I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

Woops! My comment came from a place of anguish for OP. I think your understanding of my post is painfully basic! No need for the lecture. I know more than you've assumed 👍

youve received great advice on here. I read the whole thread and was rooting for you throughout. Couldn’t read and run - you come across as a bright, kind and witty person but there are several moments in this thread where you demonstrate that he’s taking a sledgehammer to your self esteem.

you are worth more than this and your daughters are worth more than this. But you know that because you’re clearly an excellent mother.

genuinely wish you all the best. And no, to answer your question earlier upthread, not all men are like this. There’s someone out there who will be worthy of you.

Thank you 🤍

I did this too (contacted the OW). Got me nowhere! Now he has had a stroke and can't speak at all, and I can't see. (AMD) I don't know which way to turn, sometimes!

Way to go OP.
Onward and upward.
It gets better from this point.

This probably won't be any help but I'll bet there are people here on Mumsnet that would be able to track down her husband, social media or not. These two have left you no choice but to involve the husband. She'll lie to him too but liek you, he will become suspicious and start digging.

You cannot be suggesting that OP enlists the help of total strangers in the Internet to help her track down someone's husband. You cannot be. That's literally stalker behaviour.

And she most certainly has a choice about it. And the wiser choice would be to stop deflecting by trying to get revenge, with no thought to any of the potential human cost, and just focus on herself and her own situation.

Would she react if you did one last message.saying you either want to meet or phone just you two. No interference.and you want complete honesty.yoh don't care what that involves you just need to no. If not or you get a wiffof lies you will go straight to her husband.

No my partner came home and said before she left work if he wanted to see what she wrote to me and apparently he said no I'll see when I get home..

I am crying reading this. I am in a very similar position OP and my ‘partner’ of 25 years is currently living in another part of the house. He has been so cruel towards me with constant lies that I have caught him out on, phone episodes etc. He is a completely different person and I wish he would just piss off. I did contact the OW and she denied it also. I think they just got their stories straight. He has almost destroyed me. Sorry this is happening to you also.

You know more than I assumed? 😂
If you knew anything you would not have made such a crass post.

Stop encouraging OP to get OW to react.

She doesn't need OW's reaction.
She needs to disengage.
This is not a soap opera. OP knows what she needs to know already.

That's right, rev up the angst & pointless melodrama ...

Blackmail, and pointless. OP isn't a polygraph machine. If her threat is to go to the husband if she thinks OW is lying to her, OW may as well say whatever is to her own benefit, since OP is only going to be guessing...and as OP already doesn't believe OW when she says nothing happened, what can OW say that will change anything?

Anyway, who cares? None of this is OP's problem. Rather than deflecting and game playing, she needs to concentrate all her energy on herself and her kids.

God this whole thing sounds awful.
What @askmenow said. Go underground and start sorting yourself out. Fly under the radar. So you can get out.

@askmenow at 17:54. What she said.

I'm normally a lurker rather than a poster but I just was to say please do get some legal advice, OP, especially in relation to the family home.

From citizen's advice - www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Owner-occupiers
Living together
A property may be owned in the sole name of one partner or may be owned jointly.
If you are the sole owner, you have a right to stay in the home. However, your partner may be able to claim a 'beneficial interest' in it – see below.
If you are joint owners, you and your partner have equal rights to stay in the home. If you can’t agree what should happen to the home, you can ask the court to decide - for example, they might decide you should sell the home.
If your partner is the sole owner, you may have no rights to remain in the home if you are asked to leave.
If you have children, you can ask a court to transfer the property into your name. The court will only do this if it decides it is in the best interests of your children. It is usually done for a limited period, for example, until your youngest child is 18 years old.
If you don't have children and your partner is the sole owner, the only way you may be able to claim long-term rights to the property is if you are able to show you have a 'beneficial interest' in it. This is a way of getting a court to formally recognise contributions you have made towards the home. The court could also recognise an understanding you had with your ex-partner when you bought the home that you would have a share in it if it were sold. If you are able to prove you have a beneficial interest in the home, you may be able, for example, to get the right to live in the home, prevent your ex-partner from living there or get a share of the proceeds if the home is sold.
You may be able to ask a court to make a decision about who has the right to stay in the home on a short-term basis. This is called an occupation order. You can also apply for an occupation order to allow you to return to the home if you've left. You can apply for an occupation order if you're the sole owner, joint owner, have a beneficial interest or are the partner of a sole owner. However, if you're not the owner or joint owner, you can only apply for certain types of occupation order. An occupation order usually lasts for only a limited period of time.
If you want to claim beneficial interest in your home or apply for an occupation order, you will need to get legal advice about this.
If you’ve experienced domestic violence or abuse, you might have different rights. Read more about domestic violence or abuse.
You can contact your nearest Citizens Advice for help.

For more information, find out what happens to your home when you separate.

Were you married before op, you said you were younger than your partner and this was his second relationship and also yours.
You have children from this previous partnership, did you come to this relationship with any finances from your last ?

You can apply for a homerights notice to go on the register of the house. He will be notified though

@KettrickenSmiled ·

Holy shit!!!!!!!! I hadn't read the entire thread! Oh why oh why do women get to this stage?! 😭 there are ALWAYS EARLIER TELL TALE SIGNS before it ever gets this bad!!!!!!
^Then I suggest you educate yourself @Realtalk2022
Start with "why women victim blame" & then look at Stockholm Syndrome, POW brainwashing, & coercive control.
They are all the same thing.
Do some background reading c/o Womens Aid to find out how women get sucked into coercive relationships & how badly wrong third party perceptions of the dynamic is.^

Then have a word with yourself about your smug fantasy that YOU would always see the earlier telltale signs".@Realtalk2022 .

I was flabbergasted to read all the things he's done too... and yet this cheating is a big deal in comparison.

I don't think it's a smug fantasy to say the pp who said so would always recognise the tell take signs.

I certainly would do and there's no way I would tolerate this treatment. Some people male and female are more prone to be victims of abuse. There's an abuser profile and a victim profile. Abusers are good at spotting those they can abuse. They sniff them out.

I know one such person, who fixated on her partner cheating...yet he kicked her/stomped on her, shoved her head down the toilet and she sees condoms and is all of a sudden threatening to leave... when she should have done long time a@Realtalk2022go when she w

I gave her resources and guidance... told her the impact of witnessing domestic violence on kids and her DC witnessed this, yet it didn't make a difference.

I think looking at the bigger picture op, which is very difficult to do when you're in the throws of devastation is the way to try to elevate yourself above his games.

You know the injustice of this situation, you do not need this ow to lie to you on top of his lies, in fact I would wonder why this older man with children from a previous marriage wanted you.
Do you care for his children at all, you obviously have all the childcare for your shared children whilst he carries on building his empire.

Now you sound intellegent, do you think you have bimboed yourself down to accomodate his needs, his dreams, his life and his independance ? His love bombing at the begining is now being used on someone else by the sounds of it to punish you for maybe daring to have some financial independance of your own, this is not only based on his selfishness but a fear of loss of control over you.

I would wager that this man has narcissitic tendancies and is fearful of you branching out and becoming less dependant on him, I've seen how these men operate, they denegrate, demeen and punish you for not being great earners yet they do not wish you to go out and attain that status at the same time.
That's the paradox and you can't win.
You need to rise above this man and his deranged legal sytem in your home, it's unjust and unfair and I believe you are better than that, he is bringing you down to his level.

I agree with the pp that you may have to play the long game but I do fear for your situation, he is whipping you up into such a paranoid frenzy that I fear you could provoke him into a narc rage and that could endanger you.

Take care, the arguments must be hell at the moment, and if he becomes aggresive call the police and have him taken away. If you wish to tell her husband you should be allowed to do so without fear of aggression.

It is also your right to gain as much support as possible at this time, this man is a cruel, unkind and abusive man that outwardly shows a different face, you have seen his mask fall and that is a dangerous time. I think he's using this woman to punish you (and have a bit of an ego boost at the same time) he clearly doesn't care or fear her husband and I doubt whether he cares for her really, he cares about himself, this though is probably the tip of the iceberg regarding his behaviour.
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and you need a plan to escape eventually.
Get mentally stronger, you will learn to do this through his metering out of pain toward, you, he's a bastard.
Take care

That is a great way to lose custody of her children. Are you her partner?

You do know the number he has sent you won't be her number right? It will be his friends or another phone of his. Seriously OP if you're going to continue to entertain this BS at the very least get much better at spotting it.

Sorry you're going through this. He sounds awful and 100% won't change, sorry to be blunt but I would leave while you still have some dignity.

If I was you I would go to the council, tell them you're being emotionally and financially abused, house is in his name, you have two young kids and you have nowhere to live. Women's aid and Citizens advice will definitely help you. Good luck x

@Wellitjustgetsworse

You really can't rely on answers from her.

It's more about him being honest with you. Whatever gone on you may never know the in and outs of.

This OW been sucked in too. Maybe still believing he run off with her who knows.

But you need to be strong very strong. So do what you feel is best for you and children.

I have been the OW well not really full blown affair. I am also been in relationships where men have cheated As the OW is easy to walk way and leave the mess of a family that you got involved in. But as a wife/partner it's hard to and sometimes your thinking is the children.

It's the man that's the issue in all this. He wants his cake and eat it.

If I was you I definitely get the man to go or leave. I may never have done anything for him to step out but certainly what it was I would say it was enough for you come to me instead you need another person..Go to that person and forget about us.
I wouldn't see a way back especially if he not willing to cut her off.