Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

Entirely possible! I was seeing a guy last year for most of the year who I deeply fell for, he turned out to have multiple socials, had blocked my account on hers and had never shown signs of having a fiancé, but had declared his child. He didn't seem like a liar and had nothing odd going on, I met him in a separate space and met his child. It turned out the space was rented by him to meet me there and he told his ex-partner he was taking the daughter to his family in the other county once in contact with the fiancé/ex-partner. Totally led up the garden path which was horrendous as I am autistic and had just gone through a separation after 5 years.

He sounds like a wanker. Stop considering him. Who gives a shit if he went out without keys? That is not your problem.

Speak to a lawyer as soon as is humanly possible. Make that your number one priority.

I would also speak to your boss and explain what has happened. Let them know that you've been left in the lurch with childcare. You'd be surprised at how flexible people will be if you are honest with them.

@southeastlady even though your only a year in I would speak to your sgt and inspector about the situation. Get ahold of welfare/OCC health /federation for advice re benefits, legal services i.e for divorce.

You won't be the first and won't be the last and, trust me in the force, they will have heard and dealt with worse between relationships breaking down.

You can absolutely ask to either be temp shifted onto day shifts untill the situation settles down, or if you can do days and lates rather than just days. I don't think the degree states you have to be on nights.

At the very least make your supervision aware of the situation incase you need emergency time off or emergency shift change. There's also the welfare side they need to be aware to ensure they are keeping you safe , and at the other side the public safe.

Moving Into the spare room while you try to work things out is one thing but he’s shagging someone else so he’s not trying to work anything out. The chance that he has managed to find someone already via online dating or other means is very slim. It’s likely he’s been having an affair IMO.
This must be a really hard time for you but you need to find your anger and kick him out/move out. He’s not your flatmate.

i worked in duties for a while (shift planning and emergency cover). You will be able to have your shifts changed even if only temporarily, and no job is a reason to be someone door at, as that’s what he is doing. Maybe you can’t be made redundant but it’s not a guaranteed career for life (my work after was covert anti corruption so believe me, I know)!

You cant change the locks, but you could have just locked up like normal and gone to bed. I wouldn't have give a shit if he's got his key or not, you're not his mother. If he can't get it, that's his problem. Stop either babying him or finding excuses to speak to him. Tell him to find somewhere else to live and bugger off.

07:30am and I’ve just heard the front door go.

so tempted to ask him “so who you been shagging all night then?”

but I won’t

You’ve got some good advice on here about your job. Definitely speak with your sergeant and your tutors so they are aware. They will want to support you and be flexible. It’s amazing how flexible they can be when shit hits the fan.

In response to your question about what makes any new woman ‘better’, it is simply that she doesn’t know him! He can reinvent himself with her and be who he wants to be. He can’t do that with you because you know him well. She will find out soon enough.

If he’s a crap partner anyway then cut him loose. Keep your degree and your career though. They are precious.

If you can avoid asking him questions today then do so. Show no interest in where he was or what he was doing. His text was inflammatory. Don’t give him the pleasure of responding or showing you care. Put him on the back foot.

Don't forget to ensure that he looks after the DC today and that you get a break.

just woke up and it’s 3am and he’s not here

You have been separated for two and a half weeks now. it's none of your business where he is, what he's doing, or who he's doing it with.

During your separation he has been staying with family and friends, as well as in the spare room, so him not being in the house at 3 am tells you absolutely nothing at all.

You need to disconnect from this self-destructive spiral of drama now, OP. You have an 8 year old child to consider, and there are practical steps you must now take to secure your future and their future. Posters here have given you excellent advice:

Consult a lawyer, and initiate divorce proceedings.

Sort out all your paperwork and finances.

Use a benefits calculator to work out what you are entitled to, and if you will be able to stay in your home.

Tell your manager what is happening and find out if they can help with shift timings etc.

See the GP for a referral to counselling so you have some trustworthy support. Your boundaries and grasp on reality are way off kilter.

Stay away from friends and family who have encouraged you to stay in this relationship, they can't help you.

Stop interacting with your soon-to-be ex-husband, apart from childcare arrangements. Stop calling his mother.

Thank you. I think it’s someone he already knows.
I have hunch that it’s the barmaid at our local pub

when I’ve mentioned going up the pub with him in the past he was never keen

Ignore, grey rock him. No conversation except around arrangements for your son and finances. Do not cook, clean, do his laundry.

Don't play any part of the pick me dance.

Seek immediate legal advice. Get a copy of leave a cheater gain a life and read the stories on chump lady website. These idiots have a playbook, it's good to have a view into it!

What an absolute arse! You deserve better than this creep!

Was hoping he’d come in and go up to bed, must be tired after last nights antics

But No he’s downstairs. Wish he’d fuck off and live with his mummy, won’t be so ‘desirable’ then

Does he think he’s living in an episode of Friends? Sleeping in the spare room is not “on a break”. He’s a cheat. Divorce him.

All I keep hearing in my head is Ross’s voice saying “We were on a break!” Lol

He thinks he's a prize right now, he isn't, he's a disgusting cheating man child. He's thinking you'll come down and show him just how desirable he is by asking him where he was and questioning him. Don't rise to it. Staunchly ignore. Get on with your day. Take your son out. Grey rock all the way!

Thank you. Do I go down and say nothing to him? Or just morning? Show I’m not bothered?

Point this out to him OP, then ask for a divorce. Because a) you are worth so much more than this, b) it'll stop the terrible mental torture this situation is putting you through right now, and c) it will stop his cake eating hard and cold. He will have to face up to the reality of his actions and stop seeing you as the woman who will just hang around and always be there if he wants.

Theres a future out there for you OP that will be a damn sight happier for you. You H doesn't respect you and thats awful.

Btw there's nothing better about this woman who he's out with. He's just a sad twat.

Can you and you ds go and have a nice day out somewhere today?

You go down and say to him that as you are in the process of separating he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Get angry OP, don't let him treat you like this. He's either with you or he's not and as he's not then he doesn't get to live with you. And in the meantime stop doing anything for him. No cooking, no washing, nothing at all. At the moment he's getting the best of both worlds.

Could do, I’ll be leaving for work around 2

Probably not helpful but I would see him and say something like, oh I didn't think you were here...

Do not ask about his night, the messages, just don't soeak to him about anything but child related.

Can you go out for the day or are you working this evening?

I’m working 3pm until 11pm today

I'd absolutely ignore him. He knows you know, he knows what he was up to. There's nothing to be said. And I personally couldn't even stomach a 'morning'.

Get your son together and get out, get some space, spoil yourselves and then get to work.

Maybe just say as your getting your cup of tea “ remember I’ve on shift 3 -11. So dc is all yours. “ silence silence silence. Cup of tea. Back out i op f the room. Sorted. Then go about your day discussing nothing but the kids or where and when he wants to get separation under way.