Husband is out with another woman

[southeastlady]

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

My mother has been married 4 times and on her 5th marriage at 55. She's an absolute hound so if she can do it I think you be fine. We're nc.

He is on a break so he can justify the affair. She has been lined up. I think you should ask your mum to stay with you and support you in the short term. I'd speak to a solicitor and file for divorce

You say you’ve been together 10 years so that makes him 23 when you got together. He’s realised he’s missed the shagging around years so wants that now.

You’re at a different stage of life. You’re settled and starting a new career.

I would move on without him but if you really want him back, then you need to show him you don’t want/need him. Become independent. I guarantee he’ll realise what he’s missed and come back with his tail between his legs.

By then, you’ll be strong and have the satisfaction of telling him to fuck off.

You need to get on top of all this OP as others have said. I know it hurts now but if you do what you need to do now you won't look back regretting holding on for someone who has shown you zero respect.

• Gather your personal documents and square them away.
• Change ALL passwords even if you think he doesn't know them.
• Log out of your accounts and SM on ALL "joint" devices like a family PC if you have them and stop using them if you can.
• Send him a polite message (written message, not verbally) saying "I don't do breaks so I consider this as us separated. I will only communicate with you through text about anything from here on out until you get your living arrangements sorted".
• Only communicate important things around divorce and your DS through text or email.
• Move all of his shit into the spare room from your bedroom and stick some cardboard boxes in there for if/when he decides to leave.

It's going to be hard, it's not what you want but it's clearly what he wants so take control of the situation now, before he manipulates you.

OP, I remember some of your previous posts and seriously - you need to get looking at this as a blessing in disguise. I've had some pretty awful breakups in my life and what it's made me realise is this:

1. We hang on to the picture we want (happily married, family, etc.) rather than the actual person, who is entirely wrong for us on so many levels it's unbelievable
2. It's impossible to force the wrong door to stay open. It will always find a way to shut itself. Take this as a favour from the universe, get angry, get a lawyer, get strong, and get on with moving on.

You're 39. You have your whole 40s ahead of you. You can be blissfully happy single, and you'll figure out the work/shifts situation. You can co-parent. You may meet someone else and be blissfully happy in a new relationship, also. So many different possibilities for you. In your shoes, I'd make every conversation with him from now on about divorce, what you're both going to do about the house and immediate living situation, and parenting.

Very well said

It sounds like you're in a strong position, stronger than many who come on here.

Own 70% of property
At start of great career
Have savings and no debt

Hopefully have mum available short term to support your work shifts (however dont let him weasel out of his parenting responsibilities as he needs to have DS when you are working)

You've too much going for you to accept a man like this back. Why would you want a man that treats you badly. You deserve better.

Awesome idea if mum goes for it and everyone considers it temporary till you figure out next move.
I would try do this if it were me. OP needs the emotional support too, not just childcare. Might work both ways after losing her dad.

Hubs and I agree , If its a break , agree boundries and ground rules for BOTH of you. So you too can have a night off with a friend . Talk over the options and childcare , and how long this 'break' is to last , then you can make contingency plans as can he .

You're 39. You have your whole 40s ahead of you. You can be blissfully happy single, and you'll figure out the work/shifts situation. You can co-parent. You may meet someone else and be blissfully happy in a new relationship, also. So many different possibilities for you. In your shoes, I'd make every conversation with him from now on about divorce, what you're both going to do about the house and immediate living situation, and parenting.

I completely agree.

OP you have wasted too many years clinging on to a relationship that you hope will one day work - it won’t.

This will never get better.
It will just slowly get worse and worse and you’ll keep breaking up and getting bank together, then in twenty years time you’ll look back and kick yourself for wasting so much time on something that you knew didn’t work.

Stop wasting your precious life and end it once and for all.

Kick him to the kerb, he's a pathetic loser and you deserve far better than this.

Sharing your home with your mum won't make you one of the undateables, btw, with regard to the future! You'll just need to set down some house rules when she moves in.

Good luck. You've got this,

I wanted to know about locking the front door

Does he have a key to his own house?

@southeastlady you asked how you will ever meet someone new, and said you feel you are on the scrap heap of life. Sounds like you need a pep talk. So here it is.

Once you sort through your separation, if you don’t necessarily want another baby then you will be a hot property on the dating market for any guy who is does not want (more) children, but wants to be in a relationship with a woman who is young enough to still be fit and want lots of fun and sex, but old enough and solvent enough not to be looking for a father and provider for a very young child. Even if you rightfully put your own child first whenever he needs you, he is old enough that you will also have time and space for a new guy as well when the time is right. If you work shifts then there will be times during the day when your child is looked after and you are not at work. And if you have gone through training and started a new career at 40 then you have a drive and energy that are attractive.

So chin up, look after yourself and your child, and allow yourself to detach from this guy who seems to be bringing you all kinds of problems and very little joy or support.

who would want to live with their mother in law

One of my grandads did (and FIL). Between them all they managed to buy a lovely home and bring up the children during and after WWII, it enabled my grandma to have a good career with no childcare issues, among other things. It is more common in some times, places and cultures but it's not always a bad thing. I know a few friends who live with a parent to share care (elder or child or both) and/or resources.

There are good men out there, when you are ready, who will see you for who you are and not these tropes about who you (and they) should be living with. Might depend what kind of MIL she is. But presumably after this, she'd be delighted in someone who treated you properly.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

Absolutely

There is nothing better about her, he’s a disgusting excuse of a man ! Do not let this destroy your self esteem , as I have read on here many times “let the garbage take it’s self out !” As upsetting as it is time ti get tough, tell him to enjoy his break permanently and make sure you get a good solicitor .

Another one to say get a SHL first thing tomorrowZ

Just want to add what a horrible horrible prick this guy is. Not even shame faced enough to go upstairs when he comes in.

I think he's digging his heels because he knows he only owns 30% of the house. You are the one that should get the ball rolling with this but I know that must be hard 💐

CF on steroids. How the hell do people like this muster their nerve?

Excellent advice! The silence will kill him.

Just to flip it for a moment, that clearly means he owns 30 percent, even if you decided to buy him out maybe with help from mum. His 30 percent will leave him enough for a deposit and an enormous mortgage with currently extortionate interest rates.

I haven't read your other threads, thank goodness you protected your 70% though, but from reading here, he drinks, does drugs. I just wonder how attractive he'll be when he has no money to spend on her. When he'll have to contribute to the upbringing of his child, when he'll have to pay 100% of his own bills on his new place.

This idiot can't see how much he is giving up.

I'd take control of this situation, right now he thinks he's coming home after seeing his other woman, whatever shite he's telling her we don't know.

He has her, he has his home, he has daily contact with his child and he has you heartbroken, naturally. Get control, see a solicitor, see if you can legally get him out, see if you can buy him out. get his ass out of the home so you don't have to see him. That would be torture for me.

He's not being fair to your child either, putting his mum through that, selfish man.

Take control, get legal advice on how to get him out, buy him out, but get him out of that spare room for your own sanity.

I’m so sorry Op.
It’s difficult to see your value right now, as this loser husband is treating you like absolute dirt.
Get the paperwork in order now and organise a solicitor pronto. Get his self serving ass out of the house. Once he is gone your confidence will soar. You are at the start of a new career and have your own house, you’ll find love again when you are ready. In the meantime focus on you and your child.
Let this other woman deal with this pathetic excuse of a man - he isn’t worth you. Wish her good luck, she’ll need it!
He isn’t your partner anymore, get him out and heal from this hurt with people that love you.

I had the week from hell down to the hands of a very bad man

I know that we will grow
Prosper and do amazing without bad people bringing us down

Sending all the very best wishes OP xxxxxxxxx

In a previous thread you said he does drugs all weekend. Is this still going on? This would be a greater concern to me than the fact he might be shagging the barmaid.

I'd start throwing his clothes out of the front door and sending him pics.