Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is out with another woman

474 replies

southeastlady · 19/11/2022 21:18

For a little over a week now my husband has moved himself into the spare room saying he’s not happy at the moment.

Tonight he’s out with a mystery person and I was asking him what time he’d be in just because I wanted to know about locking the front door and he text back

We’re on a break please leave me to my night!!

and then

We’re not together right now, please stop acting like we are

Sorry just devastated

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 20/11/2022 10:10

Don't worry about the future I.e meeting someone else right now OP. It's too much to take on. Just think about taking one day at a time for now and getting divorced and settled.

CarefreeMe · 20/11/2022 10:14

My mum is selling her house though and has accepted an offer so shortly she won’t just be able to stay over and go home as she’ll have no home.

Where is she planning to live?

UndisclosedBlackPudding · 20/11/2022 10:14

I think moving your mum in would solve a lot of problems OP. Make it less likely for him to come crawling back. Would be you taking back control. Will solve babysitting issues as mum there in situ. Presumably she can contribute monetarily too.
I think you should action this ASAP and toss him out. H out, mum in, he won't know what's hit him.
Talk to your mum ASAP. You sound like one strong and clever woman to me.

MsPavlichenko · 20/11/2022 10:15

It’s hard, but you need to stop thinking about him, what he’s thinking/ doing/planning and start thinking about you and your DC.

Talk to a lawyer(s) asap. Start to make plans and don’t talk to him about any of it. He’s already moved on albeit in a disrespectful way. You’re well rid. You have no control over what he is telling other people, or what that are thinking so don’t give it headspace. That’s a useful approach going forward in other situations ime.

Good luck.

IntrovertedPenguin · 20/11/2022 10:16

Have you asked him to leave? I would just say it's not working out, leave please.

I would get on the phone to your mum and explain the situation too. Flowers

ConnieTucker · 20/11/2022 10:18

This isnt a ‘break’, he has left the relationship. You need to start thinking in those terms. You having savings and him having debt isnt that clear when you're married.

you really should make an appointment to speak to a solicitor.

Quiegal · 20/11/2022 10:19

Have you spoken to him?

I wouldn't go out my way to talk to him just let him talk to you.

If so just talk about your child. Nothing about last night.

I know your devastated but still carry on smiling and laughing with your child.

When you figured out how to do child care then talk to him. Tell him it's not a break your ending it. He should go your mum coming to stay whatever happens.

Don't cook for him like people have said. Just act separated and he will need to sort himself out.

Let him go think the grass is greener on other side.

CarefreeMe · 20/11/2022 10:21

Not something I usually do but I’ve just had a quick look at your posting history.

I’ve not read them properly because there’s so many but this relationship has been over for years.

He’s a big drinker, does drugs, spends your money on drugs, has moved out before for weeks, went and stayed with his brother and is now sleeping in the spare room.

You created a thread over a year ago asking how you can get him to leave.

Why are you still holding on to a relationship where you are both so miserable?
It doesn’t work.

Justthisonce12 · 20/11/2022 10:21

@highdaysandholudays - you need to start proceedings. A solicitor will take their fee out of the proceeds of the house if there’s enough equity and that there’s a good chance of getting it so please don’t let that put you off and if he’s incredibly unreasonable there’s a very good chance You’ll actually get your costs paid for by him. I actually have no idea about this when I got divorced but actually if you’re in a very disadvantaged financial position you can insist and the judge will insist that he pays your hour with a solicitor at least. OMG do I wish I’d done that, you’ve no idea.. hindsight is a wonderful thing

cheshirecatssmile · 20/11/2022 10:21

I may be a thousand miles off and another poster may know more but , if you're married aren't his debts joint seven though it's his name on the cards?
I've heard of this happening before

Original poster
southeastlady · 20/11/2022 10:21

CarefreeMe · 20/11/2022 10:14

My mum is selling her house though and has accepted an offer so shortly she won’t just be able to stay over and go home as she’ll have no home.

Where is she planning to live?

With my brother which is a 2hr drive from me

OP posts:
cheshirecatssmile · 20/11/2022 10:22

cheshirecatssmile · 20/11/2022 10:21

I may be a thousand miles off and another poster may know more but , if you're married aren't his debts joint seven though it's his name on the cards?
I've heard of this happening before

Debts not sevens
Damn autocorrect

Original poster
southeastlady · 20/11/2022 10:23

When we purchased the house we had a deed of trust drawn up as I owned a flat before him which I sold so had a big deposit.

the house is 70% mine

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 20/11/2022 10:25

Don’t let him see any weakness in you OP. He clearly thinks you are as he is treating you like shit, so thinks he can get away with it. Find your strength. Be assertive and firm. Tell him the current arrangement doesn’t work for you. See if your mum is in agreement to move in with you, ask him to move out telling him you and your mum will work out the finances etc. Tell him you need him to come up with an acceptable figure for child maintenance, and say you are visiting a solicitor next week to start divorce proceedings. Be proactive. What a twat he is.

BigScreen · 20/11/2022 10:26

You need to get this all moving OP. He's not going to take any responsibility for this. You are in a good position given your job and equity in the house.

What an arsehole

roarfeckingroarr · 20/11/2022 10:29

@southeastlady oh OP, I feel for you, you're clearly hurting a great deal and perhaps feel abandoned by your mother as well as your husband.

Your marriage is over. You have to do your best to swallow this pain for now, steel yourself and make practical arrangements. Tell him the way he's acting is cruel and beyond acceptable. If he wants to stay out overnight, fine, but it's time to leave.

thisisasurvivor · 20/11/2022 10:30

Sending good wishes your way OP

He's beyond awful

You will be free of him soon

I have been with the most awful man and I know how it can hurt so bad

Chiccaletta · 20/11/2022 10:31

Can you manage the mortgage on your own?

I'd be tempted to sell up and buy somewhere close to your mum if you could wing a job and school transfer.

Another option would be to consider advertising for an au pair/lodger to live in your 3rd bedroom. Their rent they pay you, you pay back to them (wholly or partially) in childcare salary to cover your shift work

Chubbymcfatfuck · 20/11/2022 10:32

southeastlady · 20/11/2022 10:23

When we purchased the house we had a deed of trust drawn up as I owned a flat before him which I sold so had a big deposit.

the house is 70% mine

Will the fact that you are married now override this though? And will your savings be seen as marital assets? I think you should get legal advice ASAP.
I also think you should ask your mother to move in. It seems like the only workable solution if you want to stay in your current role. I know what you are saying about meeting someone, but you have enough to worry about for now, and if you feel like dating again once everything is settled you'll just have to work around it or stay at their place or something!
It will be tough for the next while, but it will get easier, that I promise.

Justthisonce12 · 20/11/2022 10:34

@Chubbymcfatfuck no, it doesn’t override it at all but again as often happens on these threats, people really shouldn’t be throwing these hand grenades. Muse these thoughts quietly to yourself there’s no need for you to add unqualified thoughts to the OP thread.

Choconut · 20/11/2022 10:41

Talk to your mum and talk to a lawyer! Don't sit around waiting for him to decide how things are going to work. I bet he starts panicking once you start taking control. Don't worry about meeting someone else right now, just concentrate on you and ds.

Maybeandfive · 20/11/2022 10:42

So angry on your behalf OP, he's a shit. A selfish, immature, cake eating shit.

You are right to be sensible about how to end things.

Stop obsessing about who he is with, seriously, she could have been anyone. And stop thinking you are old at 40. From where I am sitting you are young and at an ideal time of your life to start a new phase, once you can sort practicalities out.

CrampMcBastard · 20/11/2022 10:44

Why are you trying to figure out how to be “cool”? Do you ignore him? Pretend it’s not happening?

OR

Why don’t you have an adult conversation about your separation, discuss living and childcare arrangements, air your concerns re his debts and see if there’s anything legally you can do to protect yourself?

when you attend domestics, will your advice to people be “try to pretend it’s not happening”?

WickedStepmomNOT · 20/11/2022 10:47

southeastlady · 20/11/2022 10:23

When we purchased the house we had a deed of trust drawn up as I owned a flat before him which I sold so had a big deposit.

the house is 70% mine

Is getting your mum to buy out his 30% when she sells her house an option? Gives you breathing time, she can move in temporarily, say a year, while you both (you and DM) consider your next moves.

NoBDooor · 20/11/2022 10:48

He’s an arsehole.
he has given himself a free pass to shag around, and then if he decides he’ll tell you the break is over and he gets to come back to family life. Do. Not. Let.him. Do. That. To. You.
Start making plans that this relationship is over, you don’t want to do a pick me dance, you are worth more than that. Enjoy your new career, you are young and you’ll be great.