He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

If you are staying with a man who is abusive to your children then that is a very different conversation OP.
If you are with someone who takes time out for themselves and then if you do the same uses against your dc then this isn't a relationship worth staying in.

You have bigger problems than this retreat. He's financially abusive and can't cope with parenting his own children.

In your shoes, I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off on his retreat and close the door behind him. Then I'd book a weekend nanny on his credit card so I could have a break and dare him to complain about the cost to me.

I don't. I think he's totally selfish and he's got a bloody cheek.

He isn't the one who is struggling both physically and mentally, and utterly desperate for a few days' break.

This sounds perfect to me.

When do you get a couple of nights to retreat, OP???

I don't even want a few days away myself. I would miss the children terribly. But I was looking forward to him being off work and being around to help with school runs and cooking etc so I can catch my breath. I feel so overwhelmed some days that when I have time I just need to sit and rest.

How much does he do around the house and with the children

Since he is so financially abusive it honestly sounds like you'd be better off without him. He isn't helping you with the kids anyway, he adds more work for you than helps you, so what difference does it make if you're alone or together? You'd be better off telling him to go on the retreat - permanently. And if your MIL is so unhygienic I wouldn't even have my children going to her house.

That sounds reasonable and better for you, a few days to yourself and not seeing MIL.

@toomuchlaundry he will wash up, though not very well, cooks sometimes, obsessed with popping out to the supermarket for little bits when I would rather sit down and plan things properly or do an online shop (too expensive and he is very tight), he will do laundry but gets annoyed if I ask him not to put coloureds with whites (lots of grey whites now) as if he's doing something should be allowed to do it his way. I do school admin etc and supervise homework. He has been known to hover over DD and stress her out.

Do you have a plan to get out ?

Because you know this isn't going to get any better...

Tbh it’s not a bad idea for either of you. My DH used to work away a lot when DS was little. I would occasionally just book myself into a hotel for the night just for some me time, there’s nothing wrong with it.

you sound like you need some support with your mental health. Please go and see your GP

Sounds like you're more in need of a silent retreat than he is.

So you just reply " Of course you can go on retreat darling....but I'm going first".

I think you need to start focusing on your own wellbeing. If you have a breakdown you won't be any good for anyone. I had conversations with my husband about a year ago. My youngest was one and a half is.. I didn't get any time to myself. I'd had never left her probably mostly covid related. I had no free time at all. I was basically on the verge of a breakdown. I explained that if I didn't have a few hours alone regularly I was going to be ill. If I was ill he would be indefinitely responsible for both children because I would be well enough to look after them. He started taking both kids to the park for 2 hours and leaving me in peace. Just being read a book and have some headspace helped me feel better. Now he'll take them both for 5 hours to visit family or do a day trip. I go out for lunch with my girlfriend. Don't gey me wrong my free time is still limited but having some space is great.

Anyhow, I think his retreat is unreasonable at this stage. He needs to support you. You need time alone. He needs to parent his kids and you need to be able to trust him to do that. If you start small with him having both kids alone for an hour and build up it will make a difference. You need time to prioritises your mental health. You need to see a doctor about your anxiety. He is unreasonable to consider going away. Have you been honest about how you feel?

I think everyone needs a break sometimes, and if he feels he needs to go on a silent retreat, I think that’s fine. However, it needs to be at a time that is also convenient to you. If the weekend he has picked doesn’t work for you because of x,y,z then tell him to find a more convenient date. My husband worked abroad for 6 months at one stage when I had a 2 and 5 year olds. It was tough, but also manageable. You will cope. Now, you might also benefit from a break and it might also benefit your husband into knowing how much you actually do. You don’t need to worry about how he’ll get on, you’d be surprised what people can actually do when they have too. It doesn’t have to be expensive, is there a friend that you would like to visit? Or is there a city you’ve always fancied seeing? You can find some real bargains at times. I think everyone needs a bit a me time.

Well, this just sounds worse and worse frankly.

And the popping out to the supermarket is just an excuse to get out of the house. Some will say affair, which it could be. Far more likely it's just his way of absenting himself from home responsibilities while attempting to maintain the high ground, "well, I went to the shops"

he sounds awful.

Christ @walkinthewoodstoday he sounds like mine, minus the cooking. He also informs me of his time away by email rather than speak to me in the house. He's been away probably 20-25 nights so far this year for gigs which cost god knows how much, adding in transport and sometimes accomodation. And some of those completely unannounced til he's actually on the way there... I've had 4 nights away this year, and have spent much of tha time feeling terrible mum guilt. I plan to ask him to leave. He needs to consider you and your needs before he finds himself in the same situation as my dh.

OP you really must try to start enjoying life! We all must - as Nostradamus has some bad predictions for next year!

If you've only been away on your own for one night in 7 years then maybe your world is quite small.
You don't want to leave the kids and miss them. I get that.
Is there a weekly class that you could join? Something nice just for a hobby? Sometimes they start things after Christmas.

But also you want things done your way.
He can't wash up properly.
He can't do the homework because he stresses out your DD.
You don't like him going over to his mother's on his own because he might get frustrated.
If you want more help, you'll have to allow him to take on some of the stuff and let him do it his way.

Otherwise you've enabled a situation where you have to do everything yourself.

When he says something like 'it's Mummy's fault for not coming' how do you know he says that, does your DD tell you?
Does he often things like that and does he make comments like that in front of your DD?

Christ, he sounds unbearable. I bet he deliberately does things badly so you won’t ask again too. And that he knows it all too.
Just what do you get out of this marriage apart from misery and exhaustion OP?
Sending you a unMNetty hug.

I knew from the beginning this was just going to get worse and worse.

Start thinking about how you get your ducks in a row.

It is, without question, that you and your children would be a million times happier without him in the house.

So the question becomes, is it doable?

@Seaweed42 I don't mind about the washing up, just being factual as another poster asked what he did. When my DD is having a meltdown because he is stressing her out then I feel like I've let her down and equally if he takes them away and can't cope I will have to know he badmouthed me to the children and blamed me... even though he should be perfectly capable of taking them away!

12 year plan perhaps

This is about so much more than your husband wanting to go on a retreat.

It's about your husband not pulling his weight. About him never having both children and being tetchy and angry with them. About him expecting you to spend several days with his mother who isn't kind to you. About him thinking he has a right to time off but you don't. About him now caring enough about your wellbeing. About him either not noticing or not caring that you are (understandably) struggling. About you being scared to tell him what you want. About you putting his needs ahead of yours. About him putting his needs ahead of yours. It's about you feeling that family money is 'his' and having to explain everything you spend. It's about him not valuing what you are doing with your children (while at the same time not wanting to do it himself).

He is selfish. He is getting much more downtime than you, and yet he thinks he needs a retreat. You both seem to think that he and his needs are more important.

This needs to change. Or you would be better off without him.

This is ridiculous. Why on earth have another kid with him. I'd give him 5 out of 7 silent night retreats. JC.

You don't need a 12 year plan. You need to get your mental health stable, then stand up for yourself and set some boundaries around what you expect from him. And if he doesn't step up, you need a divorce.