Polly and her Dollies are counting down to Christmas

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Hello my lovelies

Is this going to be the thread where I finally get divorced? Will my Ring of Fabulousness ever be worn? Will the Divorce Tattinger be drunk?

I bloody well hope so. It's been a very long time coming.

Here we are again. In the main headline news... I'm still not fucking divorced from Geller. I've had to sign an affidavit for the absolute application to say yes, I want to proceed, because it's taken so bloody long.

The Dollies are amazing, brilliant and pains in the bum in equal measures I can't believe how much they're growing up. For Christmas they want to learn how to make me a cup of tea for my present. I'll take that. DD1 hasn't had a good couple of weeks, not helped by me having a whole load of work done in the house so things here have been a bit chaotic. DD2 has been off school poorly with D&V, poor little mite.

Geller remains an eejit who is unable to put the Dollies first. The shenanigans have been unbelievable and of true Geller quality levels. I am rising above. And doing a lot of deep breathing. My parents have now moved house and my mother is being her usual self. I've distanced myself quite a bit. I did help them out for a day but that's it.

I'm becoming addicted to exercise again and have graduated to the fast lane in the swimming pool, hurrah. I've survived several spin classes and even treated myself to a new pair of trainers. My gardening is coming on nicely (I'm very good in autumn with slash and burn, I can do destruction) and I've now got my new shed up.

Work is insanely busy and I'm on the edge of a new possibility which will, if it comes off, be life changing for me and the Dollies in terms of security. It's going to be a crazy few months but I'll give it all I've got.

I haven't heard from Westley since I threw my toys out of the pram with him wanting to still be friends and message me randomly - no. I'm too good for breadcrumbing and I've got enough friends, thank you. I'm not dating, not planning on dating and finally feel like I'm starting to move on. But it's not a priority for me right now, although I do really miss cuddles. And sex!

Perhaps most excitingly, today I am trialling a new foundation. It's supposed to be a dupe of Estee Lauder's Double Wear, which I love, but I just can't justify the cost of for everyday wear.

As ever, if you're still following me, thank you. Without MN and you all I wouldn't be where I am today.

Yes indeed

@Mix56 you are a very nice person! 💐

Thanks for the update Polly, I feel like I've lived this year with you and I was so hoping you'd be Geller-less going into 2023.

Sending you HUGE hug @Mix56. You're in a tough spot but you are a strong person and will get through this stronger. Take care of YOU in all this. 🌹

@Mix56 I'm so sorry you're facing this and I will hope for him to make a good recovery. A personality change won't be likely I don't think.

As a long time married myself (30+ years) I will say that I tend to be with @RandomMess when she said "in sickness and health with a selfish, nasty spouse - erm maybe not!".

I'm not saying to dump him at the airport, but I am saying that you do have the right to at least live 'peaceably'. In sickness and in health is a two part vow. He promised to love and cherish you 'in health' and it sounds to me as if perhaps he hasn't kept that part of his vows. Don't throw away your own mental health and happiness for someone who has created unhappiness for you. I wouldn't.

Happy Sunday everyone.

@Mix56 how are you? Been thinking of you.

it’s been a steller week for Geller. He really is an absolute fuckwit. I’m just exhausted by him. School are fed up with him. My insomnia is back and I don’t have time for his ridiculousness. But it’s massively impacting DD1 so I need to sort it out.

I can’t even be bothered to précis it. Here’s Friday’s exchange.

From him, having had them overnight:

School run was fine. DD1 read, reluctantly, twice. She’s taken wellies and waterproofs in. Can you try and ensure they come out this afternoon and back here. I know DD1 will need to take them in again next Friday, but equally I don’t want to lose the home wellies to school. I’m trying to make her responsible for what goes in and comes out.

We absolutely need to talk about this situation, as it’s not good for anyone.
Additionally, I think we both need to meet school about her. Personally, I think she’s getting worse. Everything was fine here yesterday, but she got very distressed with her hair at bedtime last night. It’s endless trigger stuff like this. There’s no cure, but I think we need help and we need to set some realistic goals.

I replied

I can’t help you deal with her when I’m not there.

You can’t outsource this. You need to take actions to deal with your daughter that you think is right. And that works for her.

I repeat my offer from the other week about the rest of this term. If she is getting that distressed it’s no good for anyone.

he replied

Well you misunderstood all of that. I dealt with it fine and all has been fine. I’m simply stating what I observe and which I know happens at yours too. And that forms the basis of how together we talk to school and others.

I’m totally lost with this parental relationship with you.

I’d welcome a conversation with you on tutoring and schools, but it’s pointless if you don’t respect how I parent them. I was simply observing. The situation was handled. But I know for a fact you encounter the same, so I could also suggest you’re too busy and they stay with me to Xmas. So let’s recognise this is an issue we both encounter. My focus is on looking after them both.

I replied - having lost my shit because I am fed up with it being turned around on me:

The girls are my absolute focus in life and I will never be too busy for them. DD1 does not need to be ‘cured’ because there is nothing wrong with her. She needs understanding and support not negativity. She is growing up and changing and each new landmark towards maturity comes with a slight change in the way she presents.

I am perfectly happy to meet with whomever however the ultimate responsibility is mine and yours and I am trying my hardest to be the parent she needs me to be. I am accessing help, I am reading books, I am attending webinars, chasing the consultant for her psychology referral and school can do none of those things. I am doing what the consultant asked of me, which is to become an expert in DD1.

My goal, as I have said several times is to get her, and DD2, into a school that will nurture their talents and help them make the most of what they can offer the world whilst supporting them in having a fulfilling academic, extracurricular and social life.

I am willing to talk about schools - I was the one who said to you last night we need to talk about it - but not if it’s going to turn into a drama and a negativity session.

he’s responded with a list of dates and times in the working week when he can speak. I’m so drained by all this. As a friend has said to me, I’m not Co-parenting. I’m parenting all of them. Why does he need my validation, I don’t need to know his observations, it makes no difference if I send him a short two word response or a lengthy tome. School aren’t going to fix her for heavens sake! He just wants someone to tell him what to do and that isn’t me. I’m done.

as ever, friends in my phone, opinions welcome. Oh, and of course, no news on the divorce. I’m hoping my solicitor has filed for absolute but who knows.

How about this:-

I have deliberately chosen not to rise to your many attempts to provoke an emotional response from me in an attempt to provide the impression that we are amicable and co-parenting as I believed that was in the best interests of our daughters.

As your emails have shown, you have proven yourself to be utterly disinterested in learning what your daughter needs, only about complaining about how she affects your life when she does not fit into your mould of what you believe an “ideal” or “typical” child should be. You stated “We need help” while insisting that “we” need to consult the school to deal with the issues that ONLY YOU have with her at your home. When told that I alone HAVE consulted specialists, the school, and become the “expert on her”, you claimed that I misunderstood your very clearly worded email.

You have not consulted with specialists, GP’s or even thought to consider the normal hormonal processes that girls go through as they grow up.

Co-Parenting does not involve me doing all of this work to have you reject and undermine it when our child is at your home. Co-Parenting is not minimising the efforts of the other when you do not get the answers you want.

I have been trying to make this very clear in my emails and with my personal boundaries, but it is abundantly clear that I am also going to have to spell this out to you.

Co-Parenting is not me validating every thought that comes into your head or parenting YOU.

STEP UP AND PUT YOUR DAUGHTER’S NEEDS FIRST.

Oops, pressed send first…. OR….
(And probably better in the long run…)

I would also suggest that as you are yet to divorce, you are more than adequately armed with evidence and not afraid to step in and prove that he is an unfit parent. This would involve a significant dent in his finances when it comes to paying CM, etc.

^^ That's a fantastic answer!

I am sorry, Polly he is beyond frustrating.

I hope you will sleep better this week.

I like the second, but no point in aggravating him further.
How about...
"I am sourcing all the help recommended by the consultant, I suggest you do the same.
The school are doing their part.
It appears the only one who is flailing about is you.
I am not here to coach you & provide instant solutions for you to parent your daughter/s adequately
The school aren't in your home to micromanage you through parenting
You are the adult, the parent, the example, step up.

Re H, moved to reeducation unit... slightly nearer home so adieu the 5 hour daily trip... now its only 4 !!
H improves in tiny ways.. I see my life slipping away

Polly I have no suggestions tbh

If you are managing DD1 why do we need to meet with the school? Do you need a pat on the head and validation that you are being a good Dad?

Perhaps spell out you know what this communication about - his validation and wanting you to parent him and tell that isn't your role as his Ex.

Regarding future schools I wouldn't meet, I would do your research, decide which you think is best for each and state that is what you think and let him spend hours arguing with you and just reply "don't agree".

@Mix56 don't feel guilted into staying. My time on the stroke ward (no visitors thanks to Covid) was very distressing and no I wouldn't care for someone I did love still in that kind of state. More to the point if they weren't pushing themselves to improve just forget it.

He will get better care and support if you aren't there to do it all. Do you think it's affected who he is at all? A few had become very aggressive and angry, so ver bloody sad

I don't recall what the difference in opinion was over schools, but imagine its probably him wanting the closest one so pickup/drop off are as little effort for him as possible. As pp says I would make a list for each school, decide which is best for the girls and go with that, he can't be trusted to put them first.

What an arse. But what I think you need to remember is that it doesn't matter what you say, it will be wrong unless it benefits him. Not the Dollies. Him. I know it's frustrating, but you have to see it in the light of his complete self-absorption and then be able to discount it, totally, to the point where it no longer gets inside your head. Kinda like bird poo. It lands on your head, but as bad as that is, you know it'll wash off.

KOKO. You've got this and the Dollies are thriving.

He's another one of those who can't handle adapting to the fact that one of his DC is ND. It's pathetic.

Has he ever been assessed for ASD? His inflexibility, lack of empathy, rigid thinking etc is suggestive.

And it has a genetic component, so...

His messages are so irritating (even to a perfect stranger).

I do think he is enjoying provoking a response from you though - even a negative one. (A 'parental relationship' works for him.)

I don't think this is 'co-parenting'. Your friend is right; you are being asked to parent three.

Perhaps - for mental health and strength - divide parenting at his house from parenting at yours. Children can (eventially) be ok about having school behavour/expectations and home ones that differ (completely in many cases). Knowing what to expect in which space is the important thing.

On his pin-pricking texts:
Perhaps put new messages in a 'cooler' and read them slightly out-of-date. (I assume he would actually ring about anything important while they are with him.)

When (if) you feel you have to reply:
Have a set of stock responses to choose from.
Ignore any comments that are irrelevant to you.
Give yourself an entertainingly small word limit.

You have dealt with the worst of all this. Better days are ahead.

Just start replying with one word
Noted

I just ❤that analogy! He's coming across very much like bird poo that lands on your head!!! 😆

I like the idea of just replying 'Noted'. Will drive him insane.

Gosh, he's the (awful) gift that just keeps giving isn't he?

I'd be tempted to confirm which pf his options suit you and to let you know when he's made the appointment with the school. You just know he expects you to set up a meeting with the school.

Otherwise, for his comments on DD getting worse, and getting help I think you should get a stock answer "I'm not experiencing the same degree of issues you describe with DD. Educating yourself on managing her condition is something you need to do yourself.I want to co-parent, in order for that to work you need to start parenting effectively and that begins with understanding DD and her diagnosis".

You deserve a medal .

This is a good message to him. I would be tempted like this PP says to make it a stock response. Maybe preface with 'As mentioned,' / 'As I said,' etc in following messages.

I usually love the response 'noted' but I fear Geller is so unbelievably pompous he will take that word to mean 'I'm noting that down and will do what you've suggested, as you're right'.

God he's an insufferable twat.

Perhaps you need to reply more like;

If you are managing the DDs ok then there is nothing to report or discuss with me or the school, no one needs a medal or validation for coping with their DC. If you are not managing then I suggest you read xyz and do course abc as I don't have these issues with the DDs.

I'm struggling to understand what he wants, he says he is managing yet whines about her behaviour.

God Polly, what a PITA he is! I like the suggestion from @RandomMess . And then don't engage next time he pointlessly pontificates. Just ignore.