BF is insecure and needy - can it work?

[sarahlouis]

He adores me and I genuinely believe that he’d do anything for me, as he’s made me his number one priority above everything else in his life. But he is so needy and gets jealous over the slightest thing.

Last night we went out with my friend and her partner for a meal. We’d all had a few drinks and were joking around and having banter. The subject somehow turned to body hair and my friend was pointing out that her partner has lots of chest hair and that he shaves it. I said that there’s no need to shave his chest, and added that I like a man with chest hair. My bf gave me the daggers and it caused a huge argument when we got back to my place. He was accusing me of fancying my friends partner which is not the case at all. My bf has chest hair so I didn't see what the issue was.

Other examples include him getting jealous of me speaking to other men at work, and him asking whether they’re hitting on me.

He came to my house the other day and there was a bowl with 2 forks on the coffee table and he was questioning why there was 2. I said you think I’ve had someone here don’t you? He completely denied it but I just knew.

I have a demanding job and a young child. He says he feels like a weekend boyfriend but I can’t do anything about that.

Its such a shame cos he can be so lovely and supportive. I just feel like his behaviour is too needy.

Any advice?

My head is such a mess. Reading all of these responses, I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. What if it isn’t as bad as I’m thinking it is and what if he does truly adore me and we could be happy together? I’m scared of throwing that away. I know people will be thinking that I’m a mug but it’s really difficult.

When things are good, they’re so good. But when it’s like this, it’s absolutely awful.

This is a text book description of an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships are not a roller-coaster ride like this.

Nobody should stay in a relationship where there are times when it's absolutely awful, those times will just get more frequent and you will be walking on eggshells trying not to set him off (if you aren't already)

If you "could be happy together" then ask yourself why aren't you now? The roller-coaster highs really aren't worth the awful times, they will always stop you being happy. There isn't any magic fix you can do to stop him controlling you like this.

What if it isn’t as bad as I’m thinking it is and what if he does truly adore me and we could be happy together?

What does it matter how much he adores you?
Has his adoration ever stopped him from being possessive & controlling?

Short of giving him a personality transplant, how are you ever going to be happy?
He is needy, unpleasant, & makes your head such a mess that you don't know what's what.

Come on OP. Listen to what people are saying. This man will make your life a misery.

But you wouldn't ge throwing 'that' away. You'd be throwing away what it IS. And right now it IS a horrible toxic mess. So what if its nice sometimes? The weather is nice sometimes. But when it starts pissing down, I go back inside. I don't stand out in it and go 'oh well it might be nice again tomorrow so I'll just wait it out'. Fuck that.

If a relationship makes you feel like you're going crazy then there is no reason to stay in it. SELF love, respect and your sanity are the most important things op. Always put them first. Not the 'what ifs' with some guy. Choose you.

Gently get rid of him. He sounds potentially dangerous and obsessive.

He says that he’s protective because I’ve had a difficult past when it comes to abusive men, so he’s extra cautious when it comes to people taking advantage of me. We met when he was still with his ex and both her and I didn’t know that he was having his cake and eating it. Ultimately he “chose” me, after going back to her, and because my self esteem was so low I accepted it. In the beginning he displayed some really worrying, unstable behaviours but I haven’t seen that side of him since. Just the insecurity and jealousy.

He can call his behaviour 'protective' all he likes but it is abusive. Plain and simple.

He will never change. You would always be walking on eggshells, agonising and tying yourself in knots over everything you say or do to try to get it right but you never will in his eyes.

Do you really want to live this way?

He is an abusive man. He “chose” you precisely because of your history. You are a vulnerable woman who is an easy target for him to control and abuse.

See @Pinkbonbon's post at 00:16.
Please think long & hard on her rain analogy.

The man who displayed worrying, unstable behaviours?
That's still who he is.

The man who now "just" !!!! controls you with insecurity & jealousy?
That's still who he is.

Why are you hanging round for the moments when he chooses not to display all these rank behaviours? Do you think you can change him? (SPOILER - you can't.) It is your job to be a rehab centre for dysfunctional men? An emotional punchbag for his neediness?

You do not want your child to grow up thinking this is what a normal relationship is like. Get out now.

He says that he’s protective because I’ve had a difficult past when it comes to abusive men, so he’s extra cautious when it comes to people taking advantage of me

Anybody with a history of abuse needs to learn how to be strong independently, rather than to rely on others. You don't need protecting, you're an adult. If he's trying to do the right thing, even in his book, he's doing it wrong.

For the love of god leave this man.

Controlling men never get to a point where they work on themselves & their "neediness". That would involve work, & change, & - horrors! - an admission that they are in the wrong.
Instead, they work on their partner to make her feel like his "insecurity" is her fault. That it's her responsibility to adapt her everyday behaviour to accommodate his need to control her.

This poster, always insightful and sensible, had nailed it.

I tried to have a relationship with a man like this, he never stopped and he never changed.

It is a values issue. They genuinely believe they have the right to control women.
They want control and that surmounts every other consideration including her human rights (as such).
Her role as his partner, and the control he wants over her as his partner, trumps any rights she might have as a person. An autonomous person. They're irrelevant to him.

He either doesn't believe she should have them, or doesn't care if he deprives her of them. He thinks he has that right. The ultimate in selfishness.

To me, you see their view & approach played out on a mass scale in, for example fundamental islamic societies. Women are subjects of men, possessions even. These type of men want a relationship like that. We had a version (not so extreme) of that here in the past. They cannot function in societies where women have equal freedom and human rights.

He says that he’s protective because I’ve had a difficult past when it comes to abusive men, so he’s extra cautious when it comes to people taking advantage of me

Ick. White Knight syndrome.
AKA NiceGuyTM - manipulative, & self-serving under a veneer of do-goodery or worse - "I'm only doing ABC because you XYZ" ... ie "if you would only do as I tell you, I wouldn't 'have' to control you" ...

White Knights tend to get formed by -

• Having lost a parent / caregiver in childhood.
• Suffering from low self-esteem and trying to make up for it by saving someone else.
• Lacking direction or goals in life and focusing on others to detract from that.
• Having felt abandoned after break ups
• Being narcissistic in nature.

Your b/f certainly sounds like that last one - needy, possessive, unreasonable, controlling ...

Why would you want to date a narc?
Do yourself a huge favour OP & buy this book -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

This may be TMI but when we’re joking around and I for example tickle him under his arm etc, he goes to stick his finger in a certain place (not the vagina). He’s done this several times and I really don’t like it. He did it recently and it actually hurt, but I don’t think he intends to hurt me.

We were also on holiday once and I slept on the sofa as the bed was making my neck so sore, I could barely turn my head which ruined the rest of the holiday for me. He came into the living room area and he started trying it on. However he ended up going for anal rather than (consensual) ordinary sex and then he went back to bed. I was left so confused and I still am to this day. I brought it up with him a few days ago and he said that he was confused because we’d done stuff like that before.

Please, you cannot live the rest of your life like this, constantly having to justify everything you say and do, second guessing everything. It’s exhausting.

And you can never win, he’ll always find something else to pick at, it’s designed to put on the back foot and doubt yourself so that you stop going out/talking to men and start doing everything to appease him.

He’s pushing your boundaries, seeing what you’ll accept. It’s assault.

He did it recently and it actually hurt, but I don’t think he intends to hurt me.
Oh OP. Think again. Please.

However he ended up going for anal rather than (consensual) ordinary sex and then he went back to bed. I was left so confused and I still am to this day.
I'm not surprised - so am I.
Are you saying he committed a non-consensual penetrative sex act on you?
Then just left you there while he went to bed for some refreshing sleep?

I brought it up with him a few days ago and he said that he was confused because we’d done stuff like that before.
NEWSFLASH.
That's not 'confusion'. No sane adult misunderstands consent.
Consent is required every time. It simply doesn't work like - "but we did this last Tuesday, so obviously I have carte blanche to do it whenever I want ..."
He raped you - then pleaded his bullshit "confusion".

Sorry to be so very blunt OP.
But this man is such terrible bad news.

It seems you have just moved from one abusive relationship to another. Just because he seemed different at first, he may have been a breath of fresh air. But he isn't. He's an arsehole who doesn't care about you.

You never answered the previous poster's question about how he 'adores' you - is this something he says to you, or is this how you genuinely feel because of how he treats you?
Because from the sound of it he doesn't adore you at all, he's showing utter contempt for you, all while probably saying the 'right' things.

The only way to change this is to get you and your child away from him. He isn't going to change - why would he, he has exactly what he wants. He doesn't love you, even if he or you might think he does. This isn't love.

Look up the Freedom Project online, and realise that you need to be alone for a while.

He's pushing your boundaries. He's not a good person. I know it's easier said than done. But think about how he makes you feel at your worst. Would you think that's good enough for your friend/mother/daughter etc? If not, it's not good enough for you, either.

Op please don't spend anymore time or energy on this relationship. It's abusive. Just because he's not hitting you it's still abuse. Ditch him now before he becomes too possessive and thinks he owns you. You'll never be rid of him once that happens.

OP, this is worse and worse the more you post. Let's just recap shall we:

1. he is irrationally jealous - melting down if you so much as talk to another man and expecting you to constantly justify behaviours and actions.
2. To "protect" you, he insists on driving you places, reducing your independent and ensuring that you are tied into whatever it is that he has decided is okay.
3. He has physically hurt you and sexually assaulted you, on more than one occasion. NO ONE, not a single non-abusive person, would "tickle" someone there at the best of times and certainly not after they've been told it is not appreciated. Similarly, going for anal without specific consent is 100% not okay and I'm afraid is assault or even rape.
4. You were the other woman. So we already know he's not great. He also "chose" you. Mmmm, I doubt it. I bet his ex kicked him out. he would have preferred to have both of you.

You have clearly got a tendency to go for abusive men. This isn't your fault but it is something YOU need to deal with. Get rid of this one ASAP and please see if you can access any support to explore your own issues and lack of boundaries.

Wow, this thread just gets worse and worse OP.

look, there’s no point anybody telling you what to do, or getting impatient with you because you haven’t immediately finished with him, because that’s just not how these things work. You’ve probably gone from thinking something doesn’t feel quite right here, to, oh my fucking God what the hell is happening? How have I got into this situation? This is way worse than I thought, and all in the space of a few days. The disclosures you’ve made on this last page alone demonstrate that.

You’re in the process of having the slow motion shock of your life, and with it will come fear, guilt, anger, grief, disbelief, all sorts of confusing emotions, all piling in on you at once, and each horrible realization will lead to another, and this will probably go on for a while. It’s not like you can even reflect on something that’s already happened and start getting over it, because it’s still happening, you haven’t fought your way through the fog of it fully dawning yet, let alone even started to decide what you can or even want to do.

please confide in trusted friends and family if you have them. Please don’t be scared to tell them what’s happening, people who love you will want to support and help you. You haven’t yet come to terms with what’s happening to you, and it’ll take a long time before you do, and you haven’t yet decided what it is you should do, and that is alright, it’s perfectly understandable. You’ve set on a path now, because you can’t unrealize everything you’ve realized, so please be kind to yourself while you find your way and walk that path, and allow those who would be kind to you to help you.