How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

Can I ask what your partner knows about this man. Does he know he keeps you a secret from his wife? Has you saved as a man’s name? Does he know the extent of what he shares with you?

I think you should advise your friend “the more you put into a relationship, the more you get out”. Advise him to really, really commit to his partner and children for at least six months.

The majority of threads on MN that are about unhappy relationships written by women are mostly about how their DP/DH doesn’t pull his weight. Yes there could be a lot of other reasons and she could be an utter cow. But ask why they have children but aren’t married. You could even ask if they have joint finances and if they are both on the tenancy/mortgage.

He is finding a sympathetic ear from you, and if he isn’t rated highly by his wife then that will be enough of an ego boost for him.

I've not told him every little detail but that's not to withhold info. He knows his name, age, has seen pictures of us together (with other people!) from social events, knows we care share. Knows we are friends, knows he helped with my car and helps with work stuff etc.

I've not told him about his relationship problems because I don't tell my friends problems to other peoples.

Hopefully that is considered "acceptable" and I won't get accused of wanting to get in his pants any further.

Also how would you feel if your boyfriend had a much younger female friend whose name he had stored under a man's name in his phone? Who he was lying about seeing?

I bet you wouldn't think it was all perfectly innocent.

I was talking about finances, not parenting. Why does he think he’d have to financially support her? Is he talking about child maintenance, because that would be for the children he helped create, it’s not “supporting her”. Why does he think it would be unfair that he’d have to continue to provide financially for his children that he currently spends all weekend caring for single handed?

People are saying you’re naive because you seem to be blindly believing whatever he says (even when there are blatant inconsistencies) and letting it bother you enough that you post here asking how you can help him. His manipulation of you is working, he’s already getting your attention and head space.

Funny how these men never seem to turn to an older woman with more experience for support and advice.

Does he know you are this blokes secret?

Thank you. I will definitely do this. I've said I think they need to see a counsellor together but will recommend he does this too. Should also help to divert away from any affair vibes in case he is harbouring any that I am not picking up on.

I've already answered this, of course I don't think this is OK and of course I'd be pissed off. I've never said he is in the right about this. And I agree it looks like there could be more to it so I want it fixed.

And I don't mean that you have designs on this bloke at! That isn't what people are saying.

He's already having an emotional affair with you. You're the only one who understands him. You're the only person he can talk to. Without you, he would be miserable.

He is setting you up. He's told you he's nearly had an affair in the past to let you know that's a possibility.

You really are being very naive.

“He's painting a perfect picture of himself and describing his wife as a controlling witch so that you feel less guilt about a quick snog with him.
**
He's told you about his past infidelities (while of course making the right noises that he feels oh so guilty) so that you know that he'll happily accept a blowjob in the back seats
**
He's telling you what a good father he is because he thinks it'll get your motor running and you'll drop your knickers for him.”

If this is the comment you were referring to at no point did @fdgdfgdfgdfg call you a whore or say you would give your friend a blow job in the back seat. I saw his post as a very accurate rundown of what your friend is probably thinking/wishing.

Have you ever known someone in a controlling and abusive relationship? A burner phone is not unreasonable in those circumstances at all. If I really thought he was id be suggesting it seriously. The point is, the 'controlling' narrative isn't stacking up. It seems more likely he's behaved in an untrustworthy manner and his partner therefore needs him to be accountable and honest. Which he isn't being.

The advice actually has been, stop carpooling. Saving a few quid each month stacked against all this drama is not worth it.

Of course and I've never said 100% she is controlling. I don't know and won't know that. I'm also not offering input about that - I am not here to judge the personal qualities of his partner.

The only Bits I wanted to offer advice to him on was the issue around having to pay for everything and bankrupting himself (which I've confirmed what I thought that it's not the case - assume he just feels duty bound to continue paying her mortgage and worries about that) and also his upset around being a part time dad. I'll never relate to that - I have pets not kids right now. Maybe that is his main issue and maybe why people stay together when a relationship is dead. But I can't really help him with that one. I'll give the advice I've got and that's that - then move forwards.

I can't give up the car share right now, money is already tight. But I won't be complicit in any further lies about it.

I also think it's highly unlikely that by the age of 47 he hasn't had one other friend go through a relationship breakdown of some sort. Where he could see firsthand how finances and custody were arranged. I mean, it's not impossible, but does seem a little far fetched. To the point where his only option for advice is his 14 year junior co-worker, who's family set up couldn't be further from his own??

Fair enough, its your choice. But just so you know, he almost definitely will not admit to his partner that he's carpooling with a younger woman from work.

Indeed.

I agree, my husband has a close group of four other men and all of them are on their 2 or third marriage so if he wanted to leave me he could ask them/knows what happened with their marriages.

There’s also lots of men at his work at various stages of marriage/marriage problems/divorce/subsequent marriage he could ask.

Like has been said though he can easily Google the info - plenty of legal forums and places that would support him. At the very least it’s unfair he’s burdened a colleague with this for years rather than doing anything about it.

Of course and I've never said 100% she is controlling.

Except you claim he's asking you all this because he can't even do a google search..... (and he could just ask to borrow your phone, or use a work computer, or whatever).

OP, I'm sorry you are clearly feeling attacked. But you aren't really hearing what people are saying. No one thinks you want to shag this guy. But whenever someone points out the massive inconsistencies in his story, you defend him. He's "gentlemanly" at work so he couldn't possibly do too little housework. Perhaps speak to Jacob Rees Mogg's wife - I bet he opens doors, and carries heavy bags but let's not forget this is ALSO the man who boasted about never having change a nappy for a single one of his multiple children.

This is why you come across as naive. Polite and charming to you seems to mean that everything he says is true and that he couldn't possibly do anything wrong.... even when you admit that his behaviour is not okay. You are believing that his DP is is controlling, even when posters point out why that's unlikely. You are mildly upset that he is lying to his partner about you but largely thought this was justified because of HER behaviour.

Like a PP said - I wonder what your DP would think if he knew that your friend you carpool with keeps you secret from his partner.

This sounds dodgy as hell OP - secret car shares with a woman half his age that he confides all his marital and emotional issues with and pretends on his phone is a man? I wonder why his wife doesn't trust him and won't have sex with him - probably worried about catching something (or he's lying about the no sex for your benefit.....).

Would you really dream of confiding in him in the same way? Would he really be the person you'd talk to if you were having marital or emotional problems? If the answer is yes then you're having an emotional affair, if the answer if no then you need to think about why - and realise that it's because it's really inappropriate.

It's ridiculous to suggest you're going to continue the car share but insist his wife knows. He'll either lie to you about it and not tell his wife or end the car share - because there's no chance of him telling her. I think this is probably the thing that shows most how lovely but naive you are. I think OP that he knows how lovely and naive you are, and I also think you judge every one by your lovely standards.

I wouldn't trust this creep for a second. For a start it seems like you keep saying he doesn't slag off his wife - but then keep saying all the not really very nice things he says about her.

Not wife don’t forget, girlfriend. Because this man who is sooooo naive about finances, didn’t marry his long term girlfriend who he had two children with, one of whom is autistic and presumably she has had to make sacrifices to her career to work around…

I'm not sure how many times I need to say he isn't married. This is why he isn't sure how it all works, because everyone else is married.

He can just tell her to leave if the house is in his name. And tell her he wants 50:50 custody. He doesn’t need to pay her anything at all. If she refuses custody he can go to court, the forms are around £300 and he will be given 50:50 and he won’t have to pay maintenance.

I've no idea if the house is solely in his name, it could be both of their names. I'm not going to ask as I don't want to involve myself in things any further.

I will pass the info on and leave it there. I think from what he was saying he feels obliged to continue paying her mortgage even though they aren't married. And is struggling to leave due to not wanting to be a part time parent. I doubt it has anything to do with her being controlling or not.

He isn't going to kick her out or tell her to leave. And rightfully so, that would be awful to do.

And if he doesn't want to be a part time parent, his only opinion is to work on his relationship with counselling or watering it like previous posters have suggested. So that will be my advice to him.

I'm realising that if he doesn't want to not live with the children full time, then his finances etc don't really come into it. So I'll say that as well.

Well, as you clearly don't understand the bare minimum of how finances work in these sort of situations, no wonder he's coming to you. Any other woman would have laughed at him for being so "scared" of being taken to the cleaners. By talking to you he gets to continue this narrative of him as the victim.

I mean, if his concern is that he would feel morally obliged to continue to 100% support his children and his ex girlfriend and he's not sure how he would do that AND live a separate life, well then, fair enough. Except NOTHING you have said suggests that's his concern.

For the avoidance of doubt - the courts will aim originally for 50/50 custody. If it is agreed that he would not have 50/50 but only, say, EOW, he would be expected to pay child maintenance. The legally mandated amount is relatively low and is based on how many days the child/ren are with their father as a proportion of his salary.

As they are not married, it would be difficult for her to claim any of his assets etc. If she has been contributing to the mortgage etc, she may be able to make a case for SOME equity, particularly if she has children that require a home. But the chances of her getting a whole lot is unlikely.