He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

Is he Catholic? And is it an advent retreat?
i think it’s reasonable to say the children go to the grandparent. But you will need to find a way to relax and not spend the whole time worrying or doing housework
Also have you had your B12, Vit D etc etc levels checked? Yes it is really hard having young children but you sound very down and very tired. Low levels could be contributing to that.
Hope things improve for you

He’s texting from the same house?! I’d be tempted to reply “New phone, who diss?” Or simply: 🖕🏻

They do need to make sure they have childcare in place if they have children, though. Otherwise that's neglect.

And only a complete arse assumes that the other parent will be happy to do it without at least checking with them.

Wow how selfish - does he do his share when he’s not working.
You do sound exhausted and does he step up in any way do you get a lie on or time away from the children.
He will look aghast when you suggest taking the children alone - He won’t do that!!! But stick to your guns.
Why was his mother rude to you? She is a highly dysfunctional woman and given his likely deprived childhood maybe he does find father hood over whelming BUT he needs to talk to you if this is the case. HE needs to give you the same breaks. It’s not al ME ME ME.
Do not go to his mothers if it’s not going to be positive in any way. All the extra costs could go towards you having a break.
On an aside - have you looked up symptoms of depression - maybe it’s lack of support at home that’s causing your low mood. Could you go to your family or ask someone to visit to give you a bit of respite.
He could do some parenting courses if he feels he doesn’t know what to do. If we haven’t been parented it can be hard to know what to do. 🌺

Say "of course darling" so long as he returns the favour 😉

I’d be responding with ‘oh yes, I think that’s a great idea, I was thinking I need something similar too. If you do those dates maybe I could just stay home to get some downtime whilst you take kids to your mums, or if that doesn’t work I will have a look for something the week after that’

I am so glad I am not in many of yours marriages. Surely you give each other space to do things individually?

Everyone needs recharging time. Some people go on a retreat others go to Marbella with the girls.

If I suggested that I went away for the weekend and my husband said no .... Well I would be gone longer than a weekend

The op sounds as if she has some PND and it's normal to feel this anxiety and you should go and visit the GP. But honestly you need some you time as well. This sounds perfect. He does the retreat you do whatever you need to do for a weekend

You are both new parents , it's tough. Do what you both need

I would just be completely honest and say ‘now is not a good time. I’m struggling and need help’.

After years of marriage to a total bell end, I know one when I see one.
I’m sorry but I suspect the time will be spent in occupations not really approved by the church. Maybe I am suspicious of the loudly religious because our vicar left his seriously ill wife for a woman the same age as his daughters. For his own well-being, naturally.
it’s up to you whether you believe him or not.
However, insist that you have an equal time away to rest, even if you only go to your mothers house. If he refuses, you’ll know how much he values your well-being.

It's not clear from your posts if your DH is being unreasonable. He may be struggling g with working and parenting as well - most parents need a break.

Have you spoken to your DH about how much you are struggling?

The scrutinising of your spending and sighing over lightbulbs is financially controlling and seems designed to make you feel powerless and anxious to "get it right". Does he jave you treading on eggshells in other ways?

As I said upthread your health should be more of a priority for both you and your husband. But improving your health probably won't improve your husband - at least, not unless one of the vitamins you get is a big fat vitamin X.

@maddy68
Please read the thread and between the lines before commenting, and apply some critical thinking. Obviously your suggestion would be lovely, but it's is blindingly obvious if you read the ops posts that hers is not a balanced relationship in any way, shape or form.

From now on don’t go to his mothers at all unless you want to. Send him with the kids and chill at home.

he can be as aghast as he likes, sounds to me like he needs to actually parent and put in the hard graft you are putting in.

you need to go on your own retreat, whatever form it takes, concentrate on your health and well-being, eat and drink and sleep and breathe.

your husband sounds like a dick.

Your relationship sounds awful.

You sound very vulnerable and may be being financially abused.

Women's aid is for women like you.

Ring and tell them about your life and money situation and see what they say.

I really think you need to see your GP too.

Does he do his fair share of parenting and housework?

@aloris you get it. Thank you. It's the mental and physical burden of getting everyone ready just to pop to the shops for milk etc. I remember when baby was about 4 weeks old and I hadn't put him down as he wouldn't lay in his cot and needed to be on me. I was in agony from the c section and couldn't walk properly and so so exhausted I was worried for what I might do. He just didn't get it. Yes he was working and his sleep was disrupted but I felt like I was dying. And this request just feels unnecessary and adding insult to injury. Her never has both children alone for long stretches and neither do I need him to. I just need him to realise swanning off for a retreat in December is too much and not have to justify it. I'm having a rest now as the baby is sleeping and I don't know what DH is doing as it's his day off and he can do what he likes! My only ask is that he does the school run

@maddy68 we aren't new to parenting we have a 7 year old. He's gone on 8 day long retreats in the past and a ten day work trip abroad, but the 7 year old was 5 then, not 9 months! Although, thinking about it, I've never been away for longer than one night!

There's no obligation for Catholics to go on retreat.

He could go when things are less hard work for OP and she's doing better.

Well I'm not earning and have to explain every purchase on the credit card. So yes, it's joint in that sense but still get sighed at for buying a lightbulb or our DD birthday present etc

Madness. Complete madness living like this. You're not earning because you're on maternity leave with his child!

All of this.

You sound so unhappy and he doesn't care.

Quite shocking really.

How did you end up in this mess @walkinthewoodstoday ?

@walkinthewoodstoday I'm sure it won't be as long as waiting for the baby to be 3+ for you to feel better and struggle less. You're clearly run down and docs, vitamins and food will help a lot.

Well his attitude to you re £sd is not ‘Christian’ - is DH ‘an altar chewer’ by any chance - 👍🏿☘️🙄 re ‘retreat’ he’s looking for a group of similarly minded people who will act as a sycophantic claque and facilitate his solipsistic behaviour - STREET ANGEL HOUSE DEVIL’ as we say in ‘pool You have my prayers 👍🏿☘️❤️

Say that that sound lovely… and you’d like the same!!

So he currently has a day off work & although in the same house is so uninvolved that he has sent a bloody text!

I can't get over how he treats you financially. Analysing your every purchase? Fuck that OP! You need some financial independence. Take the family income; subtract family expenses; subtract amounts for savings etc; and divide the 'spending money' in two, one-half for each of you.
And if there's to be any retreat, you need to have equal 'you' time/expenditure.
He sounds like a controlling lazy dickhead to me.