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Original poster

Do I lose it all for sex?

136 replies

Cosyteacup · 16/11/2022 19:09

I have been married for 22 years - I’m 40 now - and for the last 8 years my marriage has been totally sexless.
Before that we had sex when we wanted to conceive but apart from that very very rarely.
I am not sure it has ever really been right if I’m honest.
Because it’s never really been that ‘sort’ of relationship I’m not sure we’d ever get back to it, I love DH but if I think about him in that way it makes me shudder. Hugging is ok but anything more is not. He tries sometimes but I am unable to reciprocate, I try to but it’s pretty clear I’m not into it. We’ve sort of spoken about it and he says he wants to have a ‘full’ relationship but I cannot realistically see me getting to that place where I can have sex with him unless I really really force myself.
However I am ‘only’ 40. He is older at 52.
I am finding it hard, and actually for some reason it’s getting more difficult as im getting older. I guess when the kids were small I was so caught up in that but now they are older I feel more like a person in my own right and im finding it depressing to think that I will never have sex again.
On the other hand it seems crazy to break up my family over sex, and my mum says loads of people just don’t have sex and that’s how life is.
I suppose I feel like essentially I’ve not had a sex life really for at least 15 years.
Im not sure where to go from here.

OP posts:
BCBird · 16/11/2022 19:13

Have u thought about why you don't want to hsve sex with your husband? I hope you can both find a way forward.

MolliciousIntent · 16/11/2022 19:15

Have you ever enjoyed sex?

Bathtubbathing · 16/11/2022 19:16

Have you thought about going to a sex counsellor together?

Original poster
Cosyteacup · 16/11/2022 19:18

I’m not attracted to him and I’m not sure I ever have been.
I was very young when we met and flattered and I liked him and thought that was enough.
There have been a number of issues in our marriage which have served to distance us and so I think that hasn’t helped. I’ve not felt emotionally close for a long time so it’s hard to feel physically close.

OP posts:
napody · 16/11/2022 19:18

You married when you were 18 and he 30? Barely an adult. It wasn't right of him to do that. You could have waited and found someone you really fancied.

OldFan · 16/11/2022 19:22

Have you ever enjoyed sex?

It's clear OP has been into the idea of sex in general as she (understandably) is thinking she wants it in her life.

@Cosyteacup I understand what you mean, in my 40s I've begun to be more aware of how short life (and the 'working' sex life of a man) is, and consider sex to be important in theory (I like penetrative sex so it's not something most men can do reliably forever.)

I also had an older partner who I stopped finding attractive, and realized how lacking the sex was. I'm single now and I think it's an improvement on unsatisfying sex with someone who didn't light my candle.

pancakes222 · 16/11/2022 19:26

In a similar situation. My DH says he loves me so much he would prefer to be with me and in a sexless relationship than he without me just to have sex. In an ideal world I would love to have a physical relationship but as you say I don't want to break up a family just for sex..... I have however asked him for a vibrator for Christmas!! 😂

CallmeCath · 16/11/2022 20:27

"Do i l lose all for sex?".

No, you leave you will lose nothing. You l leave, you will find a happy and sexually fulfilling new relationship .

HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 16/11/2022 20:28

@Cosyteacup I agree with PP this is a bit gross. Is there a backstory? Was he your first bf?

category12 · 16/11/2022 20:34

Are you attracted to other men or women sexually? Do you have sexual urges on your own?

What are the issues that distanced you? Maybe they're not get-overable for good reason? It doesn't sound like sex is the only missing component in the relationship.

You only get one life, OP - don't spend it sticking out a marriage that doesn't meet your needs.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/11/2022 20:57

I am really shocked that a) your mum let you get married to a 39 year old at 18 and b) she is telling you to accept a sex-free life now

PermanentTemporary · 16/11/2022 21:02

This sounds a bit hopeless tbh. I feel sorry for both of you. With 22 years together I do have sympathy for him thinking you must love him, even though I'd find it unimaginable at the age of 30 even to have a fling with an 18 year old, never mind marry them.

I do wonder if you ever found and owned your own sexuality. I'd suggest you have very serious marriage counselling and tbh I'd hope it would help you separate amicably.

category12 · 16/11/2022 21:09

I'd be curious to know what sort of relationships your mum has had and what she's like as a mum, generally.

She doesn't sound like she's got your best interests at heart, to me.

Original poster
Cosyteacup · 16/11/2022 21:11

He was 30 to my 18.
My mum says my children are more important than wanting to have sex.
And there’s no saying I’d ever meet anyone else anyway and if I did I’d not want to blend families or anything. I’m thinking I’d just be on my own.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/11/2022 21:16

It sounds like being on your own appeals to you.

Your mum sounds quite domineering. Is your husband similar?

EarringsandLipstick · 16/11/2022 21:19

You need to end it. It's not a marriage & never has been truly. It is shocking no-one stopped you marrying a 30 year old man at 18 - indeed marrying anyone at 18.

I get it - I made similar choices (to marry someone unsuitable because I felt no-one else would want me) & my marriage was abusive, ultimately.

It nearly broke me, and when it ended sex was the last thing I thought of.

I haven't had a relationship since, my kids were very small & I've no support so I work (hard) & look after them.

But ... I still hope to have a relationship & sex life again; and just the prospect that I could have that is a million times better than being in an awful marriage with someone I didn't want to have sex with & couldn't love.

BigFatLiar · 16/11/2022 21:19

CallmeCath · 16/11/2022 20:27

"Do i l lose all for sex?".

No, you leave you will lose nothing. You l leave, you will find a happy and sexually fulfilling new relationship .

You just need to read the posts about dating to know how easy this is.

It would however mean divorce, sharing custody, possibly selling up to help set up two households. Do you actually love him? How would your relationship progress?

Could you both seek some help to get your marriage back on track.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/11/2022 21:20

Could you both seek some help to get your marriage back on track.

Sorry what?

It's never been on track!

C1N1C · 16/11/2022 21:20

@pancakes222
I had to do a double-take there. You literally used my exact words that I've said to my wife.

Kikidouloveme · 16/11/2022 21:27

By lose it all do you mean cheat or do you mean divorce?

Instead of straight up separating or going behind his back which would hurt his feelings, give him the option to first consider that you both open up the relationship if there are aspects of your lives that are good apart from the sex. I would be gentle in explaining that your feelings are more like a friend or a brother to him and lost the sexual spark than tell him you were never into him. Just too hurtful and unnecessary.
If he is against opening it up, then it's down to you whether you:
a. live without sex and stay as you two are now forever
b. try and work on the sex and attraction with him
c. cheat and wait for it to blow up, your children will take sides and you'll be the bad guy in the eyes of friends and family despite everything
d. separate and take on a FWB

RandomMusings7 · 16/11/2022 21:38

OP you were still a child when you married a 30 year old. How long had you been together? Sounds like he groomed you. The imbalance between these ages is huge and as a consequence it's likely you didn't have space and time to grow into yourself as an adult, to explore what you wanted out of like and who you were.
He molded you into what he needed and you've never known anything else.

I'm going to venture a guess that this turnoil is about much more than lack of sex.

I think leaving the marriage would not only give you a chance to find the type of romantic and intimate connection that you crave, but it would also allow you a freedom to reinvent yourself and explore who you are as a woman and as an individual, not just as wife/mother.

EarringsandLipstick · 16/11/2022 21:44

RandomMusings7 · 16/11/2022 21:38

OP you were still a child when you married a 30 year old. How long had you been together? Sounds like he groomed you. The imbalance between these ages is huge and as a consequence it's likely you didn't have space and time to grow into yourself as an adult, to explore what you wanted out of like and who you were.
He molded you into what he needed and you've never known anything else.

I'm going to venture a guess that this turnoil is about much more than lack of sex.

I think leaving the marriage would not only give you a chance to find the type of romantic and intimate connection that you crave, but it would also allow you a freedom to reinvent yourself and explore who you are as a woman and as an individual, not just as wife/mother.

Excellent post

Agapornis · 16/11/2022 21:59

Your mum is wrong. Did you marry him to escape her?
My own mum, who is probably around your mum's age, married and divorced her first husband for lack of sex. My sister split up with a fiance for the same reason. Lack of sex is a perfectly valid reason to end a relationship.

LBFseBrom · 16/11/2022 22:07

Cosyteacup · Today 21:11
He was 30 to my 18.
My mum says my children are more important than wanting to have sex.
And there’s no saying I’d ever meet anyone else anyway and if I did I’d not want to blend families or anything. I’m thinking I’d just be on my own.

Age wise you were not dissimilar to King Charles lll and his first wife.

It was not uncommon years ago for a girl to marry an older man, sometimes it worked and sometimes not.

I've known women who broke up for a while because of dissatisfaction in their sex life though usually didn't admit it and said it was for other reasons. They then had an adventure with a couple of other men (& a couple of one night stands), which, though the sex was great, ended in heartbreak which took ages to get over. When a woman separates from a long term partner she is like a magnet, men crawl out of the woodwork all over the place.

These women came to the conclusion that the grass may seem greener on the other side but is rarely so. After getting back with husband they settled down and were quite content.

Yes there is more to a relationship than wonderful sex and more than one way of expressing affection.

Dontbelieveawordofit · 16/11/2022 22:29

OP what exactly do you think you will lose? You don't give much information about what the rest of your relationship is like (and that's your right) but even if life is perfect in every other way, you've said yourself you feel sad about the thought of maybe never having sex again so could you really carry on 'settling' for ever? And DH has expressed a wish to have a 'full' relationship. If you stay in the marriage, it's likely that one of you will seek that satisfaction elsewhere and everything you don't want to lose now, on your own terms, might be lost anyway but amongst infidelity, resentment, bitterness, acrimonious divorce.
I think it's time to make the break and free you both up to pursue the futures you really want. Your children will be just as happy having two loving homes with two happy parents, better than a home together with simmering under tensions and constant unhappiness, which they will eventually pick up on, if they haven't already