Do I lose it all for sex?

[Cosyteacup]

I have been married for 22 years - I’m 40 now - and for the last 8 years my marriage has been totally sexless.
Before that we had sex when we wanted to conceive but apart from that very very rarely.
I am not sure it has ever really been right if I’m honest.
Because it’s never really been that ‘sort’ of relationship I’m not sure we’d ever get back to it, I love DH but if I think about him in that way it makes me shudder. Hugging is ok but anything more is not. He tries sometimes but I am unable to reciprocate, I try to but it’s pretty clear I’m not into it. We’ve sort of spoken about it and he says he wants to have a ‘full’ relationship but I cannot realistically see me getting to that place where I can have sex with him unless I really really force myself.
However I am ‘only’ 40. He is older at 52.
I am finding it hard, and actually for some reason it’s getting more difficult as im getting older. I guess when the kids were small I was so caught up in that but now they are older I feel more like a person in my own right and im finding it depressing to think that I will never have sex again.
On the other hand it seems crazy to break up my family over sex, and my mum says loads of people just don’t have sex and that’s how life is.
I suppose I feel like essentially I’ve not had a sex life really for at least 15 years.
Im not sure where to go from here.

Have you discussed an open marriage?

You deserve to date and feel attraction as does he.

I don’t think an open marriage would work - I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t be ok with that. I’ve sort of suggested it before and he said he won’t share me.
It wasn’t an arranged marriage but I was vulnerable at the time and looking for a port in the storm.

I think most of it is my fault, I was never as into him as k should have been.

I had that scenario. Painful as can be. Damages so much. I left after 20 years of it, angry, despairing, bitter, so unhappy. We are now mega friends as the parting was after the initial horror, so much easier as really we had been friends for years. Luckily the menopause has left me with zero sexual desire, so I'm happy single. But still mourn my lost sex life. Our DC are much happier now as both he and I are happier now. (I also tried playing around, which just added misery upon misery, I would not recommend it.). It's a really lonely painful life you have atm. I'm sorry

You were a literal child - how could it have been your fault?

He had been functioning as an adult for a decade at this point. He was the one with life experience, probably previous relationships under his belt. He was the one with a fully mature brain (takes until 25).

If anything HE should have recognised the signs that you weren't attracted to him. And definiteky should have known an 18 year old has no business making any type of lifelong commitment. And to someone they knew for less than a year no less!

Men like him are predatory controlling weirdos.

@Cosyteacup it's not just sex though is it ? It's intimacy and feeling loved and desired and safe .

I don't think it was your fault! You were so young! You had so little idea of what is involved in a loving relationship that works for both people and doubtless very willing to believe a 30-year-old who told you this was love. Which, if he'd actually understood loving equitable relationships himself, he would not have thought he could have with a barely out of childhood 18-year-old.

In my view, anyway.

You don't have to go off and have sex with anyone if you don't want to. You could just live your life, be a mum, make friends. Not having sex but having a single life that's satisfying is much better than being in an unhappy marriage. Believe me.

Having said that, I don't see why you'd have to be drunk to have sex in the future. Unless you're so traumatised by your appalling mother and by having had years of sex with someone you don't fancy. I do think you need healing time.

No - I mean I’d have to be drunk to have sex with him.
If even kissing him makes me cry, which it does, I can’t see any other way?

It's so depressing to think you have lived your entire adult life with a man you don't feel attracted to. I'd leave now whilst you're still a youngish woman and have a chance at meeting a man you feel passionately about.

As for your mother...it's not her life. Take control of your own life

Can you break down what it is that makes you not want to have sex with him? Is it his appearance, his technique, his personality?

Omg no i don't think you can stay with someone you cant kiss, I really don't.

It’s just I don’t feel that way about him.
It’s like kissing my dad.
I love him and care about him and hugging is fine but kissing or thinking of anything more than that makes me physically recoil. I try and override it but I make calculated decisions on what I can make myself do and I have to take myself somewhere else in my head. If I’m present it makes me cry.

It’s over. You need to separate.
I got the ick a while ago too, and there’s no coming back from it. I just can’t make the move yet.

Sometimes he will grope me as he walks past me, or slap me on the arse and my hands ball into fists instantly. I really have to fight the urge to shout at him to get off me.

Don't fight that urge. Your anger is legitimate. Your body is yours, it's not his toy to fondle at a whim.

You should absolutely shout when you've told him not to do it and he won't respect that boundary.

Do you have any opinions of your own? How do you feel, what do you want. Never mind your mother.

OP, would you be able to afford some sessions with a therapist? There is a lot going on here.

I think most of it is my fault, I was never as into him as k should have been.

It's not your fault. You were vulnerable, you were groomed.

Just because you find yourself where you are doesn't mean you have to stay there. You have so much life potential ahead of you.

Quite honestly, no sex would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm not that highly-driven, I can easily a week or two without but it's majorly important to me in a relationship - from an intimacy point of view and also my DH makes me feel good about myself! It's also the difference between being friends or lovers. You can be both at the same time, but I don't want to just be friends, which without the sex and intimacy part of the relationship, you are, at best.

But my DH is my second husband, and I got to where you are. We also had an age gap. Once the attraction has gone I think it's hard, if not impossible to get it back. I still cared for him but that was as far as it went.

Life is too short, you're still young.

Please do not even consider having sex with him, drunk or not. I think it would be a really good idea for you to see a therapist. Someone who deals with sex and relationships. You could go on your own and think things through, perhaps even work on your connection with your sexual self first and foremost. If you go to the COSRT website, you will find therapists who are properly qualified in this area and held to professional standards.

People who try and make themselves have sex very often end up creating further issues inadvertently, like finding themselves unable to relax and sex becoming very painful, even impossible. It is never a good idea to have sex you don't want.

It's no wonder you're repulsed by the idea of sex with him. It's not sexy to be touched non-consensually.

I feel like there's more going on in your relationship than just the lack of sex.

You can't only look at sex in isolation- you're repulsed for a reason (or many reasons). It is likely about the way he treats you or your history together.

Forcing yourself to have sex with him will just make that worse.

Its not about sex

You've made it clear you have no emotional connection as well as no physical one. There is no intimacy.

You won't be leaving him because of a lack of sex. You'd be leaving him because you actually don't have a relationship AT ALL. What you have is so unhealthy. And yes, it truly does boil down to you being a child when you married him. You never had the chance to discover yourself.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships? And about life? Have a good think about that. Because it'll be enlightening. Lead by example.

You sound like a lovely person. You should leave. You deserve better. I hate telling people to leave. But there is zero left to salvage from what you describe

Leave! If you won't prioritise your own wellbeing, then do it for your children. You are teaching them that this is what a healthy, happy, loving relationship looks and feels like. This is their normal, and they will go on to seek it out and recreate it in their own lives. That's crappy parenting. Not said to make you feel bad, but to cut through the 'staying together is best for the kids' bollocks.

You say you don't think the kids would be happier if you separated. I would have been.

My parents were not happy together, they didn't argue much, and probably thought they were hiding their unhappiness, but there was this constant low lying tension in the air. Me and my brother knew, and we knew before we were 10 years old.

They did eventually divorce, when me and brother were adults. However my mum died at 55, and I do feel a lot of guilt that she spent more than a quarter of her life miserable, supposedly for my sake.

I've been with my partner 16 years. We have kids together, but we're not married, each for our own reasons. But in my case it's because what was modelled to me as marriage growing up was all kinds of crap.

Your relationship doesn't work, it started for the wrong reasons, and has completely the wrong power dynamic, which has unsurprisingly given you the ick.

End it. It'll be fairer to you, fairer to your husband, and fairer and healthier for your kids.

How old are the kids?

I am pretty sure they will or start to pick up on how unhappy you are

Sounds utterly miserable. You havent got a marriege, you have a friendship and you dont need to share a home to remain friends and remain a happy family with your children

You are 40, you are possibly only half way through your life. You could have a partner and a fullfilling physical relationship for decades to come. If you dont fancy your partner then either ask him to change or you make a change.