How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

So if he tells you he did, your bloke doesn’t need to know anything. Agsin, are you seeing why this is problematic yet?

I'm just going to tell him I'm not comfortable talking about it anymore. I'm not threatening my relationship just because he needs someone to talk to.

Yes I understand he could tell me he has told her when he hasn't. I appreciate that.

I could still tell my partner anyway, and hope that he trusts me enough. Longer term I'll have to see if I can look for a new way to work. I can't afford to change jobs in the current climate, so I'm a bit stuck. Plus I won't get maternity leave straight into a new role if we try for a baby.

Why does this affect your job? Is he your boss?

No he's not my boss. But my office closed during the pandemic and new office is a lot further away. Also not possible to get a train that doesn't go really indirect.

Only real possibility is driving + paying a premium to park (it's a coastal location now so peak beach prices). There is generally no space as it is, we have a car sharing permit which means we can park in a specific car park and it's paid like a season ticket.

He pays this, I've offered to contribute but he won't take any money from him. Sometimes I buy him coffee on the route or something like that so I'm not totally taking the piss. He won't let me pay in any other way (no jokes about sexual favours please!)

For me to drive and pay myself it would be a considerable dent in my income. He is more senior and earns more so more manageable for him. If he didn't come with me I don't know that I'd be able to keep this job.

I have security here due to working there for a long time, plus good maternity benefits. If I were to leave I would lose all that and with the recession looming it's just not worth it. Hopefully that gives some context as to why I don't want to turn everything on its head right now.

Before the office moved we used to see each other on the park and ride bus or get a train so it wasn't a car share but we did often commute together. But I wasn't dependant on him at all then.

He seems to be putting the children's happiness before his

By teaching them that relationships are unhappy and involve (by his account) one partner being abusive and controlling - tracking movements etc?

It's more selfish to stay in a relationship like that, forcing your kids to live under the same roof as that dynamic in the process, than it is to break up and show them what a happy, healthy parent can look like.

Totally agree, I think it's more that his child with autism wouldn't cope as well with it as a child without special needs.

Again I can't relate but it does make sense.

Why have you tried to turn this into a question about how you get to work rather than a question about why you’re not telling your partner about the dynamics of this “friendship”?

You can’t help someone who isn’t open to helping themselves.

He doesn’t want to change the status quo but given past behaviour, he is open to extracurricular activities. I suspect he’s probably looking for permission to cheat.

He should see someone who is qualified to challenge/ support him and that isn’t you.

Because if I can't share a ride with him anymore I am fucked. And that is what pays the mortgage!!

And why would you not be able to share a ride?

I know. I won't be supporting him on this topic anymore,

If I decided I was no longer comfortable with the situation, I'd have to find a new way to work. And then I'm stuck.

My partner is not controlling or jealous. If I tell him he won't stop me but might think the guy is a bit of a sleaze as you all clearly do...

Op i would genuinely mention the situation to your fella. It seems like no big deal to keep this to yourself atm but think ahead. If his partner finds out hes lying, the natural reaction would be to go seeking info, probably from you. You'd need to tell your partner then. And then it'll look weird that this was all kept hidden.

So I've just told him. I said that I recently found out he's hidden the fact we share a lift and just wanted him to know.

I said does this mean I can't anymore and now need to give up my job. He said it's a bit weird. He didn't say I needed to stop the lifts but I think he might be a bit uncomfortable now.

I think it's more because he's 47, he now thinks he's a creepy old man...

I'm not at work today obviously!

So it will be a secret that you are deliberately keeping from your partner in case he doesn’t like it? For how long? A bit like the secret your friend is keeping from his girlfriend about you. As previous posters have said, you may be in your early 30s but you are being naive. Save yourself from this car crash OP.

Good move
id just keep everything in the open now. Lifts with a colleague are fine so if you genuinely have no interest in him then ease off on the heart to hearts, don’t keep your partner in the dark, distance yourself a bit.

Well done, this man is not worth you keeping his secrets for him or your relationship. This thread may not have gone how you wanted but some positive has definitely come out of it!

And your partner probably thinks he is a creepy old man because he is a creepy old man and your partner is not blinded by 7 years of friendship.

And maybe less of the “old man”. I’m older than he is and I’m not “old”

creepy, yeah fair enough

Missed the 😀to show that’s a lighthearted post

You did the right thing OP. Id like to stand up for 47 year olds but not this particular one 😂 I imagine your fellas gut instinct is much like most of the posters on here

What's the point in asking him to tell his partner rather than you doing the same with yours? He can just say he told her, not do it, then keep on doing what he's doing.

So you should tell your partner anyway. You're partners, you love each other. You spending hours every week alone with someone who pretends to his wife you're a bloke is an unusual thing. A noteworthy thing.

It's the kind of thing that in a healthy relationship you would have mentioned to your partner already tbh.