Social services have taken my Nephew

[socialserviceshelpplease]

DN is almost 11, he has been taken out of my sisters care because of serious neglect and abuse spanning over his whole life.

There is going to be a court case on Monday and I don't know what to do, what to expect. Will he be there? Will his parents be there?

Everything that's come out is pretty horrific and he isn't taking it well. He is staying between a few family members and has been for a few weeks but it's been deemed very likely that he can't go home ever and they have asked whoever can to do some sort of Fostering assessment?

My mind is blown and I cant process anything. I'm googling but it's all quite long winded and I'm not sure what type of assessment or even what type of court case there will be.

We will also be having mediation (I think) where my nephew will be seeing his parents through an outside party rather than through me or family members. We have asked for this because sis and bils behaviour is difficult and they have taken him forcefully before and we almost lost the chance to have him back.

I won't be even able to have him as I have my own children and his behaviour is putting my own kids at risk of serious harm.
My other sister is considering it (but she works and there are a hundred other factors) she is saying she will put her life on hold but it will likely cost her her career (overseas, lots of travel)
I just don't know what to do or what to even ask the social worker (who is being quite vague, to the point I don't even know what to Google to get the correct type of court proceedings info or anything really) and it's really hard to get hold of the sw anyway.

We will be having a quick chat for questions hopefully tomorrow, maybe Monday and i just want to ask here first so I have an idea of the questions I need to ask.

For example if the aunties can't have him, will he go to a Foster carer or a care home?
What happens if the assessment/ application is rejected?
How will we pay for his food/ bus pass/ other expenses?
Can we say no to the parents visiting property if their child lives there?

Just to add, nephew is a wonderful child. He us funny and kind but he has been so damaged and he doesn't know whether he is coming or going. His behaviour has been quite bad before but recently he is being violent and just unmanageable and it's all such a big mess.

has anyone gone through this? or known someone who has? does it get better?
what is best?

If you foster him there is financial support, at his age he is unlikely to be adopted our long term fostered outside of the family, especially sure to his (quite understandable) behavioural issues. I only say this through work experience, not as any type of judgement. I would also say I've seen a lot of family foster of teen/ish age children break down as the family don't know what they're getting into with a child who has experienced so much trauma, it's incredibly hard work. It's hard to advise without knowing the detail, and I'm not asking for any. To get to this stage at his age in particular, it must've been really really bad at home for him. Are there wider family members eg grandparents and your sister can play a big part without giving up her work?

Court the parents will be there if they turn up, at his age he won't, he'll be represented. If the outcome is removal from their care that happens with immediate effect, although provision would be made to collect his belongings etc

Even if kinship care is an option there may be restrictions on contact with his parents which could cause internal rifts in the family.

Sound tough OP. How did it get so bad without family intervening sooner though? I’d move heaven and earth to help.

No wonder he’s lashing out. 11 years and all he’s known is abuse and neglect. He’s going to need a lot of therapy and counselling to undo all of that.

I would not suggest a care home for him they are horrible placed and devoid of the nurturing he will need.

If no one in the family can have him foster care would be better. However there is a massive shortage.

If he stays with one of you, financial help will be available.,

And yes so question about parents contact. As pp pointed out this could cause internal friction, however personally I wouldn’t care as long he was kept away from his abusers. Anyone who disagreed would be told to stick it. But I also understand this is difficult for families to do.

I’m afraid I can’t help but I do know of a family where the grandparents had some type of special guardianship of their grandchild and they didn’t receive much in the way of financial support so I’d check that carefully as whilst in an ideal world money doesn’t matter, it of course does.

Also know someone who got screwed over financially with special guardianship. They had to go down the benefit route and loans to try and cover costs. Plus other family members helping out financially and with getting the child basics like bed and clothing (parent destroyed the few things the child had).

With all the cutbacks to social services they might not be able to fund him.

Completely forgot about these guardianships.

There is a fostering/adoption board which maybe more helpful.

Kinship carers don’t get the same financial support as foster carers.

If he goes to a foster placement or care home will depend on placement availability.

OP I have direct family this happened to. If no aunt can take the child, they will try to place the child with a foster family, but if the child is older, it will be difficult to find one, especially if the child is traumatised and has behavioural problems. At this point they will end up in a children's home.

At a children's home, the staff don't discipline the children at all, or have any consequences for anything. They just call the police every time a child misbehaves e.g. doesn't come home on time or locks themself in their room.

The child in our family quickly got a criminal record. And that child WAS being fostered by an aunt in the end but was in the children's home while social services sorted everything out because initially the aunt didn't want the child. The child thrived with her aunt, sorted out her behaviour, and finished school (just about) and now holds down a job.

What a terrible thing to happen to that poor child.

If your sister is willing to step in, then I would move heaven and earth to help and support her. Offering solid practical help. Could you offer to have him once or twice a week after school, maybe weekends to help out as much as you possibly can? You could do so in a way that protects your children. Take him to a sports club, counselling etc. Your sister may well be able to take compassionate leave whilst she works out how she could continue to work in some capacity.

He is 11 - it is vital his family step in now and make an already difficult situation for him at least bearable. He is also getting older so the issue won't be as long or as acute if he were 2 or 3. He will be much more independent soon, and once he is getting professional help, possibly a more settle home life his behaviour may well drastically improve. He will be very very frightened hence the poor behaviour, but that could change when he is out of danger. So sad for all of you, but especially the child. Do whatever you can op.

I would look at the kinship care website; very helpful

I’m a social worker if there’s anything specific you want to know?

My friend adopted a 4 yr old and it was phenomenally difficult as the poor child had been abused and neglected.
The damage wrought to the poor child by the birth parents was incalculable.

Damage goes very deep.

Your Nephew will be extremely damaged and will be tricky to care for especially as he is now violent.

There are no easy solutions.

Terrible attachment disorder is a real issue with children who have been let down by birth parents, but violence adds a whole other dimension.

Perhaps very experienced foster family might be best?

Agree with all you have written.

There used to be a very good foster family where we lived, and they had every window broken in their home several times over.

They used to take very difficult teenagers, and were good people, strong, patient and firm but kind, and completely unflappable.

Attachment disorder, trauma, it is heartbreaking.

Don't have the answers for you, but feeling so bad for your little nephew - already gone through terrible abuse by his parents and now none of his family seems to really want him. Your sister saying she'll put her life on hold but it'll cost her entire career...if she really cared about her nephew she wouldn'tbe treating him as this massive inconvenience and "sacrifice". She would have just stepped in. You say you worry about your own children if you took him in, but have you really spent time together properly to know his issues?
Because it sounds like none of you were really part of his life, and if you were why did you not try to intervene and get him to a safe place much earlier

Poor child. How terrible.

@Venetiaparties · Today 18:10

''It is vital his family step in now and make an already difficult situation for him at least bearable.''

The issue with that is the family either did not spot the abuse or did nothing for 11 years....which is hardly going to be in their favour if a relative wants to step up to take on this poor child.

So the authorities will be very careful before they even consider place him back in that environment, especially to prevent the parents from trying to try to get back into his life without supervision if he is placed with another relative.

With all due respect... Have you seen the level of damage that is done to children who have experienced serious neglect and abuse?

They don't settle sweetly and gratefully into a new family situation, the actual wiring of the brain seems to change from the chaos and hurt that they have endured.

As @RewildingAmbridge says, it is not an easy option to be placed with a family member who has no experience of how to deal with extremely damaged children.

Even though it’s slightly different, I’d encourage you to read that thread below. It will give you an idea of much support (or rather little) support your sister might get.
It also talk about the different type if fostering which could help with your googling/research
www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/4668848-been-asked-to-foster-step-daughters-sister?page=2&reply=121401139

Please do not let this child end up in the system x keep him in your family x

Weep for children like this.
If only people needed a licence as to their suitability before being able to procreate.

My post will likely be taken down, but it is awful that children have to suffer the pain and chaos and fear of grossly unsuitable parent/s

It's been hard, social services have put him on child protection plans several times but they have always done just enough to get him back.
This time they haven't.

Me and my sisters have made several reports over his whole lifetime, everything has been basically not enough to remove him.

if this had happened 5 years ago (it was bad enough then) He would have had a chance at a normal life but he is so so so damaged. He has seen more than I have as a grown woman.

I am worried about family relations. There is already a 'bils fault' vs 'sis fault' divide but bil and sis are absolutely so far gone, they don't even seem upset. They think we have all stitched them up.

Not Everything has been reported properly, not everything has been followed through properly. It's certainly a case of this poor little lamb falling through the cracks and I'm absolutely livid that he's been let down by everyone.
Including me. I should have been reporting every day. The squeaky wheel and all that.

I'm a special guardian to my niece and nephew.
Be careful - if your nephew hasn't been in care this could be deemed by ss as a family arrangement which would leave you unable to access support. Financial or otherwise.
If they say fostering that's a good sign. He will be able to access much more support as a looked after child.
The impact of neglect and abuse on children is huge. I am still picking up the pieces 5 years on and expect to be for many years yet. Good look to your family x

I have absolutely zilch in the way of experience or knowledge - but it sounds to me that, unless the family is prepared to disown your DSis and BIL, he shouldn't be permanently looked after by a family member. An experienced foster carer would be the best bet - with them facilitating an ongoing relationship with you and the rest of his family (minus parents). But I know that foster carers are hardly 10 a penny - particularly those who have experience of troubled teens I would imagine.

My heart breaks for the poor mite - his childhood so far sounds as though it has been utterly hellish.