Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

What an absolute wanker

It's just so random.... what on earth goes through these men's heads when they do stuff like this? Does he think he's caught you on a technicality? 🤔Maybe he thinks he's trapped you because of the housing / work / childcare situation so can just treat you however he wants? If the latter what a bastard twice over.

See a divorce lawyer, they will be able to advise better on your rights, to do with the house etc. If he does have a right to stay there (and doesn't have the decency to fuck off of his own accord), I'd make life absolutely UNBEARABLE for him until he moved out (maybe send your DS for a "holiday" with his grandparents whilst you're doing this). No way I'd co-habit or leave in the circumstances.

And if you are what I think you are -
You know you can't change the locks .

But you CAN seek legal advice . Get the ball rolling. And I know our job is stressful enough without this shit but if you go to your Sgt and inspector they can talk through some options with you - you aren't the first or last in the job to hit a snag early on . How much leave do you have ?

As a last resort - if your sickness record is good so far , get signed off for a little while while you sort some practicalities.

And speak to the fed if you're in it .

X

Why do people keep going on about the OP's job when she said she doesn't want to giveaway what it is???

curious to what she has that I don’t

The answer is "Ignorance as to what he is really like."

You've been with him for 10 years. It seems from previous posts alluding to other threads that some time ago you recognised that he's a pretty poor partner (and perhaps dad?). You've gotten past the 'rose-tinted glasses' phase where you only see all his best qualities and behaviour and believe in the big promises he makes. I'm guessing that over time you've learned that he isn't quite as fabulous as he first seemed. He lets you down regularly, behaves selfishly, doesn't pull his weight, moans about not getting enough sex even though you're rinsed from night shifts and being the main parent (I'm making guesses here). You've become fed up with him, disillusioned and don't have the stars in your eyes for him that you had 10 years ago.

What appeals about this new woman is that she is a blank slate, ready to believe in the shiniest possible version of him. He's no doubt spinning her a sob story about how awful you are and how hard he's tried. She sees him as a wonderful man who is deeply unappreciated and because she's only hearing one side of the story, she thinks your lack of appreciation for him can't be a valid reflection of his worth as a partner, and it must be because you're an unappreciative bitch.

Meanwhile, he's also acting like she's the greatest thing in the world, saying and doing all the things he did for you at the start of your relationship with him and making her feel like the One Special Woman who can save him from his loveless marriage. It probably hasn't occurred to her yet that anyone halfway decent who had just grown apart from their spouse would have ended it sadly before embarking on some new romance.

If she sticks with him, she'll be in the same place as you one day.

How do you know there's nothing better about her? I get you're probably trying to help her but you know nothing about the op, her partner or the imagined ow, while you mean well you are just making stuff up. Just stop it, it's not good being a liar and fantasist even if you have good intentions.

She said it was obvious and to me it is. I do t think she's trying to hide it ?
I'm giving advice because it's not a normal job and she will need support.

@CheekyHobson "The answer is "Ignorance as to what he is really like."

Yes, exactly this!

More fool her. She must be exceedingly naive or desperate to not have alarm bells going off, whoever she is, unless he hasn't mentioned the fact he has a wife and child that he lives with at all🙄

I'd weigh up the pension too - I joined at 37 .

Need to work till 60 and my pension calculator says I'm not gonna be quids In because I will never get the full 30 years in .

There are many transferable skills . You might be better off financially getting a day job in something like compels lives at council and getting universal credit top ups than sticking with this job with shifts , fairly low pay for the first 7-10 years and not a great pension if you don't get your full time in .

Get advice op .

This

You were on here before asking how to get him to leave a while ago for drinking. He told you he wanted a separation and he was moving out. I’m sorry but you are separated so what he does is none of your business. You need to get a hard hat on and sort out the legal side. Get a divorce. I get with your job as an officer you can’t just switch shifts this early in.. I’m the same. What you can do is speak to your sarge and explain what’s happening. They may be able to put you on desk duties for a short period. Either way there is people that will help.

It isn't about her being better, his behaviour is a reflection of who he is, not of you. What sort of person says he's unhappy in his marriage then messes with your head saying you know you're on a break so he can screw other women. It's horrible behaviour, that's the person he really is. If I knew someone whose done what he's done I'd think he was disgusting and want nothing to do with him.

Sorry that was a reply to an early post by OP, thought I quoted 🤦‍♀️.

Dont let him treat you like this ,let him go, this is the end
Lock the door, turn your phone off

She’s easier, that’s all.
He has no respect for you so good luck to her, he’ll do this again.

don’t make him think he can make a choice of being on a break.
when he’s back, tell him it’s over and start making arrangements to leave.

hope you’re ok.

Thank you all, I fell asleep and just woke up and it’s 3am and he’s not here.

My job has been guessed now :) I only joined in November last year, so only got 1 year in. Would hate to quit because of him.

Anyone that knows the police I’m on the dreaded degree entry route so my probation ends in November 2024

Was speaking to his Mum and she said I’d be asking him questions tomorrow but don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

@southeastlady

What you do for living is your business and even if people guessed it you didn't need to confirm it.

Next think your upset and devastated and because your processing it all.

I know that you will get there OP in whatever your situation is about him.

You know it's over now either way but please don't live together separated.

Maybe he wants you say it's over. If so give him what he wants. Tell him do what he planned and move out and your not on break your finished now.

He is "on a break" from being your husband but hasn't moved out. Suggest you make life easy for yourself and go "on a break" from being a wife. Do no cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc. for him. Find yourself a lawyer and explore your options.

I would start divorce proceedings. Muster up your dignity and don’t let him take the piss anymore

Does he

Oops my phone had a moment 🙈

It seems that he thinks he's qualified for a hall pass now.

Even if you have now been seperated for a few weeks, his actions say a lot. He is being unfair as he must know you are upset.

Maybe you should consider making this a permanent separation now. There are ways around childcare, you just have to accept that things will be different now.

But you won't be awake at 3am wondering if he's rolled in yet. Why does he get to call all the shots? Take a stand OP. Put you first now.

If you can't confront him, if you can't confront your life, then say nothing and prepare until you are ready. But the absolute decision must be made, you are a single person now, be open to everything and anyone new.

You were speaking to his mum? It sounds as if she isn’t happy with what your husband is doing. If push comes to shove, could she help out with childcare if needed during the night shifts? And please be careful when talking to her. She’s unlikely to risk her son alienating her even if she’s disgusted with his behaviour.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been separated.the fact you were at all is the end.stop dangling in front of him,stand up and start making life hard for him.he having his cake and eating it! He doesn’t want to be with you but spends his time doing whatever he wants and has a home and wifey to come home to.no f way. Move out.move away.get gone.
whether he shagging another woman or leaving you to go pet hedgehogs.he’s gone,he’s being a cruel prick. His text was vile.
leave.him.now.

To be blunt it’s over
you need to plan for going forward

shocked at how many people think you can just change the locks