Is my husband a functioning alcoholic?

[Scottishbluee]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill (not directly due to alcohol but it’s definitely a contributor) and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less. He also did not tell the gp how much he drinks and said “no one tells the truth”

aside from all this he is a good father, always helps out, even in the middle of the night and is actively involved. It’s just on a late afternoon evening I sit there thinking why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see?

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

He’s a good father and loves him and except for a weekend he does his drinking after he goes to bed.

He's doing something that is likely to shorten his lifespan, something that means he will likely have less years with his child than he would if he wasn't an alcoholic.

At the moment, he really really isn't a good father.

He loves alcohol more than he loves anything else at the moment. It's horrible to accept that but it's the truth of addicts.

They may love their child and partner dearly, but for as long as they partake in their addiction, they love whatever they are addicted to even more.

I completely get that you feel you need to give him an ultimatum so you can look back and know you did everything you could. But you need to do that right now.

Because every day you don't is a day you and your child are being damaged by living under the same roof as an alcoholic.

As well as being damaged in the present, children of alcoholic parents are incredibly often left with scars that mean they are more susceptible than most to end up in relationships with addicts as it is their 'normal'.

The legacy of having an alcoholic parent is painful. And unfortunately the child learns to become an enabler.

I get that you feel you need to do the ultimatum but as I said, you need to do it now. And mean it.

"Obviously I am not thinking about other relationships but the idea of being with someone who doesn’t drink like this and actively wants to spend time sober with me is completely alien. And that’s scary to me that I can’t comprehend it".

We tend to repeat what we learnt about relationships from childhood.
Would suggest you deal with any and all thoughts relating to the above through therapy and Al-anon.

@Glorified Your long post at 10:15 is .... stonking, also heartbreakingly accurate.

OP - I'm glad Glorified's post resonated with you. Keep taking those small detachment steps - you can only manage this at your own pace. I suspect a lot of your feelings of entrapment in this relationship is exacerbated by your family's denial.

The problem with the phrase "functional alcoholic" is that people can seize on the "functional" aspect in order to minimise the facts of "alcoholic".

Your family don't witness his drinking, don't have to live with the drunk/hungover/craving cycle, are not subject to his emotional withdrawal, are not affected by his inability to do anything but get to work, get home, & pour another drink while you manage all the mental load of adulting for him.
Instead, they are minimising your concerns - possibly because it's so much nicer for THEM to brush it all under the carpet - & are just observing the surface impression of 'family man who holds down a job'.

It's doubly hard for you to manage when your concerns are not heard & your family aren't choosing to be on your team - I hope you haven been able to contact AlAnon? You need support, advise, & commiseration from people who understand what you are living with. Please reach out for it - you have been coping solo for so long, & you seriously deserve some compassionate help.

He’s a good father and loves him and except for a weekend he does his drinking after he goes to bed.

Please don't let him convince you that the above is true when you discuss it with him. You know it's not the case but are feeling defensive of him (because you love who he was before) as everyone has quite rightly pointed out how damaging his behaviour. The above isn't true, because the below is true.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

The only reason he's only done this twice is because you rarely go out. If you went out once a week, he would do the above once a week.

You sound lovely and kind. Please don't let him manipulate you into seeing him as the biggest victim in this situation. He's making an active choice to drink, you've making an active choice to stay (but I think that's changing now which is great) and your son has no agency in any of it.

Living with an alcoholic and having a happy, healthy life is not possible. They are mutually exclusive. You deserve more and so does your son.

Thank you. Something has definitely “clicked” in my head this week. I’ve arranged to see a therapist next week as I agree, my closest friends and family just minimise things as they only see a fraction.

My parents drank too - not to this extent, but came home drunk regularly and I hated it. The smell, the fact they acted different. I assume this has some bearing on my dislike of booze.

Yeah I also agree that I hardly have a social life, or it’s limited to during the day, because subconsciously I know he gets annoyed if I go out on a night as he’s “not allowed” to drink then.

I'm sorry love but if it's 8ishcans a night he's a massive alcoholic. I consider myself a bit problematic and I don't drink Mon to fri!!!

He's not well and it will fuck you up.

Basically I struggle bc once I've had a drink find it hard to stop. But I don't ever drink on weeknights I thought I was bad but he sounds horrific

Yeah I’ve definitely become desensitised to how crazy it is. I don’t know how work don’t smell it on him, im super aware of people smelling like booze on a morning.

Work will have clocked his withdrawal/distraction/low mood from being hungover and through deteriorating quality of work.

He will likely be managed out in time or he will be sacked after a mess up / incident.

If you wonder how work can’t smell it on him you must then know that your DC can smell it.

Just keep noticing and being aware and put in those incremental detaching emotionally distancing so that you can gain some perspective to see above and around the issue.

Well done on getting some professional help to support you at this very difficult time.

Oh love... they smell it. Get ready. Save up to leave because he WILLl lose his job

Luckily I am very financially stable due to an inheritance which obviously allows him to drink at this rate as we are not worrying about money etc

(I don’t know how to phrase that without sounding horribly pompous!)

His behaviour can quickly and ultimately erode your current financial stability.

Another reason to move on - so that you can conserve some of that financial stability for your DC and your own MH in the short, medium and long term.

Very true. I’m trying to take steps. Definitely emotionally distancing myself.

Your DH's work will be aware. If you can smell drink so can they. This situation will deteriorate fairly quickly as he is drinking a hell of a lot. You don't owe your DH anything -he's the one who has pressed the self-destruct button -but you do owe your child a safe and happy childhood. Getting drunk when your little one is in bed and he is the only adult in the house is dangerous and negligent in the extreme. He might have been a good dad once, but those days are gone. Start thinking about physical distance.

Thank you.

Yeah there’s no way someone at work hasn’t noticed.

It sounds ridiculous as I am an adult with my own mind but I need to read these messages. I’ve convinced myself it “isn’t that bad” and it is.

The bit I struggle with is “you don’t owe your DH anything” - it’s so true. I need to put my child and I first. But I’ve definitely been brought up to think you stay married and some people drink a lot. So I keep thinking I should try talk him into stopping. Which is crazy because if this was a friend I would be telling her to prepare to leave.

That’s why YOU need support from Al Anon or similar group for families (try to go in person if you can) because socially we think we are taught / expected to suck it up and also as it’s a progressive disease it’s very much finding yourself in a situation due to ‘boiling the frog’.

Keep educating yourself especially the negative impact of an alcoholic parent and a preoccupied parent on your DCs longer term MH. But get support.

As I’ve said before, you’ll be wasting your breath. He isn’t able to hear you. All he’s thinking about now is his need for a drink. He’ll justify, deny and blame others- most likely you! Or he will cry and make promises and then hide the bottles/cans and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to work out how much he’s drinking every day. However you’ve been brought up, and your family clearly have their own issues, your duty of care now is to your child and staying married to an alcoholic is damaging your child. Many of us here learned that the hard way and I’d so much rather you learned from our experiences.

Thank you. You’re all completely right. When I start doubting myself I keep reading all these responses.

I don’t have much of a life anymore, especially after 5pm, as I either have to be at home because he is drinking or feel like I can’t go out because he will be in a bad mood because he can’t drink.

So yeah. It all needs to change.

Doubting yourself is why you're here. Knock that on the head, and you'll find a solution much quicker. Your feelings are your feelings, and unless you respect them, they won't be good feelings. What's to doubt?

I keep wondering if I’m overreacting (obviously not) and am I unreasonable to ask him to stop completely or I’m leaving?

Sorry, I haven’t had anyone to talk about this with so it’s a weight off my shoulders to be able to be honest.

Keep posting here - so many of us have been there (and yes, that includes the self doubt and the ;is it really that bad' - in my case not helped by the fact that when we were on holiday, he drank less and was more like the man I married!).

It is that bad and your DC will pay the price.

Thank you and thanks for your support.
Sorry to hear that - I totally understand. When they’re not drinking and they remind you why you married them. But then I guess addiction just can’t be switched off.

Yeah I need to focus on my son.

Absolute rubbish.

Thank you. As I said to them before - yes things clearly aren’t right but its because of his obsession with booze, not something I’ve done.

@Scottishbluee for me the biggest problem in detaching from him was that I couldn't believe the man I married was no longer in there somewhere. That was made worse when he did rehab and was sober, because that man did come back - a little. Problem was the moment he finished rehab, he believed he could just start drinking again. He admitted to me that he was an alcoholic, but said that because it wasn't a problem for him, it should also not be a problem for me. It wasn't until I started believing that I deserved better (as did our DDs) that I was ready to detach.