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Original poster

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

1000 replies

Daftasabroom · 20/11/2022 20:38

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

OP posts:
gambit7 · 05/01/2023 21:49

TomPinch · 05/01/2023 20:49

It was an attack on your posts, not you, and I carefully phrased it that way. MNHQ have very wide latitude to delete posts, so I'm not surprised it went anyway. I haven't had an explanation from MNHQ (and I won't be asking for one either.)

Sorry that it made you cry, but I think I've addressed that already.

Show quote history

im guessing calling someone unpleasant, vitriolic, non-empathetic, uninformative, uninsightful, querulous, uncharitable and unremittingly unconstructive coubts as a personal attack

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 05/01/2023 21:56

He didn't. He said some of her posts were. Subtle but very important difference. You can dislike behaviour withour disliking the person.

He also said he was sure she was a fine person irl.

DeepThought42 · 05/01/2023 22:03

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DeepThought42 · 05/01/2023 23:20

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SquirrelSoShiny · 05/01/2023 23:56

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I concur

SquirrelSoShiny · 06/01/2023 00:06

BadNomad · 04/01/2023 21:37

Another long post, sorry. I'll split it into a few posts so it's less in-your-face. I want to try to give possible explanations from a ND perspective for a few things people have described. Hopefully it is helpful.

It is interesting to see NT people talking about having to process their interactions with their partners, having to interpret them differently, and react differently. That is what we ND people have to do constantly, with everyone.

It is like being a foreigner in this world. Every interaction has to be translated. It enters your brain, your brain thinks "Ok what does that mean?" It searches through its database, which has been built from a lifetime of experiences, to hopefully find the correct interpretation. Then you think of your response. But if you can't deliver your response in your native language (monotone, motionless, deadpan, direct), you have to translate it back first. Pick the correct words, choose the correct facial expression to display, choose the right body language. Then you present your response. All against a background of noise, anxiety and with the weight of expectation and responsibility on you.

To the posters here, it sounds like your partners skip the last part of the process. They don't translate their responses into NT language for you. But I can understand that because it is so mentally exhausting having to do that with everyone else, every time, every day, that we kind of don't want to have to do that at home with our family too. From your ND partner's perspective, you are their person. You are their mate. Their rock. They chose you. After all, they wouldn't be with you if they didn't love you. They want you to accept all this without them having to prove it in NT ways because that is difficult and unnatural for them to do. It actually feels less authentic to act in a certain way to "prove" feelings.

I found this really helpful, thank you. I think this was v clear tonight when I was talking to my husband about affection. Too tired to write more tonight but thanks for it.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 06/01/2023 08:35

@BadNomad you're not Mrs Daft are you?

OP posts:
ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 06/01/2023 10:54

Im afraid I might have chased her off, unfortunately.

Original poster
Daftasabroom · 06/01/2023 11:20

DW has repeatedly used the exact phrase [I] wouldn't be with you if they [I] didn't love you.
But cannot tell me she loves me and shows me no affection. That's good enough for her and she refuses to believe that it isn't enough for me.

OP posts:
jamoncrumpets · 06/01/2023 13:48

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Maybe MN had a problem with you shutting down discussion so you could exist in an echo chamber.

DeepThought42 · 06/01/2023 14:29

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DeepThought42 · 06/01/2023 14:35

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ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 06/01/2023 14:57

"Actions speak louder than words" (or inaction).

In the end whatever the feelings are, if there is a very deep inability to communicate in a way that satisfies each others needs, the relationship is not working.

I asked the marriage counsellor in a private moment "I am entitled to some emotional connection and support in a marriage aren't I?" (because I really doubted it by that point). He said yes.

You -are- entitled to be in a relationship that provides those.

StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople · 06/01/2023 15:04

@DeepThought42

you referred to the posters offering a different opinion as trolls. That’s probably why it was deleted.

BlueTick · 06/01/2023 15:45

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ManyNameChanges · 06/01/2023 16:11

Just came across that statement from a psychologist.

Silence is an answer.

It seems appropriate to some comments on this thread.
im personally refusing to answer to anyone who is being aggressive, angry or nitpicking. Too much energy feeding what would be seen as inappropriate behaviour in any other settings.

ManyNameChanges · 06/01/2023 16:12

Having said that, if silence is an answer, what do DH silences, the many many silences mean???

jamoncrumpets · 06/01/2023 16:39

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ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 06/01/2023 16:40

When you can only respond with (non-peaceful) silence, it means that communication has broken down, deliberate or accidently.

We are, at the very base level, social animals. Non-verbal communication and esoecially touch are extremely powerful, but an intellectual meeting of minds can only be achieved through words. If you realise that there is no point speaking to someone or if you don't dare, then there is no chance of real, person-to-person communication and meeting of minds .... as social beings, that is essential to our emotional health and often there are physical consequences as well.

DeepThought42 · 06/01/2023 16:54

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Withdrawn at poster's request

DeepThought42 · 06/01/2023 16:56

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StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople · 06/01/2023 17:03

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👏👏👏

DeepThought42 · 06/01/2023 17:12

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Original poster
Daftasabroom · 06/01/2023 17:52

Article on Temple Granding on R4 now

OP posts:
ManyNameChanges · 06/01/2023 18:38

She is an interesting woman!

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