Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

@SquirrelSoShiny I think that if your DH cannot/will not adapt to your (very reasonable indeed) need for affection I think the point has to come someday when you realise that this is not going to happen.

Does he intellectually understand your need, or does he not see it? Or does he hear your words then dismiss it? Or pay lipservice then never fulfil it?

DP will blame me for causing it and therefore doesn’t try to resolve the problem, which they see as mine alone.
It is what it is.

That has been an issue here.
Add to that the fact that external stuff can make him overwhelmed (open plan Office anyone?) and then it’s impossible to have a meaningful conversation.
I also think that I have enough to deal with for myself so dint have the energy to devote to him and sort out the ‘miscommunication’. That sort if things left to him just doesn’t happen.

I see these threads as a conversation, an exploration if you like, and all the words, phrases and sentences need to be taken in context. The pain and emotion, the frustration and loneliness, but also the care and fondness is palpable to all but a very few. Seeing posters scan through looking for snippets which can be misconstrued to support a particular agenda or prejudice used to make me very angry now I find it deeply saddening.

However:

@VahineNuiWentHome I've had that feeling of not being heard by DH (aka Im saying something and he understand something completely diferent and no amount of explaining in a different way changes that once he thinks he knows what my message was)

Yes, all the time.

it ends up with me taking the decisions which neither if us are happy with (because I haven’t been able to read his mind so there are stuff he isn’t happy with….)

Yes, I’ve been told – “you have to show me what I want” three years later we still didn’t have a kitchen because everything I came up with was wrong.

@SquirrelSoShiny Occasionally my irony alert is so loud I'm surprised the ground isn't shaking beneath people's feet.

Reminds of the Black Adder “nugget of the purest green”

it lasts all of five minutes

I’ve used this analogy in the past. We used to try and compromise, but it was like we were stood a few paces apart. We’d agree to each take a step forward. I’d take a step forward, DW would take two steps backwards and we’d be further apart ever, except every time I gave a little piece of myself away until I literally have nothing left of myself to give.

@DeepThought42 As for the mind reading, I think he views me as an extension of him, so I should have the same thoughts and wishes!

Gosh yes. You are far from the first to post this. It should be a compliment really that someone has such faith in their relationship with you, but it isn't really.

As for the mind reading, I think he views me as an extension of him, so I should have the same thoughts and wishes!

Same with ex - and he is the same with the children too which is extremely difficult as he cannot understand they are their own people, and he will not adapt to their specific needs as people.

@DeepThought42 :(

Have you found any ways of helping them to adjust to their father's limitation, and help them cope and build up their own self-esteem independently of him?

When I think about it, both the children's assessor and actually the autism-support centre worker have said that if you talk to them about how critical/insensitive situations makes them feel, how to cope with it (in a non-judgemental way) that can help. Also the astonishingly perceptive assessor said that if they have one sensitive and in-tune parent who spends time with them, that helps. They know then when they are older that it is possible to have healthy, responsive relationships and what they look like.

My AS DS is off on trip to an EU country for 6 days with 3 other AS buddies, they're having a great time, all sage and sound, posting some heat pics. It gets easier.

I should have my specs on really...

Same here except criticism concentrate on dc1. NT, academic and interested in ‘weird things’ such as history and geography. Curious about most subjects. More like me really.
Whereas dc2 gets DH approval and support. Dc2 is autistic, lives similar things than DH. Much more like him really…

It still riles me. Just recently, he had a go at dc1 because dc1 didn’t let him know he was going to see MIL. So DH learnt from his mum. Grumble. Why didn’t you say so….
Except he seems to forget he does that to me ALL THE TIME despite the fact I told him to keep me in the loop. Nope.

It ends up looking like blatant favouritism.

That sounds wonderful for them @Daftasabroom !

For the benefit of anyone following this exchange, my deleted message was a response to StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople's claim that that MNHQ were unsympathetic to autistic people. I said they may just not agree with her. I then said in some detail and force why I felt her contributions were hurtful and of little value (I expect that's why the post was deleted). I then said that her good and genuinely held motives were leading her astray, and that she ought to examine them.

I stand by all the remarks that I made in that deleted post. I will only add that I think they are true of one or two others on this thread too.

I've posted on Mumsnet for about 14 years and I, being someone who is not particularly turbulent, have probably had about 20 or so posts deleted in that time. Naturally I think it's a pity when anything I've written gets deleted but as the post was addressed to you and you read it before its deletion I can live with that. Incidentally I didn't report your post and I don't know if anyone else did. I see that my subsequent reply to you has not been removed, and I think that's helpful as it explains something of my removed post.

It is never my intention to make anyone cry or to upset them. But nor am I going to make that a reason for not saying or doing something. Nobody should be the least bit impressed by anyone who makes remarks that will very foreseeably upset people, and who then complains about being upset when taken up about those remarks. If such a person considers that they have a right not to be upset, then they have a responsibility to extend the same privilege to others, and they need to be careful what they say and what username they choose to adopt. Mine is not because I pinch. He's a character from a Dickens novel.

I am not going to respond to your accusation of bullying because I clearly haven't bullied you.

Every word you said was accurate Tom.

It's very clear that most of the autistic people who come to this thread don't agree with its existence and dislike certain aspects of it, but they are polite and often their perspective is helpful. I will say that when there are more autistic people than the original people the thread is for, something has gone too far. But the most posters are courteous and will engage and have been helpful.

There's always a few gotta throw their weight around in the party they weren't invited to eh? :)

@TomPinch

Your response above is extremely disingenuous

your post was deleted by MNHQ.

It was a vicious personal attack endorsed by two other posters (one of whom has asked for her post saying “I deserved every word” to be deleted)

It made me cry. You made me feel exactly the same way as my bullies did. Nothing you say can change that.

Thank you @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar this isn't a brag but the Olympiad gold medal best in world, (I well up every time I think about it), all the 9's and A*s but it's the every day things that others take for granted that fill me with hope and joy.

It was an attack on your posts, not you, and I carefully phrased it that way. MNHQ have very wide latitude to delete posts, so I'm not surprised it went anyway. I haven't had an explanation from MNHQ (and I won't be asking for one either.)

Sorry that it made you cry, but I think I've addressed that already.

I think everyone who has followed these threads for a while can see exactly what's going on, in all its glory and inglory and can make their own minds up what's actually going on and where people are coming from.

@Fourmagpies that sounds like you've been through Hell.

The best thing to do might be to look at some of Tony Attwood's work, he's specialized in autism all his working life and he's clear sighted but also compassionate all round. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Attwood

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar yes it has been very difficult. Thank you for the recommendation, I'll have a read of some of his work.