Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

This!

It will be really hard for you to stay silent with him because of how long you've been together but it's the best thing. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking he's getting to you with his crappy behaviour.
Just talk about your son and quietly start your divorce proceedings/speak to a lawyer. When you're ready hit him with it all!

Do it all on your terms so he knows he's not in control.

I'm so sorry you are going through this

What a cunt
yeah , if
someone can behave this cruelly they deserve only cruel behaviour back

I’m so sorry 😞

This with bells on, OP!
💐💐💐

Put a lock on your bedroom door

Oh god I'm so angry for you. Don't give him the joy of a reaction. Instead, cold detachment for today - don't ask questions, only make statements and only if necessary. Please don't do anything for him around the home.

Later down the line you can make sure he has a text message saying "we didn't ever agree to a break. Whatever you did, you did as a married man". But that's definitely not today. He wants a fight today, might even pick one to double down on his "unhappy home life". If he does you repeat that statement and don't get drawn in.

Get yourself speaking to a solicitor, speak to work and speak to family and his mum if they could cover nights in the event he won't.

Remember this man is no longer your friend, friends wouldn’t treat you like this. He is way ahead of the game at the moment and you need to catch up. Remember grey rock, cards close to your chest and ducks in a row. He’ll be behaving as if he is a man with two cocks at the moment - remember he is no prize to be won. You are either in a marriage or out of it, there is no half way house. He needs to move out - you need a break from him! Lean on your friends and family and get some therapy (the police may be able to help here).

You’re are probably in shock at the moment, be kind to yourself and please tell someone what you are going through (not his family).

Ok so you’re in the house together and I think you have to face the fact it’s over. But you do need to communicate. I would walk into the kitchen and say “we need to discuss what we’re going to do. I would like a divorce and I don’t think it’s healthy to carry on like this for the foreseeable future. So we need to put the house on the market so we can both move on (unless you can afford to buy him out of him you in which case suggest that). We also need to sort out childcare. Ive got work today so today is your responsibility. Have a think about it and let me know what you think we should do”. Please please don’t get nasty. You need to sort it. Arguing is pointless. You just need to get it done now

What a twat!
I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. Does he not realise that marriage is a commitment, and taking a break is not only disrespectful, hurtful but down right selfish. So he gets to decide? It doesnt seem as if this so called break was even discussed with you.#
When the time is right - leave him. Get all your ducks in a row and leave him x

I think Id be tempted to be cold and practical.

As others have said, if you are seperated but in same house, you may be entitled to some benefits now, even if you are working/studying.

Sit down with him and say that you need to sort out parenting jobs - so ensure he cant swan off on nights that you are working, leaving you in the shit, and perhaps some 'free time' for you to be out 'enjoying yourself' (you dont need to be doing it, but it needs to be factored in)

explain that from now on, as you are no longer his wife, that you will be considering him as a flatmate, so he is responsible for his own cooking/laundry/shopping, plus 50% of all housework - perhaps he might like to divvy the jobs up now?

equally he needs to ensure that school uniforms / homework etc is his responsibility for days/ nights that he is looking after DS, because going forward thats going to kick in once you are living in seperate places, so he needs to get on board all the mental load regarding school/appointments/parents evenings/parties etc, as you wont be providing that information any more. He also needs to have a think about how its going to work going forwards - is he looking at 50-50 child custody - can he do that practically - or is he expecting you to do the majority, in which case he is going to need to consider maintanance. It also allows you time to plan how to cover your nights - do you have family near? will you need to look for a different job / change work patterns. Speak to your boss and see whats feasible.

Its not to 'punish' him, but to ensure a smooth transition for your child, and to enable you both to move forward to an amicable separation. Its kind of stuff they really would like you to have sorted out anyway before a divorce is granted.

It sounds like the relationship is over. It should be.
You need to get the divorce rolling. Living together, checking where he is and phoning his mother to complain will only drag you down.

You can't begin to move on with your life until you accept that the marriage is over.

So sorry, this is really hard for you. But this is only going to go one way. Be strong, be proud and take the upper hand before he does. You're worth so much more than this. Remove him from your home and remove him from your life.

Hunker down, spoil yourself, surround yourself with the people and the things you love. It will be a very painful thing to do but it will be no less painful if he walks out, as surely he will. By taking control of the situation you will come out of it stronger, with dignity and your head held high.

Horrible man. Ask him to leave for the duration of "the break" since it's actually cheating.

Thank you all so much.

My Dad died in May he was everything to me I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to him

Bit of a drip feed, no?

Him telling you previously that he wants to separate is a bit different to him randomly moving into the spare room then telling you you're on a break out of the blue.

No need to be so rude

Ringfence your finances immediately, he shouldn’t have access. You know you can’t lock him out, he can legally break back in whenever. I would print off your shifts, you have the year usually in advance. Tell him he’s doing childcare when you’re at work. Would his mum do school runs/childcare?

I’d be looking at divorcing asap.

He doesn't have every right to be there. Many houses of separated/divorced couples who don't live together are jointly owned. You have a child so if (when) you split he will be the one required to move out. Speak to a solicitor.

Your husband is choosing to behave unreasonably. He can't choose the way you respond.

Get as much evidence as possible and as pp said just speak to him about child related things. Act like he isn't upsetting you, it will hurt but you will feel empowered soon. Get passports and ds documents and any money related documents he has so you can rinse the cunt when divorce proceedings are going ahead. He's doing you a favour by fucking off so you can get ducks in row and leave.

This relationship is over.

It doesn’t really matter if he was out with the OW or if he was out on his own/with mates.

Does he not work?
I’m wondering how you can rely on him whilst doing shifts if he works himself.

I would be making plans to separate and the first thing I would do is think about where you are going to live as the house will need to be sold - can you live with your mum and so she can help with childcare during the night?

He doesn’t have any financial paperwork I sort out all the bills, plus I have savings and he doesn’t.

He actually owes money on an overdraft and 2 credit cards

Well then he's lightened the load even more. Take ds, cancel the bills, take your savings and go live. He won't be such a catch with all that debt. More fool him.

He works yes, self employed.

My mums actually selling her house at the moment as is moving to my brothers 2 hours away :(
Unless I ask her to live with me I suppose?

Thank you, it’s not masses of debt.

He owes £200 on an overdraft

£500 on 1 credit card and £3,000 on the other

Maybe whoever he spent last night with can help him pay it off

Not your problem anymore. Discuss ds care for when you're at work. Ask your mum/friends for help with ds care whilst working. Talk to work say that you will need extra support from them and possible short notice on cancelling coming to work due to dh being a monumental wanker.
You are in a great position of power now, you get to call the shots.