Do I lose it all for sex?

[Cosyteacup]

I have been married for 22 years - I’m 40 now - and for the last 8 years my marriage has been totally sexless.
Before that we had sex when we wanted to conceive but apart from that very very rarely.
I am not sure it has ever really been right if I’m honest.
Because it’s never really been that ‘sort’ of relationship I’m not sure we’d ever get back to it, I love DH but if I think about him in that way it makes me shudder. Hugging is ok but anything more is not. He tries sometimes but I am unable to reciprocate, I try to but it’s pretty clear I’m not into it. We’ve sort of spoken about it and he says he wants to have a ‘full’ relationship but I cannot realistically see me getting to that place where I can have sex with him unless I really really force myself.
However I am ‘only’ 40. He is older at 52.
I am finding it hard, and actually for some reason it’s getting more difficult as im getting older. I guess when the kids were small I was so caught up in that but now they are older I feel more like a person in my own right and im finding it depressing to think that I will never have sex again.
On the other hand it seems crazy to break up my family over sex, and my mum says loads of people just don’t have sex and that’s how life is.
I suppose I feel like essentially I’ve not had a sex life really for at least 15 years.
Im not sure where to go from here.

@Cosyteacup is there more to this? It's such a strong feeling to be so repulsed and to recoil and not even kiss. Just sending you an un MN hug as it sounds pretty terrible.

42% UK marriages end in divorce. Many more are unhappy but stay together for financial or other reasons. 15% marriages are sexless. So the majority of romantic relationships have a shelf life. It’s normal. No need to beat yourself up about it, question whether it was ever right etc. It might still have happened if you had met 10 years later or with a smaller age gap. It’s happened to me in 3 LTR that the spark died. It’s why I will never live with anyone again. Most children are fine if parents can be amicable and sensible. He may leave when dc are older to have a ‘full relationship’. It almost certainly will end the only question is when. Better for you to do it at 40 than he do it when you are 50. Given age gap better to do it before you are left living with a grumpy resentful old man with health issues. I can’t see the point of the blame game. It’s run it’s course like the majority of sexual relationships do. At 40 you could live another 50/60 years. Of course you shouldn’t settle for this being your only romantic experience. I’ve reached the point in my life where I think it’s more odd we perpetuate the myth of one lifelong perfect relationship rather than teaching our children they are likely to have several important relationships in their hopefully long lives and as long as they are kind, honest and fair and look after any kids that come along that’s normal and not some personal failing. Marriage for life was hard enough when life expectancy was 60-70 it’s even less realistic now life expectancy for our kids is 90 or 100. Of course there is mum guilt but what I discovered was the dc were fine as long as we weren’t arguing and after the initial announcement no one cared that much - everyone knows people who are divorced, your kids know kids whose parents are divorced - it’s not that big a deal and certainly not worth forcing yourself to have unwanted sex or living a lie out of duty for.

You need to get away from him

It is shocking no-one stopped you marrying a 30 year old man at 18 - indeed marrying anyone at 18.

Yeah your parents were irresponsible.

Your Mum is still .... Not a good advisor

Ops mums does seem like Poor advisor.

But at 18 who could have stopped Op getting married.

Ops husband met and groomed a child. The fault is entirely his.

Lemondrop, it wasn't at all uncommon for young girls of 18 or so to marry older chaps years ago, nobody thought there was anything creepy about it. It happened in all strata of society. Some of the marriages were very successful.

I'm older than OP and it was really creepy when I was 17.

They got married in 2000, not in the 60s! I was in my teens when they got married and it was absolutely still viewed as predatory for 30 year old bloke to date / shag / marry a 17 year old. Reactions amongst everyone I knew would have been cringe at best, disgusted at worst. More often the latter.

It's funny, because it's only something I've been aware of as a parent. If my 18 year old daughter had a 30 year old boyfriend, I'd be horrified, but when I was 18 plenty of my friends dated older men and it didn't even cross my mind there was anything wrong with it. It was so....normal. (1990s)

A friend of 15 at my school got together with a 28 year old.

She’s now 40 and they are happily married still with 3 kids.

I wonder if people think OP is happily married. I bet some do.

And a 15 yo with a 28 yo is repulsive.

Back in 2000? I think not. Maybe in the 50s.

Also... just because they stayed together doesn't mean they were succesul marriages. More often than not the "succesful" marriage was simply an unhappy woman who couldn't separate due to finances/stigma/family pressure.

I wonder why you are so invested to defend a family model that involves exploiting young women for the benefit of pervy older men instead of letting them grow into independent human beings?

I know what you are saying and I would be very worried if my 15 year started seeing a 28 year old. But if you met this couple, they are incredibly happy! They met at a church too!

No happy marriage starts with statutory rape...

There was a female teacher in the US who slept with her 13 year old student and had his baby while in jail. They married when she was released and they stayed together and had more children.

Would you also describe that couple as happily married?

They met at a church too!

I am zero % surprised actually. The church has been predatory to children in more than one way.

Very young to get married at 18, there are a lot of changes you go through, was he your first boyfriend?

I don’t know when they slept together - being religious probably after they got married which was a number of years later: look, I get it - it’s mumsnet, we are keyboard warriors and can judge everyone in sight. Maybe just accept that not every situation is so clear cut and has to meet your exacting standards? This is actually a friend of mine in real life and they have always seemed very happy and in love. Obviously, no one ever fully knows what goes on in another couple’s situation behind closed doors.

And anyone, back to the OP. This is her life and she needs to do what is right for her. I’m not just all this judgement is helpful.

No mentally and emotionally healthy man of almost 30 dates a 15 year old girl. There are no shades of grey around adults dating children.

Your friend was groomed by a much older man as a teenager and is still with him, now. The fact that they’ve been together 25 years is utterly meaningless - as demonstrated by the fact that OP has been with her groomer for 22 years and is miserable.

All of this.

LBFseBrom · Today 15:30
"Lemondrop, it wasn't at all uncommon for young girls of 18 or so to marry older chaps years ago, nobody thought there was anything creepy about it. It happened in all strata of society. Some of the marriages were very successful."

What? OP is quite a bit younger than me and it wasn't common when I was 18. It wasn't unheard of, but it def wasn't common and it was not thought to be well-advised. Based on her timeline, she got married in the late 90s! It's not like she got married in legendary bad old days when women were expected to find a nice man to be submissive to and lay back and think of England. Something went wrong here for a healthy young woman just barely out of childhood to think her best and most appropriate option was a man 12 years her senior to whom she wasn't even attracted.

My mother insinuated - although did not come right out and say - that I should be grateful anyone wanted to marry me.
Maybe part of it is that I can see my worth a bit more now, I no longer think I’m totally stupid and ugly. I mean I don’t think I’m attractive and clever either, but I can see I may have met someone else and someone else might have wanted to be with me at some point.

The fact they are happy now (or at least seen to be) doesn't make her husband any less predatory for dating and shagging a child though.

I wonder what he'd say if one of their three kids introduces a 28 year old as their boyfriend / girlfriend when they're 15.

Pretty his reaction would have the hypocrite alarm blaring.

We can't tell if you're gorgeous through a screen but we can tell that you're intelligent. There is no doubt in my mind. Chances are if you didn't know if you were clever and you are, the same is true of how attractive you are.

You've just had terrible messages from your mother. And I'm really sorry about that.

Yeah, your mother is sounding like a big part of the reason you were vulnerable to being groomed by an older man. Can you imagine saying to your own DC that they are ugly and stupid and should be grateful for what they get, even if they're miserable? Or would you tell them they are wonderful and precious and you want them to be with someone who treats them well and makes them happy?

Could you scrape the money for some therapy? I think it could help you a lot.

And I’m sure if you went and asked every single woman in the world who had been married off to an old man when she was 11 or 12, you would find some who would say they were happy. Does that make it ok? Would it make the man any less of a predator?