Is my husband a functioning alcoholic?

[Scottishbluee]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill (not directly due to alcohol but it’s definitely a contributor) and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less. He also did not tell the gp how much he drinks and said “no one tells the truth”

aside from all this he is a good father, always helps out, even in the middle of the night and is actively involved. It’s just on a late afternoon evening I sit there thinking why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see?

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see

Are you blaming yourself? Why? What's it got to do with you if he picks up a beer and drinks it?

I don’t know, I know it isn’t my fault. I just think is my company so awful that drinking yourself stupid every night is a better alternative.

"I just think is my company so awful that drinking yourself stupid every night is a better alternative".

Where did this mindset come from?. He choosing to drink every night is his sole choice and that is absolutely no reflection on you as a person or in any way.

Do attend your local Al-anon meeting and at the very least call them and or read their literature.

But this isn’t true. He has an illness. An illness he and only he can seek treatment for.

Children who live with an adult who is an alcoholic are much more likely to be alcoholics.

Thank you. I’m quite a sensible person and deep down I know it’s nothing to do with me it’s just hard to separate it in my head sometimes.

He’s a nice guy, he’s a good dad but the drinking is so prominent. He will say we need milk and pop to the shop and always comes back with a crate of beer too, like I don’t know what he’s doing.

The thought of leaving him scares me because I hate disappointing people and being judged. Like will my parents be disappointed? No probably not when they realise the extent of things but I still have always had this mindset of doing things “properly”.

I know this is ridiculous because the “right” thing to do is protect my child and reading all your comments and experiences is really hitting home.

@Scottishbluee this is why you need support. I carried things alone for far too long before taking action, for all the reasons you just listed. Had I failed as a wife, would I be letting my parents and my DC down, what if I was overreacting? It was only when things started getting really bad (empty bottles in the bedroom, weekly amounts ramping up to 120+ units) that I hit my personal rock bottom and decided I couldn't do it any more. I gave him an ultimatum (and meant it!): rehab or divorce. While he did rehab, I joined the support group for relatives that the rehab ran (which was open ended)and I learned so much. It helped me detach when he started drinking again and I needed to follow through with the divorce, it really made me see that it wasn't anything I had done and it gave me some peace of mind even when I was having to make some very tough decisions. Getting support from people who have been where you are now is absolutely essential and I strongly suggest you seek it out.

link to al-anon
SMART

(this post may be temporarily removed, the MN algorithms can be a little funny about this kind of link, but it will be reinstated if that happens).

Thank you so much that’s really helpful I will definitely reach out and get some support. I feel like I’m overreacting when I’m on my own but then I read all your comments and realise I’m not. It’s such an odd situation because it’s been my life for so long.

thanks for sharing that, sorry you have been through it too. He’s on 90 units a week at the moment basically. It’s mind blowing when you think about the sheer amount and the cost.

No alcoholic is 'functioning", they are all until that time when they're just not. The only man who wakes up and drinks neat vodka hasn't done that all his life....This point comes sooner for some than others but it is coming if he doesn't get a handle on the drinking now.

It's incredibly hard though as alcoholics tend to be in serious denial. I know this from personal experience 😅 he likely won't stop until he realises the impact it's having on his personal life etc

A good friend has recently buried their partner in their late 50s of a long slow horrific death due to alcohol abuse over their adult life. Just horrendous.

Please end it.

I feel like I’m overreacting when I’m on my own but then I read all your comments and realise I’m not. It’s such an odd situation because it’s been my life for so long.

This is exactly, but exactly how I felt. It didn't stop until I joined the support group and realised I was very far from alone. There are so many of us it's scary. These days I'm a facilitator for the group because I no longer have any living alcoholics in my life, but we get new people joining all the time, and they all feel totally alone. You're not.

If you're any where in the West Suffolk region I'd say come and join us, but chances are you're not. There may be local support groups near you though - sometimes local wellbeing services and organisations like Mind know and have contacts.

The whole challenge with alcoholism is that it is so isolating. Not just for the drunk but those around them too. Trust me your DS will be aware of the lack of input from his Dad and will know what is up... even if he doesn't have the language or reasoning to be able to articulate it. I knew from the age of 5 that something wasn't quite right with my family and that we weren't like others. And it never leaves you.

90 units a week is vast. Even by an alcoholics standard. It will only get worse
And sadly that ends up being violent as they lose self control (it happens when women are drunks too so it is not a gender thing, but rather their brains are rewired and they can't keep control of their emotions as well). You don't want your son seeing that.

You are both worth so much more.

I felt like that. I couldn’t believe he was choosing alcohol over me, over our son. It made me so angry, so incredulous. But after I left I realised that an alcoholic will do anything to protect the alcohol/addiction. It is nothing to do with you. I never heard of Al Anon’s phrase until I left but how it resonated and liberated me - you can’t control it, you can’t change it, you DIDNT CAUSE IT

Because he always blamed something else, often me - if I asked him what he would do about his drinking - he would say - what will YOU do to make my life less stressful?

@Thingamebobwotsit 90 units a week was when my late husband was having a good week... Normal for him was north of 120 - and those were the ones I knew of. Given that he kept bottles in our bedroom (you would not believe what DC and I found in there after he was made to leave by police) and that he drank at work, we can probably add at least 50% on top.

I remember my dad coming home drunk as a child to an angry mother and hiding away sick with fear - fast forward 30 years and both me and my brother have rehabbed from alcohol (my brother given 9 months to live at one point). My mother now drinks heavily but father is sober. He was functional too until health problems triggered his sobriety. But the damage on the rest of us was awful. It's a hard road for everyone unfortunately.

You may find it useful to join an Al-Anon group. He might find the One for the Road podcast useful.

Similar for me. I wouldn't have believed that someone would blame me for their drinking until I heard it from my exh's mouth. I can remember telling him I 'didn't hold his fucking mouth open and pour it in'. I was furious.

When I left he was drinking two bottles of wine a night, and at the weekend started earlier, with a few beers, before moving onto the wine.

My adult DC don't drink. I very rarely drink. We are all still affected by the alcoholic.

It's unlikely to get better, OP. I wish you courage.

I would say things aren't right between you both; otherwise you would sit and talk together. Drinking is a symptom of the problem!

@pointythings Yep that doesn't surprise me. Have lived with one too many alcoholics to know most of the tricks. But 90 units is vast. And anything North of that even worse. By that point there are physiological and psychological changes which can't be easily reversed.

@sickofteenagers have you lived with an alcoholic? It is never, never, never the partner's responsibility. Ever. The only person responsible for their choice of coping strategy is the alcoholic themselves.

@sickofteenagers you are talking absolute nonsense. Be quiet.

Things definitely aren’t right! He’s drunk most of the time.

we have spoken, he stops or cuts down briefly and then it ramps up again.

This. Lived with one, am one (thankfully sober a good few years now). It's not your fault/responsibility OP please don't ever think that.

If he is drunk in charge of a child, he isn't functioning too well is he? I know that it is VERY scary to leave. I completely understand. But this is going to get worse. He is 'going back' to drinking (chances are he hasn't stopped completely anyway but is hiding it better) and he will be drinking as much if not more. You will start playing hunt the bottle and you'll drive yourself mad trying to have logical discussions with a drunk who can only think about his next drink. Telling him about the health risks as one poster suggested is utterly pointless. He will firmly believe that stuff won't happen to him. Even when it does, it'll be the doctor's fault, the hospital's fault, your fault. Leave now, and save yourself and your boy. Your DH is a grown man and can look after himself -or choose not to.