He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

Reading how you feel, OP, and how you’re barely coping... And knowing that so many of my mum friends are in the same place. I just think that men just haven’t got a f@&%ing clue what it’s like, with babies / kids / birth / everything...

Might not be helpful... But I was getting these exact dizzy/fed up symptoms and found out I was anaemic.

The fact it coincided with your period restarting (which requires more iron from your body) makes me think you might be iron deficient - which would affect your mood, fatigue, dizziness everything.

Could you go to your GP and get some blood tests to check, and start on an iron supplement asap?

Re your husband - tell him you need to go on a silent retreat first!

Would people be so aggressive towards him if he’d asked for a few days to go a stag!

I know, I'm shocked! If DH ever had. Day off when I wAs on ML we'd be doing something together even if it was just playing in the lounge with DD.

I would! The reason isn't relevant, it's him deciding to sod off and leave his wife & kids at a shit time of year when he already appears to do little anyway

That’s a great idea

"I think it's a brilliant idea that we should both have some actual time completely off. I know that I am close to breaking point and you must feel similarly but obviously I am sure you would want to make sure we each get the same amount of down time. Let's work out a plan where we can do this fairly."

Do you have anyone who could come and stay and be "backup" 2nd person for a week and each of you gets half the week to go off and get some proper rest.

This seems more than fair to me as long as you feel you can cope with the couple of days without help. At that stage in the game I couldn't have and my husband wouldn't have gone if I had said that (tbh he wouldn't have asked).

Sounds to me like you need an urgent face to face chat.

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat

Why don't you say, "Oh I love playing that game! I'd love to have someone look after the baby all night, while I sleep. Oh and I'd love someone to take the children to the park on Sunday afternoons so I can have a bath and read for an hour."

Better still if you say you'd like things that he already has for himself.

You are being financially abused.

Your life will improve without this third child. Your own money in benefits plus cms will be much better for you and the dcs.

Well, having read all your comments, I'm afraid that I think you have a much bigger problem than your H wanting to go on a retreat. He's financially controlling, not interested in helping or supporting you and allows his mother to treat you badly.

What religion is it because I'd be tempted to say something like, "it's not very christian for you to want to go on a silent retreat during the busiest school and kids week of the year and then STILL want me to go to your mum's house."

On the retreat - ONLY if he a) helps in advance with any shopping/prep and b) if he takes the kids to his mums for those few days before Christmas while you get some rest and relaxation.

On the rest - you need to really think about this relationship. Sorry.

this sounds like a good plan.

Although he will have help with the 2 children and you won't so he still won't understand just how hard it can be to mind a baby and a toddler on your own.

Look having a small baby can be absolutely shite sometimes let's face it.
Your life is not your own for a while.
Take heart. This is a tunnel you are in.
Things change.
But reach out. Tell him how you are feeling.
Don't make yourself an island.
Use the text he sent to start a conversation about how difficult it is being a mother and having to put your own needs aside. And what a strain that can be on a person.

You poor woman.

What a selfish pig.

Religious retreat my arse.

After your update, please reach out to family, friends, Women's aid for support.

You deserve so much better than this waster.

It’s really rubbish the number of people who’ve raced to post without fully reading and comprehending the issue.

The OP is being financially abused and made to feel she has no value in the household as she’s on maternity leave so isn’t earning money. And just imagine your husband texting you (about something important!) rather than having a conversation - when you’re both in the house. Miserable marriage this is.

Where did she say that he hasn't been doing his part?

You're struggling because you're being financially abused!

Err, when you’re an adult WITH CHILDREN, yes you do.

This strikes me as a totally excellent and sensible plan.
In fact regardless of the retreat I would as him to do this.
Try and look after each other.

OP You must be exhausted, please contact your HV and GP. You need support from you family as you are getting zilch from you husband. Where is this religious retreat he keeps disappearing to and who the bloody hell is he with. I think you need some answers very quickly.

@Herefishy he is financially abusing her and he is currently on a day off and texts his wife a question rather than get off his backside to go and talk to her. He never has the children alone for long periods of time. I think we can surmise from that he isn't doing his part. Unless you have a very low bar of what you expect a partner to do

I would bloody love a silent retreat!

I think you should say yes, but absolutely only on the terms that he takes the DC to his mother's afterwards, or you get something else of equal value.

Please do not just let him go and you struggle on.

I think this is perfectly acceptable. 💐

I've realised a flaw in my plan and it comes at my children's expense which I just can't allow. If he takes them to his mum, without me, then he probably won't cope and will get angry with my just turned 7 year old. She will be upset and then he will say it's mummy's fault for being selfish and not coming. The whole thing will back fire.

If he was financially abusive and questioning the OP on purchasing a lightbulb, going on said stag when she’s at a low ebb and in a particularly busy week, and texting her about it when he’s in the same house, yes.