Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

I find this thread v helpful. Long term lurker. DH diagnosed as adult. Many of your experiences ring a bell!

OMG, massive massive meltdown over dinner. DW is veggie but regularly buys discounted meat with the expectation that I cook for the boys. She never ever texts or phones to say "what do you think". But if I dare to say "dinners sorted" (which 90% of the time it is) I get a full on psychotic episode. You don't appreciate me etc etc.

Thankfully DS now has noise cancelling eat buds.

It's just so very sad. Every thing I do she throws back in my face

And that will be a screaming with rage, run away to the spare bedroom, "you're a fucking asshole" spitting with bile complete meltdown.

We've had a few months of "fair to middling, no too bad" then all of as sudden, kerpow!

You can't be tolerating that sort of behaviour for any reason. I was subjected to it too. In the end I left, which was the only thing I could have done to get the message across.

That was after years of tolerating it and feeling unmoored. Beware of getting like that. It's very disempowering. If you try to make peace you will just be considered to blame and tbh I think ASD is peripheral here.

I came back after a mahoosive apology. After that, the fights slowly decreased over time.

I have sometimes thought that recording DW in full flight, and playing the recording later, would have got the point across to her, but then again maybe not.

Does she apologise once she's calmed down and is no longer in the moment?

This is our pattern too though if anything I'm the volatile one. It's like I contain everything for a certain number of months and then erupt into tears and or yelling. I just get exhausted with trying to hold things together. You guys witnessed my last meltdown and thank you for all your kindness which was like a virtual hug. But tbh it harms us and I agree with @TomPinch it is disempowering.

We're in a quiet phase atm. I'm just using the time to gather some strength.

Hi All, I've never had any apology for anything over our 20+ years together. It seems this last episode is due to a friendship group that has plans without her signoff.

On a brighter note DS2 has had offers from all his uni apps.

Which means he'll leave home to go to uni in the autumn? How are you feeling about the prospect of having no "children" left at home?...

@SquirrelSoShiny that was my pattern too. I would hold it together for months and then erupt over something stupid. He wouldn't understand, think it was about the something stupid I had lost it over, I'd cry, he'd think I had lost my mind and would retreat. Atmosphere would be terrible for a few days and back on the hamster wheel we'd go until the same thing would happen again. Nothing would get resolved.

If I managed to have a calm discussion about things with him when I wasn't upset he would think I was being a moan and nit picking. I could never win. It would utterly soul destroying.

I honestly have no idea how it's going to pan out.

I moved to the UK over a year and a half ago to be with my boyfriend. The whole time since I’ve been battling home sickness and the quirks that come with being in a relationship where one side of the family isn’t able to get to know him but his family has full access to me. I’ve moved multiple times since I moved etc. Basically I’ve been the one to suffer the most in the relationship while he hasn’t had to at all. Last September he said that he would be proposing to me by March 2023. So you can imagine how I felt each time he went to tie his shoelaces or patted his pockets. :P It’s now the end of January and I can’t help but wonder/feel a bit hurt why he would be waiting to the absolute end of the time frame, surely if you love someone the ring would be burning a hole in your pocket. As more time elapses I’m starting to feel more and more bitter towards him considering what I’ve sacrificed to be with him and continue to. Can you think of any reason why he would be holding off? I’ve been trying to chill but the more time that passes the more I feel like he’s leading me on and what if he doesn’t end up doing it?

Sorry, forgot to mention that he’s on the spectrum but not as bad as his brother who likes to yell at me at times. I’m wondering if it might have something to do with his love of familiarity and things not changing.

@Larax it could be so many reasons....
From the normal 'I said we woud get married but actually I dont want to' to thinking that he has plenty of time, 'he is with you isn't that the proof he loves you' or that he doesn't need to do anything until March 23 beause that's your gareed date.

Having a bit of a wobble with my counsellor just now.

I was talking about DH autism and pointing out that there is no way as an austitic person, he could get my NT way of thinking. And that I didn't think, as an NT, i would ever be bale to get how his mind is working either which she clearly wasnt happy about (but didn't say anything - that's my question for her for next time )
We then went on a specific example when DH got upset basically because I thought we had agreed on someting and he didn't. But he was unable to actually express that. Cue for the 'well maybe you need to make your question clearer' and 'you should have reminded him about your agreement before even asking your question' and 'did you actually need that answer?'.... Arrgg...

How can you make the question 'what are your plan for the weekend?' clearer???

We are going to have an 'interesting' conversation next time....

@Daftasabroom I will be in the same position come september.
AND DH wants to move in to his parents's farm and basically gave me no choice (which he accepts). And he refuses to see that that move can lead to all sorts of problems (including the fact the house isn't really suitable to my physical needs).

It's going to be hard to navigate.

She clearly thinks you aren't making reasonable allowances for your partners condition. What are your plans this weekend is a really open question!

I know….
i am wondering what sort of allowances I’m supposed to make though… which is why it will be interesting to see what she has to say.

So many things coming to my mind, including the posts from @BadNomad and meeting everyone’s needs, taking responsibility and where do you draw the line on how much effort you are making for the sake of someone else.

Depends how much you love them I guess @ManyNameChanges

As if love was enough…..

Would we still need MN then?

@bagelbagelbagel that is very naive. And insulting.

You can love someone very deeply and still not be able to be with them for your own wellbeing. Loving someone does not equate to forgetting your own needs and mental health.

That makes me wonder.

If ‘what are your plan for this weekend?’ an open question and too much of an open question, does it mean I’m only allowed to ask closed questions requiring a yes and No answer?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I had never heard about that with autism.

Also, does it work the other way around?

Is my dh lack of ability/will to adapt to MY problems and give me some allowances for MY disability a sign that he doesn’t love me enough….

Or ASD trumps anything else and let him off the hook on that score?

That sort if discussion (like the one with my counsellor too) raises a lot of questions around what can be expected from someone with ASD. And how do you define the boundaries between a behaviour that is entirely ASD and being an arse?
Also around needs and how do you balance contradicting needs from two partners.
How much is the NT partner supposed to take on? Is it fair to expect them to translate and pre empt everything for their DH? Is it even possible - I mean how many times have people been told it’s not possible to read people’s mind and you need to check with them rather than assume?
Why is it always the NT partner responsibility when there is a breakdown in communication?
And why is the NT partner always assumed to have no issues of their own, no trauma and they have their life so much together that they can adjust/adapt/understand/interpret and react in a calm, measured way ALL THE TIME?

Too much blame there imo.
Blaming ASD hasn’t never been right, esp when no allowances were made (work, school, home etc…). Blaming NT people all the the time isn’t right either.
And more importantly blame isn’t going to make things better.