Is my husband a functioning alcoholic?

[Scottishbluee]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill (not directly due to alcohol but it’s definitely a contributor) and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less. He also did not tell the gp how much he drinks and said “no one tells the truth”

aside from all this he is a good father, always helps out, even in the middle of the night and is actively involved. It’s just on a late afternoon evening I sit there thinking why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see?

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

Yes, he is.
My advice would be to tell him that you won't stick around unless he starts taking this seriously. And you need to mean it.
Addiction is a difficult road but it's very difficult on loved ones too, and it sounds like it's taking a real toll on your relationship.
Good luck x

He's definitely dependent on alcohol. The thing with functioning alcoholics is that they tend to end up being not functioning alcoholics, unless they have the insight to realise that they need to stop.

Right now your husband is what is called 'dry drunk' - not drinking, but also not doing anything to address the reasons why he feels he needs to drink to such excess. That is why he's surly and grumpy and going to bed stupid early - though withdrawal may also be related to that.

Chances are he is going to start drinking again and you'll be back to square one in no time - I speak as the widow of an alcoholic here. You also need to know one key thing: you are powerless to make him change. All you can change is how you respond to his drinking and the only people you can protect are yourself and your DC.

Please seek some support for yourself. Your main options are Al-Anon and SMART Friends & Family - the latter doesn't have the 'higher power' at its centre. You can find both online. The main thing you need to decide is what you want your future to be, and more importantly what you want your DC's future to be. Take your time, get support and give it thought. GOod luck.

Alcoholic’s daughter here.
Yes, your DP is an alcoholic. He’s going through withdrawal at the moment hence grumpiness etc. He is in denial so won’t change anything.
Do you want it to be your life?

Yea he definitely is. It’s difficult because like a pp has said, unless he admits to himself he has a problem then getting him to change will be difficult. Perhaps see if you can get some strategies/support from an organisation like this:

www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/i-need-advice-for-someone-else/worried-about-someone-else-s-drinking

I agree he is. I think one of the markers of any addiction is not being able to enjoy an alternative. They just can’t conceptualise what people actually do instead of whatever addiction takes up their time. I speak with experience of a cigarette addiction (still vaping nicotine) in that my biggest barrier is not understanding what I’m meant to do instead. Intellectually I understand that I don’t need to do anything in particular but the addiction turns that into something unappealing instead of the neutral it should be.

it’s worth a chat with him but don’t expect him to suddenly have a revelation. You have no control over his actions and choices and you can’t replace his own willpower and motivation. This is the point you decide where your lines are. You’re not happy and if he’s not willing to change then you can either accept unhappiness or move on without him.

The 3cs of alcoholism are you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you or his child and it's never been with you. He is currently functioning, until he does not. Like many alcoholics he is in denial of his problem and that is a powerful force you're also up against.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Talking to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. I would seek support for yourself from Al-anon (this is primarily for those people affected by another loved one's drinking) and start planning your exit from this marriage. I am so sorry to write that but you can only help your own self ultimately as well as well as your child. You have a choice re this man, your son does not.

These types of relationships often go one way too - further downhill. Your son will notice all this and is already noticing your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to his dad.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you have completely removed yourself from him. You cannot fully protect yourself and your son fully from your H's alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof.

Thank you. I just worked out he drinks over 80 units a week on a “typical” week. I’d never really sat and calculated it before.

I think because he still goes to his job, gets up on a morning, helps out with our son I’ve definitely minimised it. He’s never aggressive or violent but he is routinely drunk by the time it’s our little boys bedtime. Then it’s another evening of watching tv while he chain drinks beer and falls asleep.

Yes he is. And agree with other posters these relationships only get harder.

Decide what your boundaries are and how you will hold yourself to them. My Dad is now 30 years sober so it is possible to get better. But. And it is a big but. Most people don't manage to.turn their lives around and even thoughy Dad did, it destroyed our family and I would never put a child through it.

So decide what your red lines are and how you will handle them if he crosses them. And get your exit strategy lined up. Hopefully you will never need it but it is good to know it is there.

Do not make the rest of your life like this.

What about you here?. You matter!.

Are you afraid of leaving him?. There is never a good time to leave but this situation is untenable. Again I would urge you not to continue to raise your son in such an environment.

@Scottishbluee this is how it started with my late husband. For him the trigger was the sudden death of his mother, and alcohol addiction ran in his family. He started off functional, but as he drank more and more he became emotionally and psychologically abusive towards our DC and me. In the end it destroyed out marriage, he lost his job, he complete wrecked his relationship with his DC and ultimately the drink cost him his life due to heart disease.

I stayed with him for far too long, my DC are still working through the damage he caused and so am I. Your DC is still very young, you can escape much of this.

Yes, recovery is possible - my Dsis' partner is 12 years sober now. But it's hard work and it has to come from the alcoholic themselves.

There is a support thread on the Alcohol forum for people with alcoholic partners and spouses - come on over, there are a lot of us who have been there and can support you.

I honestly have just got so used to it I forget how bad it really is. It’s because he is nice and loving most of the time but then drunk 5-6 of 7 nights a week.

I am scared to leave him, it’s been a long time and my son adores him so I’d hate to stop him seeing him every day.

but I agree, I can see myself staying and rereading this in 5 years and thinking why the hell didn’t I get out. Especially reading everyone else’s experiences.

Yes his mother died suddenly not long after we met. His family members drink a lot too but not as much as him.

my family do drink too so I think they just shrug it off. I remember my parents coming home drunk and even though grandparents were looking after me I hated the smell and how loud they were and how they didn’t make sense because they were drunk. I’m sure that has some bearing on how I feel about him drinking too.

thank you for sharing your story, sorry you went through that.

My ex drank a bottle of wine a night during the week and more at weekends. about 80 units a week.

It got so I didn't want to leave ds with him. I wouldn't let him take ds in the car because I could never be sure he was fit to drive. I didn't want to be intimate because he was always drunk, and, when drunk, foul mouthed.

He refused to accept he was alcoholic and I left when DS was 2 because we had no life together.

You need to have a very blunt conversation with your dh. He needs to choose between drink and his family. Unfortunately, you will probably come second. I'm so sorry.

Suggest to him that he googles the symptoms of liver disease and cirrhosis of the liver and ask him if he wants that in his future

Does he realise how many units he has a week and that the maximum recommended amount is 14 units which is approximately 6 pints of beer according to the NHS guidelines?

Two other thoughts, OP

If you are going to leave, it will be much easier on your ds while he is still very young. It gets harder as they get older.

And the other. If your DH is going to have any kind of operation, sports injury to ligaments etc, do not let him tell the doctors that he just has 'the odd glass or two.' They must know in advance that he is an alcoholic. Choice of anaesthetic without all the facts can be very dangerous. This exact set of circumstances nearly left my ds without a father.

Good luck. I hope it turns out well. x

Please pay close attention to the words that pointythings writes.

re your comments in quote marks:
"I am scared to leave him, it’s been a long time and my son adores him so I’d hate to stop him seeing him every day".

Why exactly are you scared to leave him?. Can you elaborate on this?

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs in that its been a long time.

I would think your son is actually quite scared of his dad when he has been drinking and notices it. He certainly notices your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to his dad and he will pick up on all the vibes here.

"but I agree, I can see myself staying and rereading this in 5 years and thinking why the hell didn’t I get out. Especially reading everyone else’s experiences".

Ask yourself too why you can see yourself staying. I would urge you to start planning your exit from this because this will not improve for your son or you.

Hi OP please look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - you will see the damage staying with an unavailable partner and or abusive partner does to children.

Start planning on leaving,this will not get better probably a lot worse.Your child is young he will be aware very soon and live with this all his life.Ask anyone who has lived with a family member who is an alcoholic.It will be scary but you must go for yourself and your child.Good luck.

My ex (I left with my young son two years ago) was an alcoholic. We were together for 16 years. I completely get the loneliness of the evening, I basically stopped talking to my ex in the eve the last couple of years because he was always drunk or on the way to being.

in your position without any argumentative or aggressive behaviour I probably would have stayed a lot longer. I was absolutely terrified of leaving and what it would do to my son. However my exes behaviour became more and more volatile and aggressive (not physically but shouting and irrational when drunk and in the end my son was being exposed to it). My ex agreed to go to therapy and stop drinking etc but nothing changed over 5 months so I left.

His drinking got so much worse then. With a few months of me leaving he was drinking in the morning, and went off sick from work. I had to stop him driving my son and he then refused to see my son at all for about a year. It was devastating. However despite all of this my son coped so well with the separation, I was overwhelmed with relief of no longer being in that relationship and my exes drinking no longer being my problem. I never regretted leaving for one second.

My ex finally want to rehab and has not drunk for 6 months. He’s seeing my son again weekly. If I’d stayed this would not have happened. It’s early days still but I can’t control it - it’s his problem.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and only gets worse if untreated.

I agree - join Al Anon, I understand so much more about addiction and patterns of behaviour now, I was naive and probably in denial about a lot of it when still in the relationship,

My ex is an alcoholic although he wouldn't agree! He's lost parental responsibility for the kids and they've chosen not see him for the last 9 years.

In your shoes I'd say that you are going to leave. And depending what happens it might be permanent.

That he is welcome to come to yours and be with your son until bed time on x days but that he cannot have had any alcohol at all on those days until he's left your house.

Then based on how that goes he might be able to have overnights but only if he doesn't touch alcohol at any time he has responsibility for your son. Even if son is asleep.

You could see how that goes if he agrees to it. I wouldn't normally advise letting an ex into a new home but I don't think he'll be able to keep it up so I think it's a temporary step away to something more permanent.

Really sorry to the OP. It is hard. I’m facing something similar. I can relate. I don’t really have any extra advice on top of what’s already been said doing my own thing has helped me focus on me instead of my partner and his problems. Sorry if that sounds selfish. I spent years putting him first and still prone to tip-toeing around him but really trying to think about my needs and interests has helped. It hasn’t solved it but I feel a bit more ‘me’ again.
I do drink but less and less and perhaps only a glass in a social setting. My partner of almost 25 years drinks at least a bottle of wine (sometimes 1.5bottles) most nights. He probably has 2 nights alcohol free at the moment.
Since lockdown days he keeps very odd hours and I suspect the drinking impacts his sleep. Worryingly, he does not appear ‘drunk’ after drinking a bottle of wine.
I know he feels very criticised by me generally: a few weeks ago, when I pointed out his hoarding (entire rooms now littered with his “stuff” meaning I can’t really use them) he had an outburst about how I criticise all the time. Including things like “what he eats” but no mention of the drink. I wish i had used this as an opportunity to say what I need to say about his drinking but I didn’t. I retreated as I was thinking about what else he’d just said to me.
i think it’s accurate that you cannot change someone, you can only change your own response and yourself. I feel really worried about the drinking issue but overwhelmed to know where to begin. I’m not sure anything I say is heard or respected anymore.
The functioning dynamics mean my partner is able to do what he likes, when he likes. He comes to bed in the early hours and gets up at Midday unless he has a work commitment (own business), a game of golf or something he is prepared to do. I’m an early riser and feel the lion’s share of the domestic work and emotional work (children are away at school during the week) is always on me. He is sort of absent with me - he is engaged with our children when they are here so I can only conclude that it’s me that he’s not interested in any longer. A lonely place to be.
For context, he has had some difficult emotional times in recent years and I think the wine drinking has become his ‘coping mechanism’ and now a habit. He’s also had spells of complete abstinence (for 2/3 months at a time) and has enjoyed sobriety during those times. He has admitted he can’t just have a single glass of wine too.
Sorry for spilling, I think I will have a look at the other board on alcohol that someone mentioned. It’s really tricky in the context of a family unit, I know it’s not right but I don’t know how to address it (or if I can given it’s up to him to get help and try and amend things) but I would probably find it helpful to talk to others in this situation.
My relationship is not in great shape and whilst the alcoholism is a part of that, there are other issues but I will leave that for another day!

Yes, in his position it is difficult to give up cold turkey, can even be dangerous so cutting down first is advised usually. First he has to admit he's dependent though and want to reduce. If he can get down to one or two cans from that point alcohol free days (3-4 per week) would be the next sim

He's barely functional OP.
His alcohol abuse is preventing him from engaging in family or spousal life, & you are left lonely & miserable when he starts drinking, or miserable due to his grumpiness when he reduces his drinking.

aside from all this he is a good father, always helps out, even in the middle of the night and is actively involved.
And that is a scant minimum of parenting.
Good fathers don't piss family income away on excessive boozing. He must be spending 3 or 4 hundred quid a month, & is unable to even comminucate with you of an evening.

You family's attitude is a worry, but don't let their dismissal affect YOUR reaction. They don;t have to live with your H - you do, & it;s severely impacting you & the kids.

It’s just on a late afternoon evening I sit there thinking why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see?
Hey - his drinking is NO reflection on you.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

al-anon.org/blog/al-anons-three-cs/

al-anon.org/newcomers/

My ex finally want to rehab and has not drunk for 6 months. He’s seeing my son again weekly. If I’d stayed this would not have happened. It’s early days still but I can’t control it - it’s his problem.
@Rockingchai

OP - by staying, your H can continue drinking with no consequences.
By staying, you are (unwittingly!) enabling him to continue drinking.

All the mitigating measures relative of alcoholics take to tiptoe around them ... clean up their sick, pick them up at 3am, look after the DC when the drunk is too hungover/pissed ... conspire to help the alcoholic avoid consequences, & enable their continued drinking.

By leaving, you are protecting your young child from growing up with an alkie dad. PP can tell you what that was like for them, when they were a child of an alcoholic. You will also protect yourself, & ultimately it may be the trigger he needs to decide that HE is going to address his problem.
It may not be though. But staying will CERTAINLY not give him that opportunity to review his behaviour & get help for it.

And you cannot provide that help. He needs to ask for it himself, arrange it himself, engage with it himself - in short, he has to want to do it. It's not your job - remember, you didn't cause it, can't control it, & can't cure it ...