BF is insecure and needy - can it work?

[sarahlouis]

He adores me and I genuinely believe that he’d do anything for me, as he’s made me his number one priority above everything else in his life. But he is so needy and gets jealous over the slightest thing.

Last night we went out with my friend and her partner for a meal. We’d all had a few drinks and were joking around and having banter. The subject somehow turned to body hair and my friend was pointing out that her partner has lots of chest hair and that he shaves it. I said that there’s no need to shave his chest, and added that I like a man with chest hair. My bf gave me the daggers and it caused a huge argument when we got back to my place. He was accusing me of fancying my friends partner which is not the case at all. My bf has chest hair so I didn't see what the issue was.

Other examples include him getting jealous of me speaking to other men at work, and him asking whether they’re hitting on me.

He came to my house the other day and there was a bowl with 2 forks on the coffee table and he was questioning why there was 2. I said you think I’ve had someone here don’t you? He completely denied it but I just knew.

I have a demanding job and a young child. He says he feels like a weekend boyfriend but I can’t do anything about that.

Its such a shame cos he can be so lovely and supportive. I just feel like his behaviour is too needy.

Any advice?

Eurgh no. No insecure, needy, demanding, accusatory man would get their foot in my door. It all points to control and possession and who wants that?

This relationship has already tipped over from 'needy' into controlling.

You'd be wise to end it before you get in any deeper, it won't end well.

I find the questioning the two forks on the coffee table creepy and chilling tbh…if my DH did this I’d feel deeply uncomfortable

Run a mile and whatever you do, DO NOT let him move in with you

If you stay with him then you are showing your DC that it is acceptable to treat people this way or for others to treat them that way. If it wouldn't be okay for your DC then it isn't okay for you.

This is often how serious abuse happens.

I only read the first paragraaph before wanting to say throw him back op.

He doesn’t adore you, he’s a controlling bellend and this is only the beginning.

Ted Bundy was nice some of the time. Aim higher.

Needy & insecure is a misnomer.
It's a way of excusing poor behaviour as if the perpetrator just can't help himself.

A more accurate term would be possessive & controlling.

Controlling men never get to a point where they work on themselves & their "neediness". That would involve work, & change, & - horrors! - an admission that they are in the wrong.
Instead, they work on their partner to make her feel like his "insecurity" is her fault. That it's her responsibility to adapt her everyday behaviour to accommodate his need to control her.

Soon, the woman is adapting what she wears, how she speaks, who she talks to & where she goes. She becomes desensitised to the amount of explaining, justifying, & self-defensive arguing she needs to perform constantly about her own ordinary actions. She might start texting pic evidence that she's at her woman friend's house & not out on the town. She starts to dread staying out too late, because he'll kick off & interrogate her. She ends up avoiding time out with friends because it's too exhausting to fend off his constant cross-examination about it.

He'll tell her that her friends are slags, or said something nasty behind her back that he happened to be privy to - he's only telling you for your own good - he told you your friends are rotten. Or he'll manufacture a disagreement with her friends, making it so awkward to be around him that they start to pull back.

Bingo! he now has her isolated & under his constant control.
Dump this loser OP. All these Angry & Controlling Men hide their true natures at first, & "I'm insecure, so you have to twist yourself into a pretzel to appease me" is such a standard part of The Script that it's easy to predict what's coming next.

Buy yourself this book. It should be on the curriculum for all young women, frankly.
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

This is a fantastic reply. Please heed this advice op!

Massive red flag.

His behaviour is annoying and immature which is already bad enough but it could also be the precursor to controlling and abusive behaviour.

I would run...

Dump him, he's exhiting signs of being controlling. It won't get better. There's a lot of information out there about this type of behaviour, please read it.

No no no no no! Run away. He's got a serious problem. Until he realises it and works to fix it, it will not get better. It may well get worse.

Relationships are not meant to be this much hard work.

Yes. I would be lying if I didnt say I think similar 😅

Flags as big as football pitches are waving RED

Needy and jealous turns into controlling and abusive. You've had some good advice, which you seem to be taking on board. Good luck op.

Thank goodness you don't rely on him for the roof over your head or anything. You're right to protect your child from this performance. It would be modelling all the wrong things and potentially very damaging.

I had a relationship that turned into 26 years of this crap. I ended up with little female friends and zero social life due to the accusations that would follow any trip out even to work.

As others have said get out now!

@WhatIsThisPlease what made you finally end it? Did it get worse?

He’s tried convincing me that he’s going to work on himself and that he can change. I’ve naively believed it but only this weekend, he was asking whether I enjoy male attention at work. All because I said I enjoy having a laugh with work colleagues and yes some of them happen to be male.

@sarahlouis

I think every argument we had over the last 18 months chipped away at the foundations until there was nothing left.

It sounds crazy but we had the loveliest holiday in July - although we almost split up before that. Then we nearly split up a few months ago but life got in the way. The final straw was when he refused to wish my DD good luck for her first day at a new school or ask how she'd got on (year 12 so quite a big deal as she didn't know anyone). She hated it and I was devastated. But he's never there for me when I'm upset about the DC. He's jealous of the love I have for them. He told me she was weak and a drama queen and that she needed to grow up and a whole load of other stuff. And that was it. I told him to leave.

There's a whole back story but honestly, what you said about your BF doing anything for you is how my ex was. He put me on a pedestal and did everything for me. He drove me everywhere and it was nice. But then I realised it was a control thing. And I started to rely on him and started believing I couldn't do stuff for myself. In short, it was an unhealthy, toxic relationship and I finally woke up and saw it.

I really hope you find the courage to break free 💐

This is a massive red flag. You need to end it before it gets any worse.

If it's like this already it will only get worse.

He's a controlling and manipulative saddo.

The doing stuff for you is to try and make you feel like he's indespensible or you owe him leeway in his behaviour.

Also if he ever offers to 'give you a lift home' after a night out with your friends, this'll be so he can limit what you do or know where you are etc.

Another thing they'll often do is give you a phone- this is often to track you or in some other way make you do what they want (I had one for whom, as far as I know, it was 'just' so he could get me to send him pics, as before then I didn't have a phone with a camera.)

I just thought I'd mention those couple of things but what he's doing is clear enough.

He always offers to pick me up on the rare occasion I go out. It’s my work’s Christmas party soon and when I told him, the first thing he said was that he’d pick me up. I used to think it was nice of him to offer but now I see it differently.