

I now think the only way to make it work is to stay together but live parallel life.
And it still has compromises

I have the chat to myself in the 4am witching hour, then I move on. I am the 'provider' of 2 pensions. His pension is rent on 2 very cheap flats. He wouldn't be able to live on this.

Our house is an unfinished (unsellable) renovation - another year's work at least left on it, and all of our savings spent on it.

So I can't leave.....

And yet, today...well each day I clean the log burner, remove the ashes and get it ready for the evening. We have had a discussion about how much ash to leave on the base (to protect the fire bricks at the bottom). I think that the more ash is cleared the quicker the new fire lights. Even so I did remove all but 25mm of ash.

He actually opened the door of the burner and put his finger in the ash to check! And then said it was too shallow!

I removed all the wood/lighter/kindling and threw the ash back on and rebuilt the fire.

It all now seems too foolish/childish hours later, but then I was so very angry and upset, perhaps even humiliated at being 'overseen' and found, yet again wanting. I did so want to say - you do that again and I'll walk, yet I didn't. Sigh

@TimeToLose8 that’s the reason why I’ve just left DH to do all those things that have to be done a certain way and I’m clearly not good enough at.
I never said anything, didn’t enter in an argument. Just left stuff and waited.

It’s working most if the time.
And has the advantage he had to take on a lot more of the day to day responsibilities.

Doesn’t change the loneliness though.

It breaks my heart reading all your stories on here. I’ve been there and I can feel the pain and sadness in all of you. My DS12 is diagnosed Asperger’s and I worry for his future relationships more than anything. I lose many hours sleep thinking about it. I wouldn’t wish my relationship with his DF on anyone.

@ManyNameChanges yes! That is what I will be doing, starting today - one less chore for me. And I know he won't challenge me on it - he hates confrontation....

@BlueTick it's such low level irritation, I tend to get over it and we tick along. I can see the end nearing, and when the house is finished, I will have far more choices.

@BlueTick thanks, what a lovely comment! This is why i keep visiting this thread

@BlueTick thank you for your reply to me, your kind words made me cry, I don’t get much in the way of kind words at home.

You’re right, I need to get the ball rolling. I do have my financial ducks neatly aligned. Writing/ emailing to him is a good idea, I think I need to say it, then follow up with a pre prepared email.

You’re also right, I think, in that many of us here are very caring, empathic types, putting others first.

There lot lot more help available now for autistic children. The most successful marriage I know, he got a lot of help young and he has learned a lot of strategies and tips. It's hard for both sides but it works, and theres real love.

You do now and then see people posting here about what seem to be genuinely successful marriages too.

I thnk getting help,support and guidance young is vital

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar thank you. I appreciate that post and reassurance :)

@BlueTick it sounds like you have a great therapist, I look forward to hearing more when you get more advice (I can't afford one now, when I could afford one I had no idea what was going on, and thought it was me! Which is why I got nowhere and gave up)

@BlueTick

"It's so very very hard. But it sounds like you deserve more. You've done 23 years. Perhaps that's the limit. I'm at about 22 years and I'm cracking right now LOL. I feel like I can't go on.

My therapist today said my DH thinks in terms of logic and processes. And it's very true. The kiss in the morning and at night are a process, a system, there is a logic and with this routine, he won't forget.

I think the hardest things are a) the routines, lack of spontanaeity because routines kill passion, zest for life and b) the criticism"

I find it interesting that we all basically have the same portfolio of issues to work with - all at different levels, but all essentially for the same reasons. Some may feel they may eventually crack (as Blue Tick says) and others can carry on through choice. I find it easy to feel guilty when I feel I'm nearer to "cracking" as I see others coping when I can't. But maybe the combination/severity of issues I am working with is just going to turn out to be incompatible with my circumstances.

In this selection of issues we each have are varying degrees of routines to live with, meltdowns or shutdowns to cope with, feeling belittled or criticised by comments that are probably not meant to be that way, the lack of emotional connection that starves our very being. And, add to the mix, the number of years we've gone through this, as well as the number of years we've been aware of why the issues might be happening, and what our support system is like (friends and family). Oh, (I keep thinking of other things) - how much our partner is willing to acknowledge there are issues and wants to know more and wants to see if they can make any changes, or whether he thinks that the issue is mine. If you look at all these (and others I've not written about), I expect our precise situations are all unique. And yet.... oh so similar... (need big sigh emoji here)

The meltdowns are not so big here, which I'm glad about (generally short-lived). But as you say, Blue Tick, the routines are stifling, the perceived criticism is daily, the lack of emotional reciprocity is devastating, the loneliness is deep, and I've been doing this for the best part of 30 years. I have no family and our dysfunctional social life has reduced my number of friends as we never ever reciprocate invitations because having people in the house is a big no-no. I'm definitely nearer to cracking than I thought I was. All the hints and tips and learning of processes will not create emotional reciprocity and may even become another part of the daily routine which adds to the stifling feeling.

I hope and expect this will not be the same issue in even 10-20 years time for couples who will then be in their 40s and 50s as early awareness/diagnosis will make a huge difference. But, my situation involves a middle-aged man who had no clue there was anything wrong, and still thinks largely that there isn't, and seems (so far) to be unwilling and/or unable to make any changes. I am certainly not demanding that he does, that's his choice. We definitely struggle to learn new things in middle-age compared to our teens or twenties. If even something like a new language takes a lot lot longer for any new words to sink in these days, then I assume life skills are even harder!

I've just found a new therapist who gives me hope. I am hoping that the next few weeks or months will really help. I don't want to be negative and passive any more. It's not me! Yes, Blue Tick - zest for life!!