Do I lose it all for sex?

[Cosyteacup]

I have been married for 22 years - I’m 40 now - and for the last 8 years my marriage has been totally sexless.
Before that we had sex when we wanted to conceive but apart from that very very rarely.
I am not sure it has ever really been right if I’m honest.
Because it’s never really been that ‘sort’ of relationship I’m not sure we’d ever get back to it, I love DH but if I think about him in that way it makes me shudder. Hugging is ok but anything more is not. He tries sometimes but I am unable to reciprocate, I try to but it’s pretty clear I’m not into it. We’ve sort of spoken about it and he says he wants to have a ‘full’ relationship but I cannot realistically see me getting to that place where I can have sex with him unless I really really force myself.
However I am ‘only’ 40. He is older at 52.
I am finding it hard, and actually for some reason it’s getting more difficult as im getting older. I guess when the kids were small I was so caught up in that but now they are older I feel more like a person in my own right and im finding it depressing to think that I will never have sex again.
On the other hand it seems crazy to break up my family over sex, and my mum says loads of people just don’t have sex and that’s how life is.
I suppose I feel like essentially I’ve not had a sex life really for at least 15 years.
Im not sure where to go from here.

You need to do the Freedom Program with womens aid. It will help you assess what is going on

Please do. You can do it online, too.

The more I read, the more convinced I am that you really need some outside neutral help to help you orientate yourself op. Therapy would be invaluable, but the freedom programme as suggested would be a really good idea. Women's Aid would help you too. I think that working on your self esteem is vital. There are some really helpful books:

The Self-Esteem Workbook, 2nd Edition amzn.eu/d/2RUG1S8

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive amzn.eu/d/2oRtXs9

The woman who write the second book, Kristen Neff does some great podcasts too.

I think it is very worthwhile for you to get in touch with yourself a bit more. Your body is squealing for you to pay attention. It is clearly saying what you are not wanting to get into in your mind. I also wonder about how significance of your children aging at what it means to have a DC almost the same age as you when this relationship started. That is well worth exploring in therapy. As is your relationship with your mother. I also think the fact that you were looking for any port in a storm is hugely significant. It will be worth taking a look at this too.

I agree with what @Snugglemonkey says. But to start you off there's a thread on here right now about how to raise girls.

Have a read and see what you SHOILD have experienced as a child. You didn't get a mum who did a really good job so you'll have to work to be your own cheerleader.

Not necessarily.

@girlfriend44 Not necessarily

Speak for yourself.

To be honest, I'd choose to be peaceful and in control of my life on my own, over being stuck with a man who gives me the Ick and gropes & slaps me.

If OP stays, she knows exactly what her life is going to be like until one of them dies.

If she splits up with him, she has the opportunity to find sex and love and fun with someone else. She also has the opportunity to grow and be free on her own. Better alone than badly accompanied.

But there's no reason to think she wouldn't find someone nice. Most people do go on to find new relationships after divorce.

🤮

I'm in an extremely similar situation to you, op, in the sense that we don't have sex and I physically recoil at DH.

My absolute priority is my children, but I cannot spend another 14 years looking at his face. We will have to divorce, it'll be awful and ugly and I will HATE spending time away from the kids but I don't see any other solution.

You're not alone

What @fdgdfgdfgdfg said. Sorry, but you're in a terrible marriage. If you save yourself by getting out of it you will be happier, there's no doubt about that.

OP this is so sad to read, you owe it to yourself and your children to pursue your own happiness. To show them and yourself what a life well lived looks like. This isn’t just about sex imo this is about honouring your own self worth.

No, you’re not alone.