Is my husband a functioning alcoholic?

[Scottishbluee]

My husband and I have been together 12 years but I’ve started to realise I think he is a functioning alcoholic.

He works a very good job and goes in every day regardless. He doesn’t drink in the morning or anything. However he can drink 10 cans on a week night quite regularly. More on a weekend and he starts earlier on a weekend.

I don’t drink and never have. I completely believe people can enjoy alcohol but it isn’t for me. Plus we have a 4 year old so someone needs to be sober.

I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

im so bored and miserable. Once it gets past 8pm there’s no point talking to him or watching anything together as he won’t remember properly. I don’t want to have sex with a drunk man so we rarely do.

im lonely on an evening as he just sits and chain drinks cans of beer. My family don’t see it as such a problem and just laugh it off but I’m so lonely.

He has recently become ill (not directly due to alcohol but it’s definitely a contributor) and after denying it he has finally admitted he should probably stop drinking so much and is now in a terrible mood every day as he can’t drink and ends up going to bed at 7:30pm in a sulk. He has decided he doesn’t feel much better having stopped drinking so he’s going to start again, albeit have less. He also did not tell the gp how much he drinks and said “no one tells the truth”

aside from all this he is a good father, always helps out, even in the middle of the night and is actively involved. It’s just on a late afternoon evening I sit there thinking why am I so shit that you want to chain drink beer until you can barely see?

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this I just needed to rant. Any advice?

Just picturing ‘date night’ with an alcoholic. You drive, because you can’t be totally sure he hasn’t sneaked a drink, though you’ve been keeping an eye on him all day and checking his usually hiding places. He’s a bit edgy and unhappy but you hope he’ll cheer up once you arrive. Half way through the starter he says he needs a wee. He comes back, looking a bit cheerier, but you’re sure you hear a clink from his jacket pocket as he sits down and your heart sinks. Before the main course arrives, he goes to the loo again. His eyes are a bit glazed when he comes back and he says something crude to the waitress. You challenge him and he gets angry and defensive. You wish you’d stayed at home…

If he’s driving every morning after bingeing all evening then I’d be phoning the police before he kills someone while DUI.
Hideous situation for you OP, personally I would leave rather than watch him drink my money away. Just how much is he spending on booze? My BIL was drinking £120++ a week just on vodka, plus strong cider and gin 🤬

Nailed it! You did miss out the throwing up in the car on the way home, even better if it’s a taxi (yes, personal experience) and to top it all off you wake during the night to hear him pissing the bed. What a ‘date night’ that was 🥴

The worrying thing is your DC will see this as normal and will grow up to be the same. He isn’t a good dad.

Thank you for all your replies.

I was thinking about having the big talk with him as obviously I have told him I don’t like his drinking before but never really issued an ultimatum or said “enough is enough”.

then part of me thinks - he’s a grown adult man if he can’t see the dangers and the risk himself then why even bother? The fact it’s made him ill now to the point he can’t play with his kid sometimes. If that doesn’t do it then what use is me saying anything?

@Scottishbluee you're right to think that there's no point in talking to him in terms of how drinking affects his health. Alcohol addiction comes with a nice big helping of denial. All you can do is seek support and then decide what you want to do with your life. Being a single parent is hard, but living with an alcoholic is much harder - especially when they really start spiralling. Which nearly all of them will.

I think you need to focus on getting your ducks in a row and planning to separate. If you don't you aren't facilitating and condoning his alcoholism and showing to your DC that it's an ok way to live.

He will find an excuse to go back to drinking as he's not reached rock bottom yet.

@RandomMess that was literally my late husband's excuse when I gave him my ultimatum (the one that was for me): that he couldn't stop drinking because he hadn't reached rock bottom yet. I basically told him 'but I have'. And that started it all.

Hi OP - your latest update shows real insight & fortitude.
The problem with an ultimatum is that it can be used as a bartering tool by the addict, with their relatives manipulated into accepting delayed deadlines, excuses, "one-off" relapses, "special occasions", "this is the last time", "it will all be different next week" etc.

And as you seem to be becoming aware of - an ultimatum does NOT stop an alcoholic from drinking. It might produce a short sharp shock effect, you might even see a (performative) improvement for a few days. But old habits will creep back, &/or he will simply become more secretive.
The only person who can stop him from drinking is him - & he has to want to.

So by all means produce your ultimatum - just be hyperaware of how it will likely pan out. And guard yourself against disappointment if he decides that drinking is more important than his family.

he couldn't stop drinking because he hadn't reached rock bottom yet. I basically told him 'but I have'.

Chapeau! @pointythings

@pointythings touché

Yep exactly.

Why stay and watch someone you care about mill themselves and hurt everyone around them whilst taking 0 responsibility

And you're a grown adult woman, so take charge of the situation and tell him that you won't live with an alcoholic any longer. Tell to either sober up (t total is the only way) or move out.

Im in a similar situation Op. My DH drinks daily, in evenings, holds down a job but would drink around 4 cans each night Mon. Tues, Weds, Thurs. then friday will do two pub pints plus 4 cans, Saturday and Sunday 6 cans plus half bottle of red wine each day. Roughly 80 units a week.

i feel lonely too. It’s horrible. If i try to talk to him about it he doesn’t listen and wont accept its the alcohol thats the issue

10 cans a night is insane. I'm quite a drinker but 4/5 cans would have me plastered and I'd only do it on a weekend (no kids). My max on a weeknight would be 2 cans and I only do that if I'm out at an event or something (maybe once a month).

10 cans a night is madness. If it's every night that's full alone alcoholism.

Yeah it’s crazy.

its not every night but he does about 8 cans 5 times a week. Then 10ish on a weekend. If you add it all up it’s absolutely ridiculous.

My ex was an alcoholic. He died this year aged 41 and left so much behind. He was well loved and had a loving child and family but it didn't help him. When we were still together he was drinking cans like this and 60 cans a week is actually 150 units. There are 2.5 units in one can. So its vastly more than being estimated up thread. Its so very sad. Considering the amount of tax government make from alcohol they put bugger all back to stop the devastation it causes to individuals, partners, families, friends, children, NHS and workplaces. It's a disgrace. It make me angry that there is no help for people sliding into alcohol addiction - only charities. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to stop an addiction purely off your own back - especially when you are drunk most if the time! It's impossible. Its wrecking lives. the government do nothing but keep taking the money and encouraging drinking.

Scottishbluee

You have a choice re this man, your child does not. What is actively preventing you from leaving?. Perhaps if you can elobarate more on your fears this may help you. You can only help your own self ultimately.

FillyTilly

I would also urge you to plan your exit. Your DH can hold down a job, well for now anyway, until he does not. What then?. Again you have a choice re this man.

PS apologies for my rant about the 'zero help'. It's just such a sad and impossible situation which leaves you with no option but to separate and watch your husband go downhill. I wish you every strength with this its a shitty choice I had to make too. Focus on, and put all your love into, your children and yourself.

aside from all this he is a good father

He really isn’t.

A good father doesn’t emotionally abandon the mother of his child leaving her in despair feeling lonely, frustrated, preoccupied and unsupported as a parent.

This addiction has already eroded the foundations of your relationship, family life and the emotional quality of your DC childhood.

Your DH cannot be attuned and responsive to the nuanced emotional needs of your child if he is either craving, drunk or hungover - in each of these states he’s “just not there” - the emotional loneliness that you feel is also felt and internalised by your DC. They will be confused and hurt by this but have no way of understanding or articulating it.

This is a progressive disease it will get worse even if he drinks the same amount or even less as his health will fail, his job and relationships will deteriorate over time so his barely “functioning” falls apart.

You are correct not to waste your breath or headspace with words.

He already knows.

Get support for yourself so that you can best raise your DC.

They need at least one fully engaged parent who is confident and happy as a role model. They can’t have this if you are preoccupied and drained with him. You can’t be in two emotional places at once - choose to focus on your DC.

Take quiet actions each day to detach in your head. Get support. Know that this approach is the best for all.

You staying is inadvertently enabling. If you leave he might be shocked to sort himself out. If you stay he will deteriorate to a physical level that he may not be able to turn around - as will the emotional development of your DC.

Have a read of the adult child of alcoholics website to understand the life long impact - you have the power to change this trajectory.

Ignore your family who are dismissive of your concerns. Keep learning and talking to people and organisations that know this area and can help you through it. Know that if he even gets to stopping he needs to be dry for a year at least before you should consider inviting him back in your life. It’s a long road - take yourself and your DC out of this bumpy, messy part as all 3 of you don’t need to have you lives ruined.

He might turn it around. He might not.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best (from a distance, with support).

Put yourself and your child’s immediate needs first in each and every moment. Don’t waste time. Childhood is precious and your DC emotional development is being significantly compromised. You might not see it right now but it will come through in anxious behaviours or chronic MH issues in the teenage years and beyond.

The fact I don’t want to take my son away from his dad. He’s a good father and loves him and except for a weekend he does his drinking after he goes to bed.

Honestly you guys have opened my eyes though. It doesn’t matter that he can function for now. It’s still an addiction. I think I’ve been minimising it because he still very much looks “fine” to people on the outside.

I feel like I owe him a chance to try change? But it sounds like that won’t do anything anyway.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, it’s really hit home.
He must know and he’s choosing to carry on.

I often think what would happen if I wanted to go for drinks with friends (I don’t). That option has been taken away from me as one of us needs to remain sober.

I am mentally detaching myself every day - that’s a really good way of putting it. I’ve noticed myself doing it.

Obviously I am not thinking about other relationships but the idea of being with someone who doesn’t drink like this and actively wants to spend time sober with me is completely alien. And that’s scary to me that I can’t comprehend it.

Hey @sagalooshoe no need to apologise. I think you made an excellent point - HMT makes huge profits from alcohol, & I can't see where any of it is funnelled back into helping people with problematic drinking.

No you were spot on! I agree.

thank you for your kind words

"The fact I don’t want to take my son away from his dad. He’s a good father and loves him and except for a weekend he does his drinking after he goes to bed".

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Your son cannot afford to grow up in such an environment. His alcoholism has already taken him away from his son. Your son could grow up seeing his dad as a drunkard and his mum in completely misery and otherwise preoccupied by her H's drinking. Read also about characteristics of adult children of alcoholics; it makes for sobering reading. Trying to protect your son from all that undercurrent of resentment, fear and loathing whilst you are all living under the same roof is impossible.

Alcoholics do not at all make for being good parental figures. I am sorry but your H's primary relationship remains with drink and not with you nor your son.

I have no doubt your H loves his son but his primary relationship remains with drink and alcohol is a cruel mistress. In your initial post you wrote, " I rarely go out but twice I have come home to find he has had too much to drink and been the sole person responsible for our son. His argument is “he’s asleep it’s fine”.

There are no guarantees re alcoholism; this man could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards. You can only help your own self and your son ultimately.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not.