How to help a (male) friend who's miserable?

[notaverygoodagonyaunt]

I've got a male friend who seems to be a bit stuck and unhappy in his home situation. Trying not to get too involved but he struggles to talk to his male friends about it as openly.

Him and his girlfriend aren't happy, don't have any intimacy anymore, no date nights and don't really get along as a couple. They have children, and one child has a specific type of autism/behavioural issues.

In his mind, he's not young anymore, doesn't want to be a part time parent and couldn't afford financially to split up. I expect there's also a level of fear of being alone/shaking up the current level of 'comfortable' too. Seems like they're together for convenience and children - they do have a lot of shared friends and have been together a very long time.

He thinks she is very controlling, but I think he has also at least contemplated being unfaithful in the past. Not with me. He seems to be truly miserable but at the same time feels like he can't do anything about it as it will make it worse.

I've said it's not too late to start over and find someone who might make him happy. But he thinks it'll mess the children up and financially cripple him. He's not married but a far higher earner, I'm not too sure realistically what that means as I don't have children yet.

I think he has low self esteem and anxiety which is keeping him stuck. I don't know his girlfriend very well, I assume she's in a similar boat as she has taken him back after him getting close to someone he used to work with.

I think he's actually a good guy - he does his fair share of the parenting, he provides most of the money, he doesn't complain about his partner or blame her for this - but he seems totally lost and miserable and thinks he's too old now and can't change it.

I'm not sure how I can help him - if he wants to stay with her I think he needs to take some steps to improve things and work on date nights, intimacy etc. He says neither of them is interested. But without that there's more likelihood of getting close to other people surely?

If he doesn't want to stay with her - surely it's best that he move on now and hopefully meet someone new before he's wasted any more years and even older. I want to help and offer advice, equally I don't want to get too mixed up in it - he just seems so unhappy and it's really sad to see.

If he does most of the childcare he could ask for sole custody.

Yes I think it's your second paragraph. Sorry I can't requote a post with a quote.

Gerbils - thank you. Tbh this is all I needed to know. You can call me naive if you wish but this is exactly what I thought was the case. In my own relationship for example
If we were to split, equity would be halved and we would get back what we have put in. I said this to him but he was still in a panic about it. It's definitely feeling morally obliged to continue paying and support them all that is his concern.

Cut out the relationship chat on your drive to work, for goodness sake. This is veering into emotional affair territory, even if you can't see it.

Tell him you're a big fan of Carpool Karaoke and can he pretend to be Rod Stewart/Justin Bieber/Jon Bon Jovi/Harry Styles/Elton John on your next commute. No more talking, just lots of out of tune singing.

It's up to him to make or break his relationship, not you, so keep out of it.

Never trust a man who slags off his wife to you for sympathy. No good comes of it OP. You seem too invested a bit wet behind the lugs a bit. That's ok, it happens. Just dial down the sympathy. It's not your circus.

Agree.

I'd really distance myself. The car share needs to stop too. It's just to familiar and weird.

You seem like you want to be a genuine good friend but he's married. It's just a bit strange.

I'd step away. Let him sort himself out. It's not for you to fix.

Can I ask this again?

I've said that I haven't told anyone about his personal problems. He hasn't come up in conversation and it would be a bit weird to say 'oh by the way, I've recently found out Liam tells his girlfriend I'm a man and she doesn't know we share a lift to work'

But he knows I share a lift with him. Knows who he is... I've been as transparent as can be. I am not going to shit stir by adding that he hasn't been so honest. I'm just going to ask him to tell her the truth.

He's even seen him pick me up from our driveway FFS. I am not hiding anything!!

But you are.

No I'm not. If it came up then I would say I find it a bit odd. But it hasn't. I'm not hiding a thing - all my work friends, my partner, my mum and my sister know I get a lift with this man.

Actually my mum does know he hides it. She did think it was strange but didn't say it was my job to tell the world.

So no then

so you have a secret from your partner regarding how your “friend” sees your relationship. And you don’t see that this is problematic.

you’re complicit in the lying. And you’re minimising my saying “oh he sees me get picked up”.

you’re playing with fire and you know it

FFS I'll tell him then - I am not lying. I've got no dodgy intentions, he is 47!!

You see, that is exactly the kind of thing I would share with my DH if I was in your situation. I’d be saying that I was feeling uncomfortable with the car share situation because X has been talking about his marital problems, and I’ve been trying to be sympathetic/ offer advice, but then I found out he’s got my number under a man’s name is his phone, and that feels weird even though X says it’s because his wife is controlling.

The fact you haven’t told your DP is quite telling. You say that it’s because you don’t want to share other people’s secrets, but is it because you know he would be hurt or angry about it?

Have you heard of reducto ad absurdum?

no one says you need to tell the world. Just your partner but you don’t want to. Think about why that is…

It's because I might need to get a new job if I can't find a new car share partner,

My partner isn't the jealous type and probably wouldn't tell me to stop sharing it - but this is all stressing me out like I've got something to hide when I haven't. I've not lied or withheld this stuff from anyone. I only found out recently that he has.

I've not said I don't want to I just don't want to cause any unecessary drama.

The office moved location during the pandemic so my commute is now double what it was. Nobody else comes this same route and I really don't want to fuck up my commute when I'm financially not in the best place at the moment.

So if you tell your partner that might lead to no longer car sharing? Why?

I wonder why you're so defensive...

He wouldn't stop me but it's like admitting this man has dodgy intentions towards me. But I don't think he does. I don't know why the fuck he lies I just want him to stop that and then everything will be fine.

I'm going to ask him to tell his partner. Give him a chance to do the right thing. If he doesn't I will tell my partner and we can figure out what to do from there.

OP, I'm glad you found my post helpful. But to be clear, I think you are being dreadfully naive and that this man is definitely manipulating you, lying to you and treating his partner appallingly. Sorry.

What will happen now is you will feedback what other posters and I have said about finances. But I bet you £100 that he won't then say, "oh, that's a relief. I want to be supportive but I need to be careful". Instead, he'll give you some new reason why he's worried/ can't leave her/ she's controlling.

Ironically, this IS common in people who are genuinely being controlled. But it's also common in the case of manipulative lying schmucks.

do the lying about your name does indicate dodgy intentions then?