BF is insecure and needy - can it work?

[sarahlouis]

He adores me and I genuinely believe that he’d do anything for me, as he’s made me his number one priority above everything else in his life. But he is so needy and gets jealous over the slightest thing.

Last night we went out with my friend and her partner for a meal. We’d all had a few drinks and were joking around and having banter. The subject somehow turned to body hair and my friend was pointing out that her partner has lots of chest hair and that he shaves it. I said that there’s no need to shave his chest, and added that I like a man with chest hair. My bf gave me the daggers and it caused a huge argument when we got back to my place. He was accusing me of fancying my friends partner which is not the case at all. My bf has chest hair so I didn't see what the issue was.

Other examples include him getting jealous of me speaking to other men at work, and him asking whether they’re hitting on me.

He came to my house the other day and there was a bowl with 2 forks on the coffee table and he was questioning why there was 2. I said you think I’ve had someone here don’t you? He completely denied it but I just knew.

I have a demanding job and a young child. He says he feels like a weekend boyfriend but I can’t do anything about that.

Its such a shame cos he can be so lovely and supportive. I just feel like his behaviour is too needy.

Any advice?

Excellent post from @ThanksAntsThants

Her mentioning the fog put me in mind of this website - OP I suspect you will find the Toolbox section immensely informative & helpful.

Have a browse around the site - outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro
There are also archives & a forum for support.

Just get away. It's already toxic and it will get worse I promise you

Bloody hell, OP, you've got a rapist on your hands. In what way does that make him 'lovely'?

Jesus OP he ‘picked’ you because he saw you as vulnerable and easy to control as simple as that

surely with your last update, having seen that written down you can’t truly think he is a ‘lovely’ guy!

It will NEVER get better. He will NOT change no matter how many promises he makes to you. These kind of men have deep issues that they won’t overcome.

think of yourself, and if you can’t then think of your poor child, growing up thinking this is the way to have a relationship.

I hope you find your self esteem and confidence and end this.

There has obviously been something stopping you from letting him move in-you know he is problematic.
Wait until you get the locks changed then dump him. I would also log out of and change passwords on all devices including your dc’s and look for AirTags in your car/bag etc as well. He sounds like just the type to keep tabs.

Just a word of warning with regards to telling people. Yes, you should do so so that you can get support but be prepared for some to minimise what has happened. Those who have not experienced an abusive relationship may find it hard to understand how a man (or woman) could behave this way and treat you so badly.

This happened to me a few times when I confided in friends and family. They just couldn't comprehend the behaviour so assumed that I was exaggerating. It meant that I delayed ending the relationship by many years because the first friend I confided in minimised and said he couldn't possibly behave that way. I deeply regret this (not leaving) as it caused more damage for me but more importantly, my children.

@ThanksAntsThants your post sums up exactly how I’m feeling. I feel like it’s not real and I must be in denial as to how bad it’s been because I’m a day-to-day basis he treats me so well, and it’s hard to believe a pp saying that he’s never loved me because I genuinely believe that he does. Am I so deluded that I’ve been falling for lies all this time? We’ve had some great times and I’m struggling to believe that all of that wasn’t real. He feels professionally and physically inferior to me because I have a decent career and I get make attention. I’ve always tried to reason with how he must feel because I’d feel like shit if I didn’t feel good enough for him too.

I think the thing you need to consider is how would your feelings of insecurity manifest? Would you behave to him the way he behaves towards you, and if not, why not?

I'm sorry but if he feels inferior because you are doing well professionally, then that's his problem - not yours. Someone who cares about you wouldn't make you feel bad about that, or blame you if men give you attention or talk to you.
It doesn't mean you are looking for that attention, or trying to make him feel bad, talking to other men is not a crime and doesn't make you untrustworthy.

He is putting this guilt on you to keep you down, because of his insecurity. But it's not your job to fix him, you can't reason him out of it, and he seems unwilling to want to fix it himself, rather he just blames you.

Being insecure is not a terrible thing - but using that insecurity to put others down, or drag them under is not what a good partner does.

This is rape! Why are you still with this man??? You need to believe in yourself that you're worth so much more. You are. You're worth a million of him and his mental abuse has made you doubt yourself and believe his shit. Get rid now x

Anyone who needs to accuse you of seeking male attention and being jealous all the time is no good. Yes I’m sure it’s just his insecurity but who cares? You’re not there to fix him.

However he ended up going for anal rather than (consensual) ordinary sex and then he went back to bed. I was left so confused and I still am to this day. I brought it up with him a few days ago and he said that he was confused because we’d done stuff like that before.

Hi @sarahlouis sorry I'm just catching up with the thread. Don't be confused- this is rape.

Just because you've done something sometimes doesn't mean someone can do it to you whenever they want without your consent.

The jabbing a finger in your bum nonconsensually is not ok either and of course it hurts- he must know it hurts too.

This stuff is maybe partly about him thinking he has ownership of you and your body.

It sounds like he treated you badly from the start.

I won't join the chorus of you must leave him @sarahlouis but I'd ask you please to think long and hard about a few things.

1. He was with another woman when he met you, he's not insecure, he's a cheat, he thinks because he behaves like that so will you. All the causing arguments and insisting on picking you up aren't nice, it's to stop you behaving the way he would.I would bet money his ex threw him out.
2. He knows you were abused before so presumes he can get away with it too. Sexual assault is never something you should just let pass just because he can be nice when he wants to be.
3. You have a home and a good income, if he moved in how long would it be before he "lost" his job and you found yourself supporting him?
4. Is this a man you want to be your DC's role model, do you want her to grow up and pick a man like him? Please know that you're worth so much more than him, in years to come you'll end up wishing you'd got rid of him instead of wasting your life

OP the more you post, the worse he is. Please choose you and ditch him.

Read your posts again. If this was someone else posting, what would you be saying?