Social services have taken my Nephew

[socialserviceshelpplease]

DN is almost 11, he has been taken out of my sisters care because of serious neglect and abuse spanning over his whole life.

There is going to be a court case on Monday and I don't know what to do, what to expect. Will he be there? Will his parents be there?

Everything that's come out is pretty horrific and he isn't taking it well. He is staying between a few family members and has been for a few weeks but it's been deemed very likely that he can't go home ever and they have asked whoever can to do some sort of Fostering assessment?

My mind is blown and I cant process anything. I'm googling but it's all quite long winded and I'm not sure what type of assessment or even what type of court case there will be.

We will also be having mediation (I think) where my nephew will be seeing his parents through an outside party rather than through me or family members. We have asked for this because sis and bils behaviour is difficult and they have taken him forcefully before and we almost lost the chance to have him back.

I won't be even able to have him as I have my own children and his behaviour is putting my own kids at risk of serious harm.
My other sister is considering it (but she works and there are a hundred other factors) she is saying she will put her life on hold but it will likely cost her her career (overseas, lots of travel)
I just don't know what to do or what to even ask the social worker (who is being quite vague, to the point I don't even know what to Google to get the correct type of court proceedings info or anything really) and it's really hard to get hold of the sw anyway.

We will be having a quick chat for questions hopefully tomorrow, maybe Monday and i just want to ask here first so I have an idea of the questions I need to ask.

For example if the aunties can't have him, will he go to a Foster carer or a care home?
What happens if the assessment/ application is rejected?
How will we pay for his food/ bus pass/ other expenses?
Can we say no to the parents visiting property if their child lives there?

Amazing yourself! Exactly that, the past may have been rubbish but we have the future for ourselves. I just want to try and do what I can go try make it a bit easier on those still in the system, it's so hard though. Even small things like posting on here etc can help if people are prepared to listen.

@binglebangle567 yeah I get that, I did think after I posted it was a but pointless so apologies for that.

I do care about people feeling lonely though, I've been there and its awful. But...i put my caring to use and I work with age concern and am a befriender and I have an old gentleman I go and visit, do his shopping, take him to the doctors etc. So not pointless lip service really as I do try to make a difference although I completely appreciate it is a small piss in a very big pot.

But there is evidence out there that people care.a big part of your Illness will be that it won’t allow you to see this either.and that you feel so low that you can’t see a way out or how or even have the energy to do so. There are families and friends that kee each other alive.
I will always hold out hope there could be for you too.whether you can have that hope for yourself I do not know. But I’ve seen it.I’ve witnessed it.what you say doesn’t exist I’ve seen it.
does anything make your day bearable?has anything ever helped?
what gets you through each day?

You have no idea what you are talking about. You can not 'choose' a 'secure' children's home or unit- they are for the most damaged/vulnerable children who ate at the unplaceable end of the system and who will have, most likely, exhausted every other option and been assessed over years as requiring the most significant level of interventions -which will not have worked. They cost a fortune, are few and far between across the country and the chances of this child being placed in one are miniscule.

Jesus Christ you literally do everything before getting a child to go to one of these places.fuck people have no idea.

That is what I said.

I hear everything you say.and I’m sorry you feel so alone.
but by being on this board a few minutes you have now had a few people instantly care about you.there’s a reason for that.there’s a hope in that.
do you manage to go out,job,social. Because also people being able to care for you is also about them actually needing to meet you.

I think it's probably for the best that he is taken into care.
If none of the family have done anything before now, they're hardly going to be the best hope for him now.

Of course you can. I wouldn't allow my niece or nephew to go to a home where they are abused.

Your not abducting a bloody child off the street!! Thanks

Ignore the "thanks"

Yes, and also people can only care if you let them.

I wasn’t in any way implying it was your fault and I’m sorry if I’ve caused offence.

A friend is a lawyer for parents whose children are being taken into care. Three of her current cases are the parents of teenage boys who are a danger to themselves and others. All three are supposed to be in secure accommodation, all three are in unregulated placements, where no-one can prevent them leaving and where the staff do not have the skills to help them.

She was in a meeting a week or so ago with the LA lawyer, who said that for every secure place that becomes available there are 35-40 applicants. ALL of whom meet the high threshold of behaviour that qualifies them for a secure placement.

OP, don't be guilt tripped into taking in your nephew, for all the reasons other posters have given. I am an adoptive parent, and it is very tough. It is also very rewarding, but I didn't have other children to be damaged by the experience. My mental health has been affected, and that is the case with many adopters I know. It is damaging to continue day in, day out for years to be warm, loving and nurturing to someone who responds with hostility and violence, no matter how much you know why they are responding in that way.

Having a consistent, caring extended family that don't have to manage the day to day care could be the best thing for your nephew. Visit regularly, celebrate their special days and successes, go to meetings and challenge the decision makers if necessary to do the best for him. Use your time and energy to the maximum impact in his life. That is probably not becoming his full-time carer.

Exactly. So for someone to say 'Put him in' one of these units is ludicrous and says they have no idea how they work. Yes, they have a range of specialists working in them but they are not for children like this poor boy. This boy and many others like him are failed by our current systems at every single level- social services, health, mental health, care and education. Their outcomes are worse than other children with similar abilities throughout their lives.

I haven't ever been in care, but had early loss/violence as a child.

A lovely young colleague had been in 'Care'.

He had suffered the very worst kind of abuse it was possible to suffer, and as a little boy, he thought it was ''Normal'' as he had nothing to compare it with.

Of course, as he grew older, the anger and rage surfaced, and he turned to substances.

I used to ride with him sometimes, and he was great with horses, very empathetic {Feel my eyes filling with tears as he 'Adopted' a horse called 'Belle'...Not his horse, unfortunately...

Anyway... our paths diverged, but a few years later, I bumped into an ex colleague who knew him, and asked ''How's X?''

She looked shocked, and said ''Oh, don't you know? He died''
I am crying typing this.

Despite having a {Dysfunctional} relationship with a damaged girl and very young DC he died.

So utterly sad and ghastly. If only he could have had effective counselling, but as all abused people know..the visions and memories can come back, and with it the feeling of revulsion and worthlessness.

Breaking the cycle of neglect and abuse is so important, but how does one do that?

I would also say though this could be the case for biological families.shitbhapoens.trauma,illnesses etc and they can result in symptoms of the same or similar. And so within a family it can and is supported.when you have to look after that person it can be harrowing but it is done and not just with adopted or fostered in families.
mots also not pressure to take him in.but it can be the best thing. And it’s not right to sugar coat the life he might have if he is taken into the wrong care system