Married to someone with Asperger's/ASC: support thread 7

[Daftasabroom]

New thread, and as previously:

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Apparently I was being hyperbolic. Because my experience isn't genuine.

@BlueTick and @DeepThought42 I was in an all too similar marriage as you both and then I separated from my exDH 5 years ago now. We still live together and rub along quite well as co parents and I might even say friends. Our DS12 is ND and I'd bet my life savings that my DH is too. I initiated the separation, he was shocked and had a breakdown. I was shocked that he was shocked as it was so obvious to me our marriage was dead. No intimacy, no closeness, no connection. There was an ocean between us. I killed myself trying to keep us afloat, from my perspective he did nothing. My anger and resentment was off the charts. I genuinely hated the person I had become.

I went to therapy for two years and still go on and off. I had PTSD and anxiety. I was not in a good place. I can still say that up to last Summer the resentment and anger was still there, it's quiet now but there are triggers still. I literally had to build myself back up from a shell of nothing. I worked hard on my self esteem (childhood issues needed to be dealt with also) and getting to know myself, the eternal people pleaser. I took back control of my life which I think was huge from my perspective as I believed my exDH held all the cards, I was literally a puppet and he was pulling my strings or so I thought. I blamed him for everything, I took no responsibility, sure why would I, I was the one doing everything in the home, keeping us going, keeping the family intact.

The only way forward for me to eventually get peace in my life was to actually stop blaming my exDH for everything and take responsibility for my actions too. It was not his job to be the keeper of my self esteem and self worth, that's my job alone. I had to accept him for who he is, if I'm honest I don't think I ever saw "him" and spent our whole marriage trying to get him to be something he isn't and I'm sorry I put him through that. I researched ASD and in particular NT/ND relationships. This is why I was so interested in certain ND posters here as they have given such an insight where my exDH is not so good at this as he is not aware he may be ND.

I do understand you're in the thick of it and the fog is immense. I am in no way trying to minimise your pain, it is soul destroying I know but I just wanted to share how I managed to start healing and get back up on my feet. I wish you both well. It is not easy.

I am sorry for all the hurt on this thread.

It is possible to be happy again though. It really is - with the right person.

I retrained at 38 and my life is completely different now to how it was.

@BlueTick Yes we can go and see other people if we want to. Neither of us has though. I had a brief fling a few months after we separated but my heart wasn't in it. I really need to step away from relationships for a long time to heal and learn to be on my own and love myself again.

I went back to work at 43 in a position I was well over qualified for. I'm still with the same company but my role had evolved and I've been promoted a few times since. I'm now 48 so you can do it. I love my job and the team I work with and it's given me a huge boost in confidence too.

My children have two parents with them full time, two happier, peaceful parents now. It was very tough for a while though until we found our rhythm. The dynamic in our home has totally changed and it is a much nicer environment to live in for all involved. It might not be the ideal scenario but we're making the most of what we have for now. He may meet someone and move out, I may meet someone but for now it's working.

@DeepThought42 Yes it's very sad. You don't walk up the aisle thinking this is how it's going to turn out. I adored my ex, there was no one like him. He was my true love as it were and I had zero doubts marrying him. I think he'll always be the love of my life and that's okay. I can live with that.

@TomPinch you are treating me and talking to me in exactly the same way as my school bullies. You made me feel exactly like they did. Your (thankfully now deleted) post did that. You take responsibility for it. I stand by everything I have written (none of which has been deleted btw - So the idea that I am being nasty (thankfully that accusatory post by @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar deleted too) is simply wrong.

this thread title gives the impression that all such autistic/non-autistic relationships are difficult. That is not true (see link to NAS website where this is categorically stated). I have suggested this is changed to “support thread for problematic autistic/non-autistic relationships” but somehow this was not acceptable.

So if I see what I believe to be misinformation then I will point it out. I may not be articulate enough to do it in a way which avoids non-autistic people to take (unintended) offence, but just as racism, homophobia, anti-semitism etc would be challenged, I will challenge ableism. This is essential for the next generation of autistic people - hopefully they will face less stigma and more acceptance. We are very far from there.

It seems I am not that good at staying away from this thread. Was feeling guilty but actually very happy I came across @BadNomad posts.

Thank you @BadNomad both for the deeply insightful answer but also for the fact there is no blame at all in your post.

I am currently dealing with the fact the last few days in this thread have made me/my relationship worse than it was before.
I thought we were making headways with dh, in our ways. I ws, in some ways, positive about the changes.
But the 'banging my head on the wall' feeling I've had on this thread reminded me too much of the many times I've had that feeling of not being heard by DH (aka Im saying something and he understand something completely diferent and no amount of explaining in a different way changes that once he thinks he knows what my message was). So at least, for me, I'm back in that dark place where I cant see a way forward.

I know we are all struggling in our own ways with how to handle that marriage in a way that works both to us and our dh.

I found meaningful and supportive answers such as the one from Bad very helpful to get another angle from the ASD angle.

I wish there was some NT women with a sucessful NT/ASD marriage on here too. I suspect they would have great insights too.
A shame that this is not a group whwre people are falling onto eah other to come and guve advice (lets ay in the way many people with sucessfull marriage go on relationships threads to give advice).
I feel like we heading (or are really) into a similar postion than @DeepThought42 as the best compromise to live together. That's not hat I signed for but I am not able to find another way forward just now.

I wish there was some NT women with a sucessful NT/ASD marriage on here too. I suspect they would have great insights too.

I think there are, actually. Hopefully some will post. The two or three successful ASD/NT marriages that I know all have two elements in common in dealing the neurological differences: The ND person has had training in understanding the different communication and interpersonal styles and the needs of the NT person, and the NT has learned to adjust expectations and often to speak more directly. Also, to adjust to the ASD person's need for routine, very careful change-management and various other practical issues.

We have one friend who you can visibly -see- that when he wife says something that he doesn't get, he stops, tries to understand at the intellectual leve and then apply the needed adjustment. It's so clear what he's doing that kinda funny to see (in an affectionate way) and he is self-aware enough to be able to laugh about it. Total respect, because his willingness to consistently make the effort is admirable. She loves him and relies on him and she also adjusts to his needs for routines, things done in a certain way. She says that while expressing emotional support doesn't come by nature from him, it's enough.

What worries me about my ex is that he thinks he knows it all and won't accept the need for any change, not with the children, not with his new partner. I don't want them to split because she's a reasonably good thing for the kids.

Just a quick thing on the stonewalling, I can't speak for your dh but my dh becomes very overwhelmed at any serious conversations, anything that involves big feelings and this manifests itself as him not being able to speak which to me felt a lot like stonewalling because it had the same exact same effect. The following anger was frustration at himself that he couldn't get the words out, couldn't articulate himself and therefore felt kind of unfairly attacked because he couldn't put his side across and felt very misunderstood and hard done by. This was a pattern that we were stuck in for ages and ages.

Now I write things down, give him time to process. Try to keep it simple, read back what I write then edit it down to the main points. Try to keep it factual. I email it to him and he will either email a reply or we will pencil in a time to discuss it but we don't veer away from the points made in the email or again he can't get the words out.

It's incredibly frustrating sometimes(for both of us I'm sure), I think he would very much prefer that I didn't have what to him are 'big feelings'. For me the feeling of being stonewalled was horrific. It made me feel like I didn't matter. So we do it this way. It isn't perfect by any means and sometimes I do long for the simplicity of a two way conversation but as we have learnt to understand each others languages more the need for these big feeling conversations has become less.

Like I said I can only speak for dh and what causes him to 'stonewall'. Doing it our way also needs willing on both sides and a want to make things work from both sides.

Just to add as well the acceptance of all of this only came after dhs diagnosis. Before then he wasn't really willing to accept the differences in communication style, he was right, I was awkward. It was only through our ds being diagnosed, then him that he actually did some kind of self-reflection on everything. He had many 'eureka' moments when ds was being diagnosed. If your husband isn't willing to do any self-reflection at all then nothing can possibly change. Basically, I did a lot of research into what might work to make communication between us easier and brought those ideas to him and we slowly and painfully figured out what would work for both of us.

I agrée @leithreas .
dh reacts in similar ways. My main issue isn’t even the ‘stonewalling’. It’s the fact it’s impossible to have any conversation to plan a future ahead.

Its leading to a lot of issues.

If he has something important, he can’t bring it to me and when he does struggle to accept I might want to introduce changes to his ideas (I’m talking moving house to the house he grew up, selling our house - not small stuff).

If I bring something and try to problem solve with him, he gets overwhelmed and shuts down. That’s even true fir holidays. So it ends up with me taking the decisions which neither if us are happy with (because I haven’t been able to read his mind so there are stuff he isn’t happy with….).

I agree with @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar about the need for the ND to have learnt about communication styles.
It’s the not getting what I said. But also not always sharing his thoughts/ideas but acting as if he had and I knew what he wanted. Dc2 is the same. He often gets upset that I’m asking X or Y because ‘Obviously’ he wants X. I have to remind him I’m not a mind reader and I can’t guess.

Sorry it’s @VahineNuiWentHome .

Forgot the name change back to my name on this thread….

So it ends up with me taking the decisions which neither if us are happy with (because I haven’t been able to read his mind so there are stuff he isn’t happy with….).

Haha, I feel this in my bones! If I had a pound for every time I have said to dh you have to tell me, I cannot read your mind I would be somewhere far sunnier right now. The assumption that everyone thinks the same and how could you possibly not know what I wanted or what I meant when I sat there in complete silence 🙄

🤪🤪 @leithreas

Interesting thread in relationship about a NT/ND couple.
Some stuff resonated with me even though I don’t think it’s about autism at all

Another thread

Solidarity peeps. Still here. Skipping past the sledgehammers but very much enjoying the thoughtful and compassionate posts from NT / ND / everything in between.

Occasionally my irony alert is so loud I'm surprised the ground isn't shaking beneath people's feet. My favourite one being when we're bullied off our own thread by people who like to tell us all about how awful it is being bullied, how AWFUL it is being victims of bullying! I know, right?

Mind blown 😂

I'm really interested in the posts by people who have managed to 'train' their DHs into affectionate behaviour. This single thing would make such a difference. I've asked for it repeatedly, it lasts all of five minutes. I'm going to resume therapy and figure out a strategy for being very direct with DH. We're really at last chance saloon now so we have nothing to lose.

'I'm really interested in the posts by people who have managed to 'train' their DHs into affectionate behaviour.'

Sounds like ABA to me.