Is my husband a functioning alcoholic?

[Scottishbluee]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill (not directly due to alcohol but it’s definitely a contributor) and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less. He also did not tell the gp how much he drinks and said “no one tells the truth”

aside from all this he is a good father, always helps out, even in the middle of the night and is actively involved. It’s just on a late afternoon evening I sit there thinking why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see?

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

I totally understand. my husband says it’s not an issue and he can stop whenever he wants. He can for a bit. Because he knows he’s going to carry on after a week. It’s never final.
He doesn’t think his drinking is a problem as he still goes to work, gets up with our son on some days etc
I’ve been believing that too! Until recently and definitely since you guys have pointed out that it’s not okay.

i hope you’re much happier now.

Hi OP, I've just run in to comment and haven't read the entire thread - just to say a couple of things that may be helpful and may have already been said!

I work for Addictions Services for the NHS - at our service, we have a self referral pathway for friends and family - it can be really helpful for getting realistic advice on how to cope with living with (or without) an alcoholic partner, they can direct you towards other services which are helpful, help with benefits, help with emotional and practical support.

Your DH is definitely physically dependent on alcohol if he's having at least 10 cans of any strength beer or cider a day. Physical dependency means that his body will go into withdrawal when he doesn't drink as usual - effectively, he needs a drink to feel "normal" and not ill. When he's trying to stop - the reason he retreats to bed at 7.30 is because he's experiencing withdrawal - he will likely be sweating, shaky, anxious, nauseous, feeling horrendous - I'd say it's likely he goes to bed to drink secretly - is he seeming ill when you go up? If not i think it's likely he's not stopped and is now drinking covertly.

A couple of safety issues that have probably already been said -

1. if he's trying to stop drinking and go cold turkey, he could suffer a seizure, and this could be fatal - if he really wants to stop, he needs to reduce by around 10% per week and if he starts to suffer with withdrawal symptoms, he needs to have just enough alcohol to stop the symptoms. He needs to write down how much he's drinking every day and then gradually reduce.
2. if he's drinking ten cans a night, he's probably over the limit by loads still in the morning and into the next day - if he's driving he could seriously injure himself or others - definitely do not let him drive the kids or you. He shouldn't be driving full stop. If he goes into treatment with a service like ours, they will likely ask him to declare to the DVLA and his license may be suspended.
3. I would not leave him in charge of the kids at all, for the above reason - he wouldn't be able to appropriately respond to an emergency.

Best of luck, OP. It doesn't sound like your DH has realised his issue yet, or is really ready to tackle it - so your best bet is to look after yourself, and make sure the kids are ok - sometimes a spouse leaving can be a wake up call for people, but either way your priority must be yourself and your kids. I really wish you all the best.

Thank you so much. I had no idea about your workplace, I’m going to see if there’s one in our area, I think that would be really helpful.

Yes when he stopped for 2 weeks he was really ill, vomiting and sweating. But he only did it because he knew it was temporary and he could drink again after he’d done the performative two weeks off.

I will not be letting him look after our son alone for the foreseeable. He honestly doesn’t see it as a problem and that’s concerning. He also doesn’t think he’d be over the limit on a morning as he “slept loads”. He’s a smart man normally and it’s baffling to me that he’s convinced himself this is normal.

@Scottishbluee yes, we are all so much happier. If there is one thing you can take away from my experience, it's that. Getting there was so, so hard but in all brutal honesty the first thing I felt when I got the phone call from Suffolk police telling me he was dead was relief. Because even though he was no longer living with us, even though the divorce was progressing, I still worried about him. I was no contact and a lot better than I had been with him still at home, but the concern was still there. Once the worst happened, it was easier for all of us.

Yes, have a look, if not there are national organisations that have groups and individual help available - good thing to come out of the pandemic is that a lot of this can be accessed via zoom/remotely now too :) Get some support in place for yourself. yes so he's definitely dependent then - there are around 2 units in a pint - so he's probably consuming around 20 per night. It takes around one hour to break down one unit (though things like how much food you've eaten, what else you've drunk, medication and bmi can make this vary a bit) - so unless he's sleeping 20 plus hours, he'll still have alcohol in his system. It might be that he's drinking secretly at other times too. Is there a drinking culture at work? He's in denial at the moment - deep down he knows he has an issue probably but it's frightening to stop and he's been ill when he tries - this is something he'll have to face up to but not something you can make him do, sadly. And you're so welcome, I really hope everything works out well for you, and I hope DH gets some help too.

Op, as pp have said, please go to Al Anon. You will find help and support from people there who have been through/are going through the same as you.
I am really sorry you are going through this. As my mother used to say ruefully about my alcoholic father - “what fun we could have had”.
It ruins everything.

Please report him for drink driving.

It ruins lives. Ruins families.

Better to report him than him cause an accident in which he dies or god forbid injures or kills someone else. It's sheer dumb luck he hasn't done so already.

Has he been driving your son at any point recently?

He will be almost constantly over the limit drinking at the rate he does.

He's putting alcohol before your son.

Nobody ever seems to report loved ones for drink driving though even when they know it's definitely happening.

Fair point.

Can I ring the police and ask them to pull him? Would it be anonymous?

I drive pretty much everywhere otherwise.

@Scottishbluee

Yep, you can call the police when you know he's driving and let them know where he's going to and from.

Or if you can only report it afterwards then you can call the police on 101.

In both cases I would suggest mentioning that you believe he's been doing this regularly.

As someone whose life was changed permanently by a drink driver, I can't emphasise enough how selfish it is and how gutting it is that people turn a blind eye to loved ones doing it then join in with 'how awful' when people are killed by drunk drivers.

I really hope you'll consider reporting it.

The one thing I was always grateful for is that my late husband didn't drive.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. This thread has been brillo for advice but if you are like me, I love reading up about things and would suggest you get a few books about it, from the library or one of the support organisations mentioned above and arm yourself with this, it will help strengthen your mind.

Now that you know, you know.

He is an alcoholic.

I’m sorry for you and your son, but am very happy to see that you are seeking support for yourself and that you are not leaving your son in his care anymore.

Do you or your husband have an employee assistance programme?