Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

Do you think your mum would move in with you OP? Sounds like it could be a good solution. I’m sorry you are going through this

She possibly would but bloody hell living with my mum at 40 :(

All those saying change the locks. It's his home aswell. I'd be kicking the door in if I was him

Dignity, OP. You have to maintain your dignity.

No screaming, yelling, begging, tears. No text messages on any pretext.

Grey rock him. That means keep your communication completely neutral. Don't initiate conversations. If he asks a question, answer yes or no - don't throw the question back to him. If he starts chatting away, don't make eye contact, just say 'hmm' or 'really' in a flat tone. Make yourself really boring! Don't show hostility or annoyance. Just be completely neutral.

It will drive him insane because part of the thrill for him at the moment is how much he's hurting you. He will do stuff to get a reaction. He'll make stupid mistakes. Keep grey rocking him. It's the absolute best tactic to make him look and feel a fool.

I am so sorry for your situation, and the loss of your lovely Dad.
Realistically I think you know that this is the end of your marriage. You are not on a break, he is checking out, and even if you wanted to try it’s very unlikely that things could ever get back as they were before.

The sooner you physically separate the better, as this situation is causing you so much distress. He is now in a world of his own imagination, where he can enjoy his new life.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with my ex. We had a crippling mortgage due to a number of factors ( mostly him losing jobs) and were going under financially. When I caught him cheating he suggested that he stay in the marital home and pay me ‘rent’ - whilst I paid all the mortgage and bills that we had previously both used all of our income, and more, to pay. I declined and told him to get out. We were in negative equity so fortunately there was no need for him to remain to get any financial settlement.
I hope all turns out well in the end. You are stronger than you think, and will get through this.

I'm almost 37 and live with my parents with dh and ds. Better than living with a cheating shit. Besides when the truth comes out people won't care where you are. Yes I live with my mum...thanks to dh cheating and tearing our family apart for some pub wench.

This ^. You can't just suddenly break up when you're married with a kid. This is just cheating and gaslighting to make you feel bad

I've read your updates but not the full thread - sorry if I miss something.

I wouldn't be able to not say anything, I just wouldn't. I might not today but for me living in limbo would be awful. Living with your mum really wouldn't be awful and imo not an indication of any sort of failing. Sometimes it's the most practical solution.

It all sounds awful and I hope you can at least come to an agreement over what happens now so you can move on.

This is my worst nightmare op. I'm sorry you are going through this. What rotation are you on? My husband is 1.5 years into the PCDA and is at the end of his response rotation. He's about to start an 18 month rotation in either neighbourhoods or team. If they put him in team, he will try and transfer to neighbourhoods (better hours, no nights). Is this something you could do? Also you can take a break from the uni side of things so long as you complete within 7 years so I heard.

It's over because of dh behaviour

I’m just over thinking and massively jumping the gun but how would I ever meet someone new?

who would want to live with their mother in law haha

You can actually apply for flexi working due to your circumstances, which will absolve you of night duty. Butter up your sergeant. If this isn't possible, early nights is a thing, finishing at 3 instead of 7. All possibly during probation on PCDA

Be careful OP. You can't just kick him out as its joint owned. He can and probably will get the police round to force you to let him back in as my ex did.
Serve him with divorce papers ASAP and get the ball rolling.
See your mum as short term thi g on until you get sorted.
Speaking g as a former single mum you will have to get a 9 to 5 job. You won't be a le to sustain shifts long term.

Unless I ask her to live with me I suppose?

That would be ok if he was willing to let you live there without him or buy him out.

Chances are he’ll need it sold to get somewhere of his own.

If he does let you stay there then your mum doesn’t need to live with you FT, you could just ask if she’ll sleep over when you’re doing night shifts.

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m sorry you’re getting some poor advice, as you’ve rightly guessed you can’t kick him out if he jointly owns the house, nor can you instruct him to sleep on the sofa when he sleeps in the spare room.

clearly the marriage is over, so you now need to move to formal separation and what that looks like

Lots of women go on to new relationships after a divorce. A good decent person would understand why you live/d with your mum. And it's all ex dhs fault. I promise you will be coming out Rose's from this, not him.

My mum is selling her house though and has accepted an offer so shortly she won’t just be able to stay over and go home as she’ll have no home.

if she lives with me i would need to keep this house as I would need a 3 bedroom if my mum lived here

And that would make you liable for criminal damage and the police would take you away and put you in the cells for the night for a breach of the peace.

legally it is of course, correct that you should not change the locks, and you should not lock a person out.

Equally, you should not prevent access to children, but people do.

And until there is a court order in place possession is 9/10 of the law.

OP this sounds like death by 1000 cuts make the decision pull the plug and start moving on with your life and healing as fast as possible. Much easier said than done I do appreciate, but it sounds like you’ll have an enormous amount of support in your mother.

This is what I ended up doing. After kicking him out after I found a joint bank account he came back and we lived separately. He was a mess. It was unbearable. I put myself on the housing list and got a housing association property and left. I still live close and we have joint time with our youngest son who's now 15. I'm 3 years out. She was older. There's no rhyme or reason to this. It just seems overnight they turn into callous selfish wankers and are prepared to throw everything away. He still lives in the house we jointly own. I've no idea how to resolve it because he won't move and I have no money for a solicitor. I have had a solicitor write to him in the past but he just ignored it. But we lived together for 25 years and weren't married. I couldn't kick him out. I had no right to. Like he said it's his house. I feel for you in every way but getting what's rightful and what is practical to do are not necessarily one and the same. I got a right kicking on here when I posted about this before and it was upsetting. This was because even though I work full time I get universal credit and one poster didn't like it. This is the reality of being on your own. I hope I haven't derailed your thread but I just wanted to say I didn't find any easy way out of this. No one wins here. Wishing you all the best OP. I felt utterly blindsided.

What are you on about?

Sending much love & prayers to you OP through this tough time xx

Keep going OP. You will be rid of this loser soon. Eye on the prize.