Is my husband a functioning alcoholic?

[Scottishbluee]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill (not directly due to alcohol but it’s definitely a contributor) and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less. He also did not tell the gp how much he drinks and said “no one tells the truth”

aside from all this he is a good father, always helps out, even in the middle of the night and is actively involved. It’s just on a late afternoon evening I sit there thinking why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see?

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

thank you. You’re right. When I last discussed his health and asked him if he’s ever wondered about the state of his liver or blood pressure or cholesterol, he just said “it’s fine”. Because up until recently he’s very rarely needed the dr or been unwell.

To me that was baffling - I would hate to think something I’m doing could make me seriously ill, especially now I have a child.

But I guess that’s addiction.

I hope he doesn't drive in the mornings.

Yes he’s an alcoholic. The problem is a functioning alcoholic can very suddenly become a non functioning alcoholic and then your life gets pulled into a very real hell. I speak from personal experience. I removed myself and our young children from the situation as he refused help. He eventually went into recovery (because he had reached rock bottom and it was recovery or death). He also had a very good job, earned a lot of money etc but it all went to hell. If he won’t help himself then you should really make a new life for yourself and child because it will most likely get worse before it gets better.

This

Absolute rubbish.

OP, please do not take any notice of @sickofteenagers post.

You are not responsible for your husband's relationship with alcohol.

This all sounds exactly the same as my ex. I calculated he was drinking 80-100 units a week (wine rather than beer). He was working - until he got the sack and we lost everything because he had become non-functioning. Please please leave and make a safe home for your young family and do it now not later. My ex was never violent either but he started to get verbally aggressive and nasty. I didn’t want that life for the children so I took a deep breath, packed a bag and took myself and the children to my parents because I had nowhere else to go but it was better than being there.

I've done the calculator and it says it takes 23 hours to get sober after 10 pints.
This seem right to people?
If it is it's terrifying.
Not sober at work or looking after kids etc,

What tosh. It may be the symptom of a problem her husband has within himself but it is not anything to do with the op. This is not a ‘it takes two to tango’ type situation.

Yes he is definitely a functioning alcoholic, maybe you should sit down with him and be honest and say how you feel, maybe also say if things don't change and you start doing things like a proper family every weekend and date night even once a month, you would be looking to divorce him.
Hopefully this will frighten him enough to do something about it. X

He may be functioning just now but sooner or later the wheels will fall off. The drinking will cause problems or he’ll suffer other problems which means he’s no longer able to function.

there’s nothing you can do however, it has to be down to him. Xx

Oh away with that nonsense.

My ex (there is a theme here isn’t there…) was also drinking 100 units a week or more. Had a good job etc acknowledged he was alcohol dependent but never that he was an alcoholic. He was always the drunkest person in the room, it could be a sedate bunch of 80 years old having one glass and he’d be necking wine like it was Saturday night with the lads. We didn’t talk, had no sex life and it was just endless self pity. We split up and within a year or so things had started going downhill. All sorts of “health” issues, off sick with stress and then seizures etc. He’s now in rehab for the second time. Tbh I think this is all anyone drinking at the level has to look forward to. You deserve much more and so does your DS. It is perfectly okay to say “I don’t want this” and it is absolutely not your responsibility to fix it. The stepping away is such good advice.

@allboysherebutme sit down with him when? At any point, day or night, he is either going to be drunk or desperate for a drink. He isn't thinking like a normal husband and father any more and I'm afraid ultimatums wont work. There is no reasoning with an alcoholic. Any promises the OP gets from him will be worthless.

Please please tell him he stops with support from SMART or AA, or you leave with your child.

You don't want your child to grow up thinking his Dad's drinking is normal.

All excellent points.

I was the drinker.

Told myself I was fine even though I knew I wasn’t as I wasn’t drinking in the morning, kids were fed and clothed and doing well at school, doing well at work but I was doing the bare minimum at home, no hobbies other than drinking. That’s not properly “functioning” is it

@CharlotteByrde I would say ultimatums do work, but not on the drinker. Mine worked on me because I was setting a hard deadline for myself - and I stuck to it, and got out. But you have to have decided in your head that this is what you're going to do, and OP isn't there yet.

It is likely too that he is on a permanent comedown from alcohol. His employers will notice in time if they have not already.

OP is certainly not there yet; she is talking to him about his blood pressure and such like. Am sorry but doing that is a complete waste of time; he does not want to know. Denial is a powerful force and he is mired in it.

You have a choice re this man OP; your son does not. This is no environment for either of you to be living in.

OP

re your comment:
"The thought of leaving him scares me because I hate disappointing people and being judged. Like will my parents be disappointed?"

Disappointing people, being judged?. By whom exactly?. If your parents and or other people were disappointed and or judged you that is on them. None of these people have been married to this man, you have.

This may sound harsh, but it’s important to remember that if your goal is to please everyone – then you’re setting yourself up to fail. Even if you act exactly (how you think is) right, there will always be people with different perspectives and views on how things should be. The idea that you can please everyone is unfortunately delusional, because it’s simply impossible.

Strangers, family, and friends all have different ideas about what’s wrong or right. Their idea of good behaviour might be somewhat close to each other, or really far away from each other – in the end it doesn’t matter, because they will never completely align with each other which means you will always fail and disappoint someone.

A comfort zone is nice and comfy, but it stands in the way of growth. We can’t ever move forward and go further, if we stand still – and that’s exactly what you do in your comfort zone. You’re standing still in a frozen moment that you’re familiar with and know all too well.

Sometimes the only way to conquer fear is through pushing yourself into uncomfortable situations, but it can of course be extremely scary to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Start out with something small. It can be a task that you’ve been putting off, because the whole idea of this scenario makes you feel uncomfortable. It can be anything from telling your partner something that’s been on your mind (but you’re afraid of their reaction or letting them down) to taking a fitness class that you feel you aren’t fit enough to take.

We all started out with baby steps once.

It won’t. If someone is an alcoholic no amount of begging, pleading, threatening etc etc will make any difference. I showed my (now ex) the documentary on George Best when he was dying (same time my ex was drinking) it made no difference, I showed him other, harrowing, documentaries on alcoholism it made no difference, I threatened to leave it made no difference (I did actually leave). The only thing that changed him was lying in a hospital bed very very ill. He went in to recovery after that and hasn’t touched a drop since (a lot of years and AA meetings so well done him). It can only change when he wants the change for himself not for others.

Yes our stories all seem to have running themes don’t they? You can tell by people’s advice on here who has and who hasn’t been in the OP’s shoes. It’s not a criticism, they’re the lucky ones but anyone who thinks you can persuade or reason or threaten an alcoholic to stop really doesn’t understand what it’s like to be living that particular nightmare. I really hope the OP gets herself and her child out of that situation, I would never have forgiven myself if I hadn’t left and let the children grow up with an alcoholic in the house.

I sometimes wonder whether my late husband would have changed if he had survived the heart attack (yes, caused by alcohol abuse) that killed him out of nowhere. And I'm not sure he would have - having the police round because he'd threatened to kill me in a fit of drunken rage only kept him dry for a couple of weeks.

This will get OP precisely nowhere.

the drinker themselves has to want to make the change and then do it.

no one else can do anything to help them. Op needs to think about herself and her wee boy.

Name changed for this reply.
Yes your DH is an alcoholic. I say this from experience. My DH is a recovering alcoholic, but it's a long journey and I think once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, so he'll be recovering for ever. My DH's alcoholism lead to him cheating on me with prostitutes, taking drugs, and other things I'd prefer not to think about. Like your DH, he drank to excess every night and I didn't want to have sex with a drunk person. This lead to him saying we had a sexless marriage and accusing me of withholding sex. Apparently we've never had a normal sex life (but it was never his fault). We've spent a lot of time and effort in counselling and he's currently sober so life is pretty good. But it's a day by day thing. The problem with alcoholics is that they need a massive reality check in order to want to change. No one can make them change, and they have to want to do it for themselves. It took the very real possibility of separation to make my DH take the first steps. That might work for your DH, or it might not. But that's not your concern; if you can't do it any longer then leave for you, not for how you might hope your DH react, because that's too unpredictable.

😂

Of course!
OP - all you have to do is TALK to your H & he will start being a family man & strop drinking.
Obviously you are too daft to have ever talked to him about his drinking ....

Yes @pointythings ues, I should have made that clearer. Settting boundaries may well be the way forward for the OP. There’s just absolutely no point in telling an alcoholic ‘if you don’t stop drinking I will…’