Hi All,
Some advice needed as to if I am being unreasonable, as my partner has bought a house and I pay for half the mortgage and bills, but he refuses to put me on the mortgage/deeds.
A bit of background for context. I met my partner 11 years ago, we have been properly together for 9 years, and lived together for 7 years. (Not married, no children)
When we met, he was at uni, so I often paid for more things (not living together at this point). Once he started working and we moved in together, we have always split everything 50/50 rent/bills/food etc. for the past 7 years.
He went into a finance career and was soon on double, then triple what I was earning, but we still split everything 50/50.
We said we were going to buy a house towards the end of 2021, but Covid happened and I ended up furloughed and on £800 per month, he still had his £100K salary working from home. I still payed half of the rent and bills, which wiped out my £800, so I could not save towards a deposit. He still had his job, plus had minimal expenses because of lockdown, so managed to save £50K, and his family very kindly gave him another £50K for a deposit.
He still wanted to buy at the end of 2021. I asked him to wait a year, as I was working again so I could save towards a deposit, he said no. I offered to sell my car to give £10K towards a deposit, and he said no. I asked to be put on the mortgage, with his deposit ring-fenced, I have no interest in trying to take his deposit, and he said no. He made up some excuses about us not being able to get the mortgage if I was on it that didn't make sense (as I was working again and have a very good credit score), but I had a lot going on with family at the time, so didn't probe more on this. I got upset a few times and said I felt we weren't a team, and should I just move back in with family, and he was just buying a house on his own - to which he said he would be our house. He then said that we would get an agreement that ring-fenced what he put in, and what I would be contributing, so I thought that this would happen and we would get an agreement, which would be fine. In fact, at one point he was even saying he only wanted to ring fence what his family put in, and that what he put in would be split with me, which he didn't have to do, as i was happy for him to protect all of his deposit - however, this is not what has happened since, so I feel like this all might have been a lie to placate me.
So we then moved into the property, and I paid for half of the renovations which cost £5K each, plus I have paid for half of the mortgage from the start which is £865 each per month, plus half of the bills/food/everything else.
3 months in, I brought up the subject of the agreement, as nothing had materialised and I was paying for half of everything. He got very angry and said this would cost a few grand at a solicitors. So I questioned why he didn't just put me on the mortgage from the start, ring-fencing his deposit of course, as that wouldn't have cost anything. He then said I was "money grabbing", and "must have thought I had won the lottery". I was very hurt and confused by this, as we have been together so long, and I have always contributed half towards everything, even though I earned less money (there were extenuating circumstances/I asked him to wait and offered to sell my car, so I deffo wasn't money grabbing). In fact, I went to uni later (different background from him), and only graduated recently, but I made sure I still worked all through my degree to make sure I paid for half of everything, so I have never sat on my butt doing nothing expecting a free ride, we are just from different backgrounds. Even recently I have had to take on more work to support my family (I don't have kids it was for an unwell family member). I then said to him that when he saved for his deposit, I was furloughed with very little and still paid for half the rent/bills etc, whilst he was on £100K (plus bonus), so perhaps if he had contributed more proportionally, I would have had something to put towards the deposit - he then was very angry and said "what, you expect handouts". He then also said the house wouldn't be half mine just because I was paying for half of it, and I said obviously I knew it wasn't fully half mine, as £100K worth is his ring-fenced, but then after that I thought it would be half and half, as I was paying for half of everything, to which he said it wasn't at all, and I was "trying to get a windfall". This is completely different to the agreement that he said to me we would have before we moved in - which at one point he was even saying he would only ring-fence what his family put in.
Anyway, this really played on my mind. A lot was going on in my family life, a family member became unwell, which needed a lot of focus and attention emotionally, and was costing a lot of money, so I took on extra work. I was (and still am) working Mon-Fri 9am - 5pm, plus I work Mon/Weds/Fri/Saturday night 10:30pm - 2am. So I was very busy, emotionally drained, and very tired. He knows how hard I work and how tired I am, I regularly fall asleep driving on the way home from my second job, so it's not like I am lazy and expect handouts. However, still no agreement materialised. so when 6 months passed, I called a break. I told him that I felt taken for granted, and felt like he was not committed, that he doesn't want to act like a team or partnership, so he needed to make his mind up - it's either that or he's controlling, and that he just wanted everything his way - he gets half his mortgage and half the renovations paid on a house that is all his. Plus, whilst I am paying for half his mortgage, I can't afford to save up for one of my own. Plus, it is quite hard to even get a mortgage on an average salary alone, I always thought we were going to do it together as a team, so I am not sure I will even be able to get one alone.
Anyway, the break dragged on with no resolution, we are talking more again, so I asked about it again. Now he is saying that because I went on a break with him, he definitely won't put me on the house, not for a few years and even then "I shouldn't get my hopes up", and that what I am paying him is rent (this is very different to what he said when we moved in). I also literally went on a break with him because of this, so it seems very circular. I have tried again from a different position, as I have said that if the house is all his, and he doesn't want me on the deeds or mortgage, then I shouldn't be paying the mortgage - and I especially shouldn't be paying it, as when we moved, I moved in under the premise that we were getting this agreement and I had a stake in the house, that is why I was paying for half of everything - and now he is saying that what I am paying him is rent. He is furious about this and has said that I need to pay it as rent, or move out.
He said today that he thinks I don't "deserve" to be on the mortgage/deeds because I didn't save for a deposit, but, as I mentioned above covid happened - which he said was "very convenient"/I asked him to wait a year/ offered to sell my car etc, plus have always paid for half and of course expected him to ring-fence and protect his deposit. Plus, I would never had had the level of his deposit anyway, as I was on an average salary, plus paying half the rent - he is on £100K plus deposit, plus family help - so I would never have had anywhere near what he has put in. Lots of my friends were in similar situations, with someone having a bigger deposit, but people just protect and ring-fence it. I would understand if I was a new partner, or he had had bought the house before he met me, but we have been together so long, planned to buy together (there were extenuating circumstances and he didn't want to wait), and I have always contributed half of everything. In fact, my family live 10 minutes away, his live in the countryside 3 hours away, but he moved to London to work here, so I could have lived with my family down the road and saved if I had known we weren't a partnership/team, as I've spent about £67K in rent/bills living with him for the past 7 years.
I guess I am just posting this, as I don't know if I am crazy and unreasonable really, and just want some opinions please. Should I be paying for half of the mortgage if I am not on the mortgage/deeds? Should I be paying it when the terms have changed, he originally said we would have an agreement that gave me a stake in the house, but now he's saying what I am paying is rent - which tbh is what I think he planned all along, or he would have got the agreement drawn up from the start right? I've paid £13,650 in mortgage payments and for the renovations since we moved in 10 months ago, under the premise that I had a stake in the house and we were getting an agreement drawn up, which didn't materialise, and I've since been told that what I am paying him will be rent. I think, if he had told me this from the start, I would have moved back in with my family to save my own deposit, as I would have felt we weren't a team and he wasn't committed.
If I don't pay his mortgage, then I could save for my own mortgage, my family member is a little better now and I still have both the jobs - so I might be offered a big enough mortgage by the bank as my salary looks better, but I can't keep up both the jobs forever, as I am falling asleep driving home, so it isn't ideal - plus I have no social life and am very tired. Plus, it just feels really sad that we can't be a team, I've never expected handouts and pay for half. Where does that leave our relationship.
Sorry it was so long...