I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

He still has a financial duty to his children if you decide to leave.

Of course there is a way you just have to look for it. Also who cares if her husband believes it or not. Look what she is doing to you and she doesnt give a damn. At the very least it will cause her a lot of inconvenience and at best will break up her marriage. I'm sorry OP my heart breaks for you but right now you are in shock and very scared and vulnerable however when you can gather yourself please please stop letting them both have control and you take control. Tell her you will find out who her husband is and tell him everything. Some people say that revenge is pointless, but that is usually people who have behaved badly against others. Your partner and the OW have upended your life and they don't give a shit. Start fighting back OP and liberate yourself.

Why do you have to leave with nothing?

Won't he provide for his children?

Only to provide child support and frankly only if he is a PAYE employee.

Not necessarily. If she still has feelings for OP's DP she may be willing to give the details or even embellish in order to try and ensure they break up

Do you know what one of my friends did that and it was the best move she ever made she earns in excess of £70,000 a year, has a marvellous life, toy boy, own house, convertible car and she gets to play the Disney parent with her children every single weekend. he literally only sees them in passing during the week. The poor mother-in-law, granny is basically an unpaid servant. If that’s what granny wants to sign up for I’d bloody well let her.

Disengage. Focus on the children. Tell him you don’t trust him. Stop having sex with him. Tell him your relationship is over. Tell him you and the kids will be staying in house for now. Don’t think about long term just yet just disengage from him and put your energy into you and the kids. Don’t message the OW anymore (waste of time and energy, they’ll both lie). Good luck (I’ve been there, it’s awful but you’ll be fine in time).

He's suggested I go in the past and leave the children as he can provide and has a home.

He’s just callling your bluff op - seeing how far he can push you with veiled threats. Does a man with a high- flying job (and one who likes to muck about with his female clients) want to be lumbered with two pre-schoolers full time? Does he fuck. He’d never get custody of them either unless you had severe drug/alcohol issues and the like. So take no notice of that.

He does have you against a wall and a hard place somewhat with being the homeowner and you being unmarried however it’s for you to decide which is preferable - the rock or the hard place? is a lifetime of doubting your dps fidelity now you know what a liar and generally disgusting person he is worth having a nice house to live in? I’m not being facetious- it’s a genuine dilemma. It will inevitably lead to massive unhappiness and resentment on your part not to mention the mental stress of wondering if he is where he says he is every time he goes out the door which will be a massive head-fuck.

Its a shit situation to be in and you gave some difficult decisions to make 💐

I've been where you are and it's an unhealthy place. You must start disengaging from your husband. He is probably loving the idea of two women fighting over him. Mine did. He even admitted it to me.

Do not believe anything he says. The law, not him, will decide about the house, rights to see the children, money for their care, etc. Also, stop worrying about what his whore of a boss thinks. She's irrelevant. If it wasn't her it would be someone else.

I know that sounds harsh but you must start the process of moving on for your own sanity. See a solicitor ASAP.

I had met up with a guy I went to school with 3 times then found out the idiot was still with his partner so ended it. Anyway she found out some how and confronted me and he basically told me word for word what to say to her. I went along with it as I didn't want the drama.

I know it's a stressful time but you are focusing on him & her. You need to shift the focus to you and your children and what is best for you.

Put a plan in place, get -

1. Legal advice
2. Housing advice
3. Benefits advice

What you need immediately:

1. Counselling
2. A support system
3. Information gathering from a practical perspective - bank statements, pension policies, life cover

What will help you over the longer term:

1. Driving lessons
2. Job search

Final agreement:

1. Child maintenance
2. Children care & visitation
3. Request that he has a life policy with illness benefit where the children are sole beneficiary so that they are not negatively impacted if he can no longer work

Make this about you & your kids - ignore yir partner & his sidekick

Thank you so much for everyone of you for giving me advice and wisdom.

I'm going to move on the top floor and sleep there and just stop engaging with this crap anymore.

Let him think I'll come round and get a job get more security and fucking leave.

You can add to the list them more advice you get & ask things evolve buttry prioritise you now. Others may also have things to add but you will need sort of a plan/list

I have some designer pieces and antiques I could sell be wouldn't even notice.

I won't snoop anymore it doesn't do me any good I know he's a liar and people rarely change when they think they've done nothing wrong.

If I get therapy I'll get it for me. I've emailed a few people so hoping I can have something even over Zoom.

Hearing people who have gone through this really helps.

I would stay and PLAN whilst pretending to play happy families for as long as you can.
You need time to harden your heart and get your head in the right place to prepare.
Tell him you're willing to start afresh and all the while plan your escape.

He's a high earner you say, so make sure while you're being the very sweeeetest person, that he's paying you to care for his children. Tell him you want a regular wage while you retrain or update given your career has taken a back seat to his.

If that doesn't work, get a cleaner, childcare, nursery or whatever, he's paying and you take yourself off and get a job, any job.

Don't challenge him, play the.... long game, squirrel away cash for your futures in a hidden bank account.
I would take him to the f...king cleaners but do it surreptitiously.

Make paper records and copies of any bank accounts /transactions and keep them outside the house with a friend or family.

Research extensively what others in this situation have done. And delete all your browsing history.

You need to deaden your heart against him!
You will feel so much better doing this as you gain self esteem through control.

He is probably loving the idea of two women fighting over him

This. Mine even tried to enlist my sympathy for OW because when she left HER husband to be with MY husband her father refused to talk to her - that was awful, apparently, and I should feel sorry for her. Not to mention that 'oh she can understand why you get a bit fed up with me, oooh look, you're on the same side!' type comments.

Yeah I just know she would if at least shown him the messages in person considering they were working together today with not many people around..

She took so long to respond even if all innocent you would be like hey why's your partner messaging me but apparently she's not even brought it up.

Of course not..

Good! Turn the tables. Give yourself a bit of time out. Things will fall into place eventually. Even if you don’t feel strong, act strong and soon you’ll feel stronger. Trust me.

This is what I'm going to do. I cry less each time something happens now I'm almost numb to it to an extent it hurts but more the fear of what I have to do now.

Let him think I'll come round and get a job get more security and fucking leave

Well, why wouldn't you get a job anyway?

And leave, anyway?

I really don't understand why you are dragging this out. You've made some really bad decisions (no financial security) then he's shown himself to be an absolute cheating shit and you're still there? What do you expect to happen?

Sorry you are going through this, but pull yourself together.

Do you not think she will have told him every little detail of your conversations?

Careful OP, don't drive yourself insane with this man. Have you heard of the Elizabeth Broderick case? It's a cautionary tale for both the cheater, the mistress and the wife. There is a film on Netflix about it. It's also an episode on "Deadly Women". Sorry I don't know why your thread made me think of that case, but he also gaslit her and called her crazy for suspecting he could cheat whereas he blatantly was - to the point where it drove her insane and she snapped.

I am very sorry for your situation but please don’t use womens aid or take up a space in a womens refuge if you don’t really need it.

These resources are meant to be for women who are being abused and not just because they’ve been cheated on.

There are only X amount of spaces, resources and money and using them will stop another women from being able to use them.

Probably.

Got to stop caring though I was hoping she would say something that would help but can see now they are only going to hide and lie together. She's not single married with more kids than me..

Why would she tell me the truth? Nothing for her to gain and potential I somehow tell her husband who probably wouldn't be too happy he's been paying my partner for past year to basically get close to his wife. Double.blow for that guy for sure..

To people saying pull myself together I totally agree.