He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

I would agree on the basis that you get an equivalent break. Sounds like you could do with a silent retreat too. I went on retreat for a week when my kids were young. It was an absolute life saver. My OH held the fort, and I did the same for him and he went to London for a few days. We had no family help and were run ragged, it put some petrol in the tank for both of us.

Awful? Hell, no, it's a brilliant idea!

Kills two birds with one stone since you get out of seeing her at the same time. And if you could make this into a regular arrangement you're onto even more of a winner with this. Serve him right for not being so eager to take account of your needs as he was his own!

Dear DH I think this sounds like a wonderful idea for me.

given I was pregnant for 9 months and then had the 7 month old and have been on duty for over 12 months without a break, silence or a holiday I suggest that you take both children to your mothers on the dates as planned and I will have a few days away

as you know for anyone to vanish on a retreat lives the other having to step up - this way you get support looking after the children (after all I have been doing it non stop with little thanks appreciation and acknowledgement 24:7 for months on end) and I have a break.

if anyone needs a silent retreat it is me

love you

me

@walkinthewoodstoday I have a dd with a baby and if she told me that her dh was treating her this badly I would be begging her to come live with me and I’d be giving my dsil an earful.
Remember a problem shared is a problem halved.
Go to your dp’s for a week with the dc and get a rest and some tlc. You need it.

Why don’t you invite your mum down while he is on his retreat?

She's working and lives a long way away

I'm going for Xmas so don't really feel I can go the week before as well. It's too much as I have other siblings and there is limited space. I am really looking forward to Xmas though.

Selfish tw*t.
Sounds like you’re struggling so please get some help. You need a retreat too by the sounds of it x

And by that time, how traumatized will the children be?

I hope you can muster the support you need to end this miserable situation. If he is causing meltdowns in the child and badmouthing you to your own offspring, you really need to leave.

I seriously question the piety of someone who would treat their supposed "loved ones" like this. WWJD, eh? Are you sure it's a religious retreat?

What is the exact scenario with your mother/parents? you mean there are siblings still living at home?

Have you been honest with your mum? I should think everyone squeezing together in her home to help you get on your feet would be preferable to continuing this situation where both you and your children are being abused.

Most mothers would insist that you bundle up the kids and come home. Any hardships of cramped quarters or stretched budgets can be overcome, but the child's abuse at the voice/hands of her father, and his poisoning of her view of you with vile words, cannot be undone. The clock is ticking. I wish you luck.

Hi OP, as long as you can also book a weekend away yourself (and sounds like you really need one) then I wouldn’t have a problem with this. However…. Why are only you doing the school run? You sound run down and in a bad way. Can you open up to him about how you need him to do more of his fair share?

Your dh sounds like a moron (tutting about buying a lightbulb indeed honestly) and you dear OP do not sound very well. Could you get a GP appointment?

"If he takes them to his mum, without me, then he probably won't cope and will get angry with my just turned 7 year old. She will be upset and then he will say it's mummy's fault for being selfish and not coming. The whole thing will back fire."

Wait wait wait. He has been on an 8 day retreat and wants to go on more retreats, but if he takes them to his mum for a few days without you then you are selfish for not going? That is a big honking double standard. There is your problem right there. What happens if you wave this red flag double standard in his face? If he wants to take retreats and other breaks sharing the parenting then why is it wrong for you also to get breaks?

@zelda I have two brothers (one single and one with partner) and at least one will be staying over Xmas. I have two children and so obviously take up a lot of space!

She isn’t entitled to annual leave? I get the 6 hours thing, but if it’s for several days and you sound like you really could do with her..

have you told her how you feel?

@expat101 yes but it's a bit much for me to come and stay for a really long time. She doesn't have any more leave as she works shifts and has taken a lot coming to visit me. I'm OK, but being on my own so DH can go off is too much

He never has both children alone for long stretches and neither do I need him to.

You say this as though you're the real parent and he's the second class one? He clearly needs more practice parenting and it might help him appreciate you, too.

Besides, you sound like you really could do with more downtime than you get - although you feel like you shouldn't need it.

She will be upset and then he will say it's mummy's fault for being selfish and not coming. The whole thing will back fire.

This is not ok @walkinthewoodstoday . Is that the sort of thing he does? Another sign he is manipulative and controlling, abusive.

By saying that to his children he is emotionally abusing them.

You badly need to speak to someone.

This man is coercively controlling you with his financial abuse and emotionally abusing his children.

Coercive control is a crime.

Please call Womens aid for a chat.
Tell your family the truth.

This is a bad man, who is abusing his family.

The more I read of this thread the more abusive this guy appears to be. The idea of him on a religious retreat is just laughable.

TBH I would take the kids and go to my mum's. I'd file for child maintenance and universal credit and find somewhere for the three of you to live.

I wouldn't let him take the children to his mum's. His mum is a nasty piece of work and her home is unsafe and unsanitary.

I'd leave him to meditate to his heart's content, frankly. He sounds fucking awful.

And I would say to him that if there isn't the money for a lightbulb, there certainly isn't the money for him to have a solo holiday.

Agree totally. The op doesn’t want him to go but describes to us how he is a deeply abusive man.

I think uou need to make plans op to leave. What you’re telling everyone about how simply awful abusive bullying this man is makes us all feel so bad for you and your children, to have to live like this. With this complete animal.

its time to out and away from this awful human.

Just to put a different side to the argument here....

Yes there might be some issues that the OP and her DH need to work through but I'm not seeing a totally abusive man here. A lot of the OPs arguments are speculative for how he might behave - which seems a little unfair as posters are now trying him before he has done the crime.

Sighing at spending isn't great but lots of people have money worries at the moment.

It's sounds like he tries to help around the house, just isn't up to OPs standards.

It's sounds like you are totally overwhelmed ay the moment so I would sit down and talk all this through with your DH. He might not realise. Have you told him?

Also, I would try to take some time away yourself - it's a good idea. Your DH and DC will be fine.

I don't think your husband became so selfish since you had your second child.... what are his good points?

I think you've ignored a lot of things up till now and his popping out to the supermarket ah the time and these retreats are fishy to me.

@MrsDooDaa yes he's not totally abusive! Just a bit useless