Do I lose it all for sex?

[Cosyteacup]

I have been married for 22 years - I’m 40 now - and for the last 8 years my marriage has been totally sexless.
Before that we had sex when we wanted to conceive but apart from that very very rarely.
I am not sure it has ever really been right if I’m honest.
Because it’s never really been that ‘sort’ of relationship I’m not sure we’d ever get back to it, I love DH but if I think about him in that way it makes me shudder. Hugging is ok but anything more is not. He tries sometimes but I am unable to reciprocate, I try to but it’s pretty clear I’m not into it. We’ve sort of spoken about it and he says he wants to have a ‘full’ relationship but I cannot realistically see me getting to that place where I can have sex with him unless I really really force myself.
However I am ‘only’ 40. He is older at 52.
I am finding it hard, and actually for some reason it’s getting more difficult as im getting older. I guess when the kids were small I was so caught up in that but now they are older I feel more like a person in my own right and im finding it depressing to think that I will never have sex again.
On the other hand it seems crazy to break up my family over sex, and my mum says loads of people just don’t have sex and that’s how life is.
I suppose I feel like essentially I’ve not had a sex life really for at least 15 years.
Im not sure where to go from here.

IME, people who marry at 18 do it as an act of desperation to escape shitty home lives.

What was yours like?

How old are your kids?

I could cry for you, sweetheart. This is no way to live. If he were to have a 'full' relationship with you, it would make him a rapist. You don't want sex with him, cry at forcing yourself and are considering getting drunk to help you acquiesce. That's not consent.

Your DC are watching a dysfunctional relationship and learning that it's normal. Is that the kind of relationship you want for them?

Please speak to women's aid. You don't realise how dysfunctional this is, because you were groomed into it.

Yeah this

Have you worked, OP?

What 'all' would you be losing?

I think you'd be surprised how much easier life is, without the burden of feeling like you're letting your husband down in some way.

Absolutely this.

Wouldn't it break your heart to see your kids replicating this unhealthy dynamic when they are in relationships as teens / adults?

Because that's what you're training them to do.

And to be perfectly honest, decent men of 30 don't date, shag and marry girls who are 17/18 years old. They just don't. It's predatory.

Part of your body being repulsed by him is probably that as you've reached and now gone past the age he was when he met you, you've realised how wrong he was to do so.

Can you imagine at 30 having shagged / married a 17/18 year old bloke? It probably makes your skin crawl to think of how inappropriate that would feel. Which is normal.

He was a predator and he's still behaving like one. As if slapping your arse is the way to increase your desire for him. Bleurgh.

He sounds horrible and your life could begin afresh if you left him. This isn't about the sex. It's about the dynamic. The whole dynamic is unhealthy and unhappy at its core.

He groomed you to become the wife he wanted. You don't want to be that wife any more.

Don't continue to expose your kids to this dynamic and set them up to repeat the cycle.

@Cosyteacup This is me also, unfortunately. Married 14 years, now 45, dh 54, sexless for 12 years. 2 kids conceived from pretty much 2 goes. I got to the point where I assumed no married couples had sex, and that was just life. Then I went to a counsellor and she said to me "you're not in a relationship. Sex is the one thing that makes a relationship different from a friendship. And yes you can leave for sex." It was like a lightbulb moment and I finally felt relieved that I wasn't the selfish ungrateful cow I thought I was. It's not just sex though is it, it's love. I don't have love and neither do you. I'm desperate just to look forward to going home, to having a cuddle on the sofa, to having passion in my life. He's away for a week at the moment, and it's like a holiday for me. The kids too seem so different, more relaxed, and we're having fun. I'm dreading him coming back. All I want is a normal healthy adult life, and you deserve that too. Your kids want a happy mum

Fast forward the years....if this were your children, what would you advise them? Would you want them sucking up this kind of life? Of course you wouldn't. They're learning about relationships from you.

OP - you need to split. Your mum is wrong... you don't need to stay for the sake of the children.

My parents stayed together in a toxic relationship for years. It made my childhood miserable and has had long-lasting effects into my adulthood.

Children don't want you to stay together just 'because'. I used to pray for my parents to split up!

I also cared very much for my dads happiness. My mum treated him appallingly throughout their marriage. We all breathed a sigh of relief when she finally ran off with another man.

Watching my dad bloom without her and go on to be happily remarried was wonderful. He deserved it. And so do you.

Your mum is wrong, very wrong. How old are your children? It sounds utterly soul destroying and, yes, it won't be easy for any of you in the short term, but your children's lives, happiness, well-being etc etc will NOT be harmed by you ending a miserable marriage. If they are old enough, they can hear enough of the truth to know that their mother needs to escape this sham of a marriage for her sanity.

But you need to leave him. He deserves to be happy, you deserve to be happy. Neither of you currently are, so what on earth is to be gained by prolonging it?

I was in a similar situation. I eventually left. The DC kinda saw it coming but were still shocked. However, once they realised some truths about the marriage they said, and still do, that we are both better off apart and they have a good relationship with both of us.

Dc are nearly 8 and 14.
i think in some ways it would be easier if there were abuse / an affair etc because then it becomes an easier decision whereas as it stands it feels like it’s not quite bad enough to do anything about.

It sounds like this relationship exists mainly to serve other people: your husband, your mother, your children.

I find it really offputting that a man who was 30 met you when you were 17 and married you when you were 18. It's not that such a big age gap can never work but that you were still a child when you met, and barely out of childhood at the time of the marriage. I think it can creates a strange power dynamic when there is such a big gap in age and maturity.

I'm also bothered by your mother's response to this whole situation. Has she always had this attitude to you?

One could argue a grown man seducing a 17 year old is abusive in itself...

Do you think your 14 year old DC will be an adult in three years? Mature enough for a 30 year old to date and have sex with? What would your thoughts be on the sort of 30 year old who would date them?

I know this is a rather unpleasant train of thought, but you see where I’m going with it.

Awful isn't it? It's at very best predatory. Decent men of 30 simply don't do this in my opinion.

i think in some ways it would be easier if there were abuse / an affair etc

It sounds like your relationships have always been abusive. A dysfunctional mother handed you over to a predatory man at age 17.

I think therapy might be very helpful for you, OP. Nothing you have described is healthy or normal, and it would be good for you to have trustworthy professional support to deal with that.

Dc are nearly 8 and 14.

I wonder if this is part of the reason you're increasingly uncomfortable him. You surely must look at your 14 year old, especially if they're a girl, and be disgusted that your now husband dated, had sex with and married someone just 3 years older than them?

Maybe the fog is lifting and you're seeing him for who he really is.

If your 14 year old introduces a 30 year old as their boyfriend / girlfriend in 3 years, how would you feel? How would your husband feel?

As I said upthread, he groomed a teenager to become the wife he wanted. You don't want to be that wife any more.

Don't continue to expose your kids to this dynamic and set them up to repeat the cycle.

Wouldn't it break your heart to see your kids replicating this unhealthy dynamic when they are in relationships as teens / adults?

The longer you stay, the more likely it is that will happen I'm afraid.

Isn't that 'bad enough' to break up?

Very difficult situation OP. The grass may not be greener on the other side… that said, only you know what you can tolerate. I left an unhappy situation. I’m now on my own with my 2 dc. Is it hard? Definitely. Do I regret leaving? No, it was the right thing to do.
I had only experienced sex with my ex who was my first boyfriend at 17. Things were never right in the bedroom dept but I had nothing to compare it to.
Since the split I’ve had sex with one man (a long term friends with benefits situation… can’t recommend this as it is a head fu£&) however, what it did show me was that I had definitely been missing out sexually.
It’s not for anyone else to tell you what to do OP, I hope you come to the decision that is right for you.

I think you’ve got a point there.. also people with really low self-esteem get bowled over by attention from someone and don’t know how to say no… or are scared of hurting someone’s feelings by breaking up with them. A bigger age gap/large power dynamic difference also makes this situation harder on the weaker person in the dynamic.

Is your 14 year old a daughter by any chance? I think this may have a lot to do with your eldest approaching the age you were when you got into this relationship.

You say can I give it all up over sex but it sounds like the cracks run deeper than that.

Should you leave because you aren't emotionally close and you're not sexually attracted to him? Honestly I think that's an acceptable reason.

Do you love him? Are you in love with him? If he admitted to an affair / wanted to go do you feel panic or relief?

Jesus OP you weren't even an adult when you met, you were 17 to his 29! This isn't your fault.

And of course most kids would pick "together" if it's harmonious and they don't know better. But would you want your Mom to have to get drunk in order for your Dad to use her body for sex? Would you want your Mom to have gone from 32 for possibly another sixty years without not just sex but kisses, physical comfort etc? Would you want your Mom to feel she trapped herself for you? And what happens once the kids hit their 20s and its just you pair? You'll be 50 and 62, it won't suddenly be easier to pull down the walls or move on.

Honestly this sounds like more than just a lack of sexual attraction. I'm married so I can't but I could imagine kissing a guy I liked personally not physically so long as he didn't have bad breath etc and it just bot being great. The making you want to cry speaks of a much deeper unhappiness

You say there is no abuse. But I think your body knows this is abusive. The crying at being kissed, the fists balling, I think your body is your friend here.

Marrying a vulnerable teenager when you're 30 is abusive. And groping an unwilling 40 yo is abusive. It's part of the same thing.

Also, your DC may be 'happier' with you together but think about the message. My DD sees DH and I kiss, express love, taking about when we met, and once in a while she cringes at the loving things we say. She is having a healthy relationship between people who love and fancy each other modeled to her. It informs her relationships. Would you want YOUR relationship for THEM? If that's a hard no, then you need to make changes.

And whatever you do, don't drink to facilitate his sexual abuse of you. That is a bad road.