He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

Just tell him that it's not the right time. Too much on atm and he needs to be around to help. You can talk about it again another time.

(In maybe time years or so)

What's that favourite mumsnet phase?
"No is a complete sentence ".

....10 years......

I've come back because I need your support.

Since I first posted my health has deteriorated- I've been struggling to eat and feeling weak. I've been vomiting too, perhaps due to stress and exhaustion.

I thought that because he never mentioned the retreat face to face that he realised it was a bad idea. Today, I receive a text saying:

I forgot that I'm going on retreat this afternoon until Wednesday afternoon. Had told you about this but then forgotten.

I am at breaking point. I am crying all the time for no reason.

I replied no you can't do that, we have baby's nursery intro tomorrow.
Obviously the reason he can't go is more than just that but I don't know how to reply. It's like if I say no, he will make out I am controlling him.
He replies- when is that?
I tried to phone because texting about this is ridiculous and he doesn't answer.

I think I need to get a train ticket booked and get to my mums and leave him with the children next week. But then I worry about what he will say to them and how he will blame me when he gets angry or messes up.

I've been so stupid to have been abused by him for so long. Not physical but surely emotionally.

Leave him. Take your time and plan carefully. He is hit prioritising yig ir your family. Can you not take the children with you to your Mums?

@RosettaStormer I can't take eldest out of school. But the following week I can go to mums alone and he can have the children.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense or spelling mistakes.

I have a Dr appointment by telephone end of the week but probably won't get bloods done until after Xmas

I feel like I can't go on anymore but I can't leave my baby.

Hi Op. Really sorry to read your updates. You sound like you are pretty much in a crisis and that he's prepared to abandon you. This is shit behaviour on his part. Are you feeling strong enough to sit him down for a proper talk? When you say he's texting you and doesn't answer his phone, where is he? Is he at work and you at home with the baby?
There IS support here to help you get through this. Mumsnet is good at this.

Hugs.

@heldinadream no he is on annual leave I don't know where. He doesn't care though does he so how can I phone him now I can't stop crying

Thank you for replying

OP, ring your Health visitor today.
It is almost the end of term. Could you and the DC stay with your mum over Christmas and new year?
Your health and sanity is the most important thing here.
You need legal advice.

You actually don't know where he is?

He went to get the tyres on his car fixed but now isn't answering his phone

Please phone your mum and tell her what’s going on
you need support now

@mamas12 I can't she has a nightshift later and I can't disturb her

Yes good shout phone your mum.

Also - just an idea - ring the nursery and explain a bit if you're comfortable to, you might not be able to deal with the intro session tomorrow so better to tell them in advance and it's one less thing for you to worry about.

Ok mum on nightshift but you CAN disturb her for an emergency? This sounds like one to me (but I don't want to ramp it up if it's not).

OP, your Health visitor can expedite support, referrals, GP appointment. That is their job. They are trained to spot post natal depression and get support in place. The number will be in your baby's red book. You need to talk to someone today. I agree with pp that you should cancel the nursery meeting for now.
You are in an abusive, controlling relationship. I am so sorry.

He says he is coming home. Will see what he says

Ok I will try and look for the health visitor number. I feel like there is nothing that can be done now though. I feel nervous about health professionals because my husband is a doctor. So maybe other GPS will tell me to pull myself together and not be so f lazy like he did

Other HPs will take you seriously.
And him calling you fucking lazy is abusive.
Keep us posted OP.

I understand OP, but he has no right to see or know anything about your medical records. Your own GP should be completely separate from anything to do with your husband or his employer. Some of the worst abuse I have read about was perpetrated on his wife by a solicitor. There is a huge amount of abuse and violence perpetrated by police officers. It happens with HCPs as well.

the fact that he’s a GP is alarming…

however glad he is coming back and hope he’s not planning going away. Do get some support from your mum and tell her how you are feeling as she’ll want to help you. Keep us updated

Can you talk to your HV without him there?

The health visitor team are going to call me back. I'm nervous. Are they going to think I'm useless and stupid and don't deserve their time. My baby is lovely and easy.