Do I lose it all for sex?

[Cosyteacup]

I have been married for 22 years - I’m 40 now - and for the last 8 years my marriage has been totally sexless.
Before that we had sex when we wanted to conceive but apart from that very very rarely.
I am not sure it has ever really been right if I’m honest.
Because it’s never really been that ‘sort’ of relationship I’m not sure we’d ever get back to it, I love DH but if I think about him in that way it makes me shudder. Hugging is ok but anything more is not. He tries sometimes but I am unable to reciprocate, I try to but it’s pretty clear I’m not into it. We’ve sort of spoken about it and he says he wants to have a ‘full’ relationship but I cannot realistically see me getting to that place where I can have sex with him unless I really really force myself.
However I am ‘only’ 40. He is older at 52.
I am finding it hard, and actually for some reason it’s getting more difficult as im getting older. I guess when the kids were small I was so caught up in that but now they are older I feel more like a person in my own right and im finding it depressing to think that I will never have sex again.
On the other hand it seems crazy to break up my family over sex, and my mum says loads of people just don’t have sex and that’s how life is.
I suppose I feel like essentially I’ve not had a sex life really for at least 15 years.
Im not sure where to go from here.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

A 30 year old man preyed on a teenager, and she was carried away with it for reasons only a psychologist and the OP will get at. Escape? To feel loved? To have a male figure in her life? For attention? Who knows.

You can carve out a new path, OP. One that is fulfilling. There will be some difficulties, sharing children and finances to name but two, but you can make your life happier.

And I'm sorry @LBFseBrom, that's a strange post. Not sure why, but it kinda freaked me out

Perhaps discuss opening up your relationship? Would that be feasible?

Shag someone else without him knowing?

You were 18 when you got married, so how old were you when you met? This really sounds like a man in his 30’s essentially stole your youth and now you’re waking up and realising there’s more to life than this person.

I feel really sad for you, but also hopeful that you seize this opportunity and go forth and live your life. Your mother is apparently someone who was fine with her teenaged daughter being taken advantage of by a 30 year old man. Please ignore her.

Age wise you were not dissimilar to King Charles lll and his first wife.

And that went so well, did it? Excellent role models? What point do you think you’re even making?

It was not uncommon years ago for a girl to marry an older man, sometimes it worked and sometimes not.

Lots of things were not uncommon years ago, including domestic abuse and legal marital rape. That doesn’t make these things desirable.

Also, please note that 22 years ago was 2000. Hardly times of yore. This man was a predator.

I've known women who broke up for a while because of dissatisfaction in their sex life though usually didn't admit it and said it was for other reasons. They then had an adventure with a couple of other men (& a couple of one night stands), which, though the sex was great, ended in heartbreak which took ages to get over. When a woman separates from a long term partner she is like a magnet, men crawl out of the woodwork all over the place.

These women came to the conclusion that the grass may seem greener on the other side but is rarely so. After getting back with husband they settled down and were quite content.

You know multiple women who have been in this precise situation, who have also provided you with extremely detailed and in depth information on their sex lives and they all ended up getting back with their husbands and being ‘quite content’? How very curious.

What a truly bizarre post.

With good reason!

I’m worried I would be sacrificing my children’s security and well-being.
I am risking them for something that is very selfish. The least selfish thing to do would be to acquiesce and have sex with my husband but it would come at such a cost to me. Or we just both live in a sexless marriage, which DH also says he doesn’t want.
We met when I was 17 and were married just over a year later.

How old are your DC? And in what way would you be sacrificing their security, specifically?

Why do you think that you are required to sacrifice your happiness for the greater good? You can still be an excellent loving mother and your DH can still be a (decent, hopefully?) father if you’re not together. You’re not a martyr. You’ve got circa 40 years of life ahead of you and you’re genuinely contemplating just being miserable for all of it?

How did you meet your DH, out of interest?

You have The Ick for your husband.

Are you willing to talk about why? You mention things that have caused distance in your marriage.

Please don't have sex you don't want - it's bad for your mental health and wellbeing. What is bad for your mental health and wellbeing is also bad for your children.

And any half decent man wouldn't want sex with someone who doesn't want it.

And any decent mother wouldn't want her daughter to put herself through it.

its not about you being selfish, it's also about knowing that when you're happy, so will your DC.
would you give your children, male or female, the same advice your mum has given you? In 10, 20 years time when one of them comes to you and asks should they stay in an unsatisfactory and unhappy marriage, will you tell them 'you've made your bed so lie in it'? I would certainly hope not.
And please, did you really use the word acquiesce? Is this something you'd advise anyone to do, never mind your future adult DC? To have sexual relationships with someone to maintain security and wellbeing? Security and wellbeing that can also be achieved with two parents living apart? It's not a martyrdom and nobody (except your mum!) Expects or wants you to be one, least of all your children.
Set them a good example, let them know that they never have to settle or suffer an unhappy relationship. You can be single, independent and happy and trust yourself (and hopefully your husband) that you'll both work just as hard to maintain the security and wellbeing they enjoy now.

Having sex you don't want with someone who knows that is too revolting for words. Don't do that. You could see a sex therapist in case there's something there but I suspect that ship sailed a decade or two ago.

The fact that you were with a 30 yo man at 17 does rather suggest it was never healthy and planning to break up in the least traumatic way possible would be good. You've got decades left to have a good life.

Do you feel desire for other people? Do you have urges by yourself?
I've been in a relationship where the thought of him like that made me cringe. I used to have to have at least 2 BIG glasses of wine to have sex and the sight of him undressed I actually found repellent. As someone who left - a good deal in part due to this tbh - and found a lovely, wonderful man I absolutely fancy the arse off, don't shortchange yourself. Yes, sex isn't everything, but that physical connection with someone you not only love, but also want is incredible and worth it.

My mum says my children are more important than wanting to have sex.

Your mother thought it was fine for her 18 year old daughter to marry a 30 year old man! Her judgement is disastrously flawed. You can and should ignore any advice from her.

Where's your dad?

Not always a given.

Yep also grossed out by the age gap, no wonder you have the ick.

You were groomed and taken advantage of by a much older man, and shockingly, your own mother seems to have approved of it.

You've got one life, op, and so much of it has already been wasted on this man. Ignore your fool of a mother and go find real happiness.

How do you feel about your husband having sex with someone else?

8 years!

you don’t sound happy. Sex is important in a loving relationship and it’s pleasurable (with the right person) you deserve that if that’s what you want. Be brave and take the steps to make yourself happy.

Imagine being at the end of your life and looking back. Would you be happy that you stayed for the kids etc, or would you see it as wasted life and wish you had separated ?

Im amazed that you've lasted 22 yearse. Your marriage doesn't seem to have ever been based on love, instead some weird sense of duty to this man who flattered a teenage you when he was 30. You're not throwing anything away from your description of the marriage and have little of anything meaningful to lose. I think you already know this.

I have never really held with the theory that the children just want their parents to be happy.
In the absence of abuse / fighting I think they much prefer their parents to stay together and I am certain it’s what my children would want. I don’t think they care if I’m happy.

It leaves me with either - leave, have sex I don’t want (and would probably have to be drunk for, as someone up thread suggested) or live in a sexless marriage indefinitely - which DH would also have to be ok with. I think he would be as it’s been 8 years already, despite him saying he wants a ‘full’ relationship. I think it would just drag on as it is and we’d not really talk about it. It’s pretty weird to think about having sex with someone you’ve lived with but not slept with for 8 years. Prior to that we’d gone several years at times I suppose but wanting dc sort of pushed us into it.
I met him in a bar - I was underage and shouldn’t have been there, but I told him how old I was when we met.

Was this an arranged marriage?

You deserve to be happy too and you clearly are not.

I think your mental well-being will suffer if you continue with this marriage.

There have been a number of issues in our marriage which have served to distance us and so I think that hasn’t helped. I’ve not felt emotionally close for a long time so it’s hard to feel physically close.

Can you elaborate on this part, @Cosyteacup? It could be pretty relevant