BF is insecure and needy - can it work?

[sarahlouis]

He adores me and I genuinely believe that he’d do anything for me, as he’s made me his number one priority above everything else in his life. But he is so needy and gets jealous over the slightest thing.

Last night we went out with my friend and her partner for a meal. We’d all had a few drinks and were joking around and having banter. The subject somehow turned to body hair and my friend was pointing out that her partner has lots of chest hair and that he shaves it. I said that there’s no need to shave his chest, and added that I like a man with chest hair. My bf gave me the daggers and it caused a huge argument when we got back to my place. He was accusing me of fancying my friends partner which is not the case at all. My bf has chest hair so I didn't see what the issue was.

Other examples include him getting jealous of me speaking to other men at work, and him asking whether they’re hitting on me.

He came to my house the other day and there was a bowl with 2 forks on the coffee table and he was questioning why there was 2. I said you think I’ve had someone here don’t you? He completely denied it but I just knew.

I have a demanding job and a young child. He says he feels like a weekend boyfriend but I can’t do anything about that.

Its such a shame cos he can be so lovely and supportive. I just feel like his behaviour is too needy.

Any advice?

Run.for.the.hills!!!! This is coercive behaviour and completely unacceptable.

Better get a game plan set for giving him the heave ho as I don't think he'll make it easy for you.

I'd change the locks first incase there's any chance he has keys to your home. Then I'd dump him by phone. And don't be persuaded that you 'owe' him a chat in person. You don't. You don't owe someone who displays coercive and controlling behaviours anything because your safety is more important (And he'd only use it to headfuck you).

Good luck!

This is worth reading again OP.

See this also - & guard yourself - lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

He’s now asking if anyone’s bullying me at work. Wtf?

Why on earth are you prepared to tolerate being in a relationship with someone who does not trust you?

@barskits he says he does trust me but knows that I can do better so it worries him

It an be hard to read responses like this because they seem to negate the reality that you believe he does love you etc. And actually, I believe that these men often do. However, for whatever reason, they are damaged in some way. Which is not a problem in itself. The problem is that they are uninterested in fixing it.

If he ry wanted to change and be less insecure, he would have worked on himself. Got therapy. Made conscious decisions to change his behaviour.

Instead, he is making ridiculous accusations, ensuring your interactions with friends is awkward and generally behaving like a prat.

Does he have keys to your home op?

I would echo what a pp suggested and change your locks.

Do not underestimate how far he would go to try to stop you ending your relationship. I don't see him accepting what you say and going easily! Make sure that you tell your friends/neighbour/colleagues/child's school what is going on.

Yes he does have keys. Money is really tight at the moment so I don’t know how I would afford to change locks

In other words he thinks you will dump him for another man at the drop of a hat. He has a very low opinion of your morals, doesn't he?

He may be insecure, but he is also jealous and controlling. You know he is, because he is insisting on collecting you from your work Christmas do. Not because he's kindly offered to give you a lift home to save you the cost of a taxi, but because he is determined to make absolutely sure that you can't go off with someone else. He assumes that's what you will do unless he is there to prevent it.

Why are you ignoring everyone’s advice?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy how am I ignoring everyone’s advice?

Borrow money or put it on a credit card but get those locks changed immediately and end this abusive relationship by phone .
Do not engage in a conversation beyond saying that it’s over and you want no further contact .
Then take care to keep yourself safe.

Absolutely this....Damn right you can do better...his behaviour will be ruin of you! For your own sake take note and action on what everyone's said to you...they know!

Maybe have a look on YouTube for how to fit door locks? Dunno what it's called but the lock that usually clips on about 3/4 of the way up the door (head heightish) If you already have one then it's straight forwards enough to change it yourself. Just get a new one at the hardware store and follow an online how-to guide.

Otherwise, you could sell something you don't use anymore on eBay maybe? And use check a trade to get a good deal on a local locksmith.

Alternatively, you could keep the keys in your locks whenever you are home so that he cannot use his. And maybe warn your neighbours that you've split with him due to controling behaviour and ask them to keep an eye out for him showing up just incase. Give them your number.

You should definitely find the money to change the locks OP. It's a priority.

Please do end the relationship with this man this is only going get worse. I think these things can happen gradually what may seem like caring and concerned behaviour escalates into controlling and coercive….

OP, the fact that he doesn't live with you I think gives you a lot more flexibility than in situations with men like this where they're in your home. I suspect that if you break up with him, he will play the victim card, make lots of promises, cry about how he's such a terrible person etc etc etc, but actually, I think you can probably largely ignore that.

The keys are a slight issue but I'd be inclined to insist he give you the keys at the point at which you end it.

I married someone like this. I ignored the questioning and thought he cared. Fine line tbh. I like you would be questioned about male colleagues, nights out, spare key in my car - my parents etc etc, conversation was questioning. Trying to stop me doing things until I had enough. Found out he had been checking my phone forever. Got to the point where I couldn’t breathe.

Do you know someone who could change the barrel of your locks for you? Buying a new barrel wouldn't cost much. I would also put a chain on the door if you don't have one. A handy man may be cheaper if it isn't an expensive lock to replace.

When my H left, initially I had to do what a pp suggested and use a side door to come and go and keep a key in the front and back doors to stop him getting in.

Problem with asking for the key back is you never know if he made coppies. Plus it would mean meeting him in person.

I mean you could pretend to have locked yourself out and ask him to give you his spare and them dump him by phone later on...
but he still could have coppies.

A new barrel for the lock is about £7.

I read about this kind of behaviour so frequently on here, it’s horrifying what these men do. Controlling, abusive, then doing things for your ‘own good’, like picking you up, asking about other men, wanting you to only see him and not friends, not wanting you to go out and making it awkward by sulking etc.

Please get the lock changed and start to distance yourself from him op.

I wish that when someone says 'money is really tight', people would understand that just 'finding' a few quid isn't really a thing. If you can 'find a few quid', money wouldn't be tight. It's all over the news that many people are struggling to buy essentials and pay for their heating.

OP, keep the keys in the locks for now. I'm sure you get it that it would be best to change the locks, and that you will when you can.