He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

He is abusive you have to explain buying a lightbulb for your daughter.

Can you not see this?

And he might not cope looking after his 2 children and get angry with your daughter and then tell her it is your fault as you are being selfish. How is that not being abusive @walkinthewoodstoday

But this is speculative - it hasn't actually happened.

But OP is worried that might happen. Surely if he was a good dad she wouldn’t have that worry.

I would never have had to worry that DH wouldn’t cope with DS without me around and I certainly wouldn’t have had to worry that DH would blame me and make it impossible for me to leave DC in his care for a few days

@MrsDooDaa I'dve thought if OP thinks he might do something like that, it's because he's done similar things in the past.

He texted you that? Has the silent retreat already started?

He sighs at you for buying essential stuff? Massive red flag, be assertive and stick up for yourself, and consider a move in with your mum, she sounds lovely!

That sounds like an idea - except you will probably find yourself using the time to do housework and get no rest. A matching few days off for you sounds like a good plan - away from the house.

You sound really sad op. As another pp said, get your iron levels checked. Low ferritin made me feel on deaths door. Your husband sounds, well really not very nice to be honest. Very self centred.

Hi - I think your DH is being super unreasonable and insensitive but can I ask, have you spoken to your GP about how you are feeling? It honestly sounds like you may be suffering with PND as the symptoms you describe is how I felt after I had my little boy.

OP please speak with your GP about your anxieties and Women’s Aid about your relationship with your husband. I’m afraid it sounds like coercive controlling, making you feel bad about menial things, making you feel bad if you take (warranted) time away from your children. Please speak to someone asap! If you have joint income, that all goes into the family pot you shouldn’t have to justify every spend, there’s a difference between budgeting & watching the pennies to what you’re describing. Please seek professional help and advice!

Adults who can't separate the washing or run it at the wrong temperature are not just doing it differently or to different standards - they either have a fundamental learning difficulty or are being strategically useless.

Folding the washing in different ways is different standards - not mucking up the task so that someone else does it.

Never ceases to amaze me how many men who supposedly hold down jobs and can drive a car, organise their own jollies are suddenly helpless and make their wives the default house slave when it comes to family life. Such men are never "good dads" - they are selfish, abdicating their responsibilties and teaching their children that this is how men and women behave.

Honestly you may be depressed but frankly so would I be - its as likely to be situational depression as anything else. Talk to your GP but please also talk to someone like a women's aid advisor about your relationship. It honestly does not sound remotely equal or healthy (or a good model for your children to learn).

I'm sad to read your posts and your husband sounds awful.
It may not feel like it, but he is being abusive...financially, emotionally...and slagging you off to the children is emotional abuse of the child.
This sort of abuse can often be worse than physical.

Do you have any friends?
Could you join a mom and baby group just to be able to chat to others and make some new friends?
Also speak to your health visitor.
You need some support, which should be coming from your husband but clearly that's not going to happen.

You sound like a wonderful mum. I wish my M was like you

Perfect idea OP. Definitely do this.

I'm finding this all really hard so am not going to post anymore. Yes, I think various things have made me realise how controlling he is and how he so often gaslights me and tries to blame me. Going to stay strong

He should go but definitely he can take the kids to his mother when he’s back. You book yourself out then ( maybe go and see yours).
You might find it easier than you think without him to worry about too. You and the kids can do what you please for a few days. Opposite of a silent retreat I expect.

Longer term do you have a Home Start group you can contact? Or a Facebook group page if someone can volunteer a bit of help? Just a bit of support.

I haven’t read through the whole thread but I have read all of your comments.

Your ‘D’H is being incredibly selfish. He also sounds quite lazy. He needs pull his weight more too. I didn’t see an update about the retreat - I’m not sure if I missed it or if you didn’t update us on that bit. But I’d be telling him no - not just based on your OP but on everything else you have said. Moving forward he could probably do with having more days with just him and the children so that he understands what you do for your family, so that he can learn to parent both DC together without you and so that you can have some time off to yourself. You sound like you need some better support and it’s a shame he won’t do that. I hope you are okay 🪴

I agree with @1HappyTraveller .

Stand up for yourself and dont let him bully you!

Look after yourself, @walkinthewoodstoday . And come back here once you've mulled things over - you'll get help and advice. 💐

Thank you.
I adore both my dc and dgc so consider myself to be very lucky but I couldn’t stand aside if I thought their partners were abusing them in any way even if it was just laziness.
Fortunately I have a lovely dsil who cares very much for his family and their happiness.

My thoughts exactly

Look after yourself, @walkinthewoodstoday. Come back and post when you feel ready to - you will find lots of support.

I hope you can have support IRL

He’s sounds like he treats you so badly I’m afraid I would be suspicious about what he’s really doing with his time away as he clearly doesn’t give a rats arse about you.

You deserve better

This. Tell him to get a fucking grip. This luxury of this sort of navel gazing wankery isn’t really compatible with having 2 small children.