Social services have taken my Nephew

[socialserviceshelpplease]

DN is almost 11, he has been taken out of my sisters care because of serious neglect and abuse spanning over his whole life.

There is going to be a court case on Monday and I don't know what to do, what to expect. Will he be there? Will his parents be there?

Everything that's come out is pretty horrific and he isn't taking it well. He is staying between a few family members and has been for a few weeks but it's been deemed very likely that he can't go home ever and they have asked whoever can to do some sort of Fostering assessment?

My mind is blown and I cant process anything. I'm googling but it's all quite long winded and I'm not sure what type of assessment or even what type of court case there will be.

We will also be having mediation (I think) where my nephew will be seeing his parents through an outside party rather than through me or family members. We have asked for this because sis and bils behaviour is difficult and they have taken him forcefully before and we almost lost the chance to have him back.

I won't be even able to have him as I have my own children and his behaviour is putting my own kids at risk of serious harm.
My other sister is considering it (but she works and there are a hundred other factors) she is saying she will put her life on hold but it will likely cost her her career (overseas, lots of travel)
I just don't know what to do or what to even ask the social worker (who is being quite vague, to the point I don't even know what to Google to get the correct type of court proceedings info or anything really) and it's really hard to get hold of the sw anyway.

We will be having a quick chat for questions hopefully tomorrow, maybe Monday and i just want to ask here first so I have an idea of the questions I need to ask.

For example if the aunties can't have him, will he go to a Foster carer or a care home?
What happens if the assessment/ application is rejected?
How will we pay for his food/ bus pass/ other expenses?
Can we say no to the parents visiting property if their child lives there?

@LadyFushia Wonderful post- Love definitely isn’t enough with very damage and traumatised children.

The fact of someone being able to tell “ The child’s story’” is so poignant.

I knew of two children from a toxic home whose aunt took them. She and her husband are both wise and strong people but it put a huge strain on them. However it did transform the boys’ life. Good luck to your nephew.

Heartbreaking situation, I hope your nephew will heal in time.

I’m sorry this has happened. Sounds like a horrific situation for everyone involved. I’d recommend looking up the Family Rights Group. There’s lots of useful information on their website https://frg.org.uk/

This.

You must make sure they put everything in place so that there is ongoing support (financial and support for your nephew). He needs to be a looked after child or they’ll simply leave you all too it as soon as they can.

Poor little love. I’d move heaven and earth to keep him if it was my sister who was abusing him. I couldn’t see my nephew adopted or in care or whatever. I can’t understand how people can act like this abusing children😞

Op, I truly believe you don't need to be your nephew's primary carer to help him.

In your position I would make it clear that whoever he lives with, you want to be part of his life, take him swimming, to the cinema, see him on his birthday etc.

Just seeing you with your kids will help model a normal loving family so that he begins to make choices about his future.

I was raised by fucked up, cruel people but my best friend's family let me spend lots of time with them and I learnt how a family should be.

I left home and made all the mistakes anyone could buy in the back of my mind was that model and I eventually achieved it for myself.

Sister A (the one who wants to take him on forever) has been taking him to school for sister C (mother) until a couple years ago when her work schedule changed and she had to move closer to work, so she was no longer able to take him. Since then his attendance has been shocking but how could we know? We call and check in and are lied to. the school can't tell us (non parent) if he's attended or not.

other than babysitting and visiting and reporting to social services and the school there wasn't much we could do. this is the third or fourth child protection plan (that we sisters know about)

sister B isn't an option, and me and my partner tried a couple of over nights and nephew just gets too distressed. He wants to be with sister.

Sister C (mother) had been on a bad path for a long time but her partner was still parenting (and working) Things were bad not devastating. But bad.
Over the years things got progressively worse, Bil (father) kept up appearances but now he's completely lost the plot. Neither have contacted their son. They are burying their heads in the sand.

About 4/5 years ago there was a meeting and before the meeting all of the family called the social worker and reported everything. Historic and current. We weren't invited to the meeting, sister c gave us false details and then admitted the meeting had been and gone, case closed.

We reported again a few times and a home visit (planned so they could tidy up and prepare), bang. case closed.

We honestly all tried.
Cooked for them, lent money, helped clean.
I used to go there and help tidy up all the time.
Days out. Just going cooking dinner.

We did.

I even tried to show the social worker video evidence, she made me feel like a lunatic.

thank you to everyone for your nice helpful comments, and to the rest? How nasty to kick a person while they are down.
and to the poor people who have suffered such abuse, I am so sorry

It’s important though that family members who can’t do it, be that physically financially or because of their own children, are honest with themselves, the social workers and the rest of the family.

A broken down placement in 2/4/6/12 months is the very last thing needed. People need to be realistic about their capabilities during this process.

That is completely unfair. You have no right to try and guilt trip the OP like this. Previous posters are correct, there is precious little help for kinship carers. I'm not just talking financially either, there's no emotional or practical support either.

Shame on you.

My DN's were removed from their mothers care. My DB got full custody.

They never had to face her in court but did video links/one to one recorded conversations.

Some of the SW's were awful and were more for the poor DN's to stay with their mum as they deemed that every child should be with their mother.

Luckily enough the judge saw right through their BS and the nasty lies she was telling and couldn't back up.

Now they're older and they have very limited contact with her. One of them feels sorry for her which makes me feel sorry for them.

I was chosen to take the DN's in if all else failed and honestly I would in a heartbeat. I couldn't see them go into care. I know everyone's situation is different and you have to do the best you can.

I hope in time the poor boy gets appropriate help and can live his life as a child which he has missed out on. Poor boy x

My husband and I have been through this experience with our nephews since around May last year so I can help answer some questions from real experience. Sorry if people have already stated what I'm about to write.

Your nephew won't be at court but will have a social work representative there as hell now be in the legal care of the state. The parents may be there if they show.

The upcoming court date will be one of MANY and is likely just to decide where his immediate (temporary) care will be. Our family members had them every month at one point.

Social services encourage all possible family members to do an assessment but it will take AGES. Ours took a year despite us constantly encouraging them to speed up. They just don't have the resources to hurry up with the lack of staff and very high number of children needing help.

The assessment is incredibly in depth. My husband and I had long in depth chats on our own and as a couple with a social worker, in person, on the phone and as a video call. I didn't have a traumatic childhood and they were emotionally exhausting for me. They cover every topic from mental health to your own childhood, your past and current romantic relationships, your support network, your job, your finances, etc. They'll visit your house and want a tour. They'll look at your entire medical history and get you to do a private medical. They'll want DBS checks and social services reports (if applicable) from every country you've lived in. They'll want multiple references for you, including from an employer if you work. They'll chat with your own kids if they're old enough and want to know your parenting beliefs and what your routine is like.

They'll write reports up which you'll likely get to see and request to redact info before it goes to the judge at court. I replied to our first report with 30 points for corrections and redactions.

If a family member does get to care for your nephew, social services want it to be permanent. They'd be considered a kinship carer and there is financial support available as you'd be considered a foster carer. They'd get a weekly wage plus extras for Xmas, birthdays and other big events. They'd also get constant support from a key social worker.

I also wanted to add that there would be a legal arrangement for how the parents would have contact with your nephew. They wouldn't be allowed to just show up at the kinship carer's house. It would likely be a weekly/fortnightly arrangement at a contact centre

This is so sad, I'm just appalled reading it. I have to say that if your nephew is already so traumatised that he is lashing out, then perhaps it might be best for him to go to foster parents who are experienced in dealing with very abused children. He will have a much better chance of recovering and healing in that kind of environment. That said, if there is any possible input from you and your sisters/parents etc. I would advise you to spend money on a psychotherapist who deals with trauma, child ptsd and so on. As another poster has said, it won't be a case of him just slotting into a relatives h'ome and being "fine" if family care is allowed by the Social Services. He does need experienced carers. I hope you can have an ongoing relationship with him going forward.

I think he is hurting and is craving stability. If your sister can step in I think that would be best. But it will be hard work. If you can help. Foster care can work well. I know families that are foster carers. But children are often moved from foster families and out of area having to change schools etc. plus getting involved with other children with issues.

@GirlOfTudor I'll share this with my sisters, thank you. at least we know what to expect.

if the application took a year, were your dns staying with you for that time?

to be honest I was thinking more like 2-4 weeks.

Hi OP, NC for this. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it all sounds incredibly stressful. I was abused and was put into care when I was a couple of years older than your DN, so I thought I’d try and offer up my experience from the other side.

I was also traumatised although I wasn’t violent towards others, only myself. I was initially placed in a foster home but unfortunately it wasn’t a nice environment at all - this was many years ago and things have hopefully improved, and certainly there will be some very kind and experienced foster carers out there although I understand there is a shortage.

After the placement didn’t work out, I was moved to a children’s home and then eventually on to a different children’s home in another area of the country (the first children’s home wasn’t fit for purpose and has since been closed down following various scandals).

For me, care was merely about surviving (literally at points, I was assaulted by other teenagers on two separate occasions). Children’s homes are not nice places, and certainly not places to thrive. I still have nightmares about some of it. Fortunately I managed to stay out of trouble and keep away from bad crowds, but I got almost no education from these institutions, gained no qualifications and am only now at the point of finishing an undergraduate degree at the age of 33.

My entire extended family abandoned me at the point I went into care (not that they’d had much to do with me in the first place). They were very well-to-do and I think they felt I was a problem child and brought shame upon the family. I wished more than anything one of them would’ve taken me in, or that I could’ve been adopted by some lovely family (was never going to happen at the age I was).

Traumatised children can go on to thrive in stable, supportive homes but I understand how the prospect of being responsible for someone so damaged by abuse would be incredibly daunting. Whatever happens, taking an active role in his life, being an aunt he can turn to, talk to, feel safe with, will be invaluable to him. Make sure he knows he is loved and that none of this is his fault, and encourage him to keep up with his education as much as possible. I hope it all works out.

I'm so sorry nephew and wider family are exeperiencing this OP. Clearly you and wider family have tried to help, but I don't think anyone who has not been in your situation is in any position to criticise - these situations and delicate and complicated and people can't just ride in and extricate a child from a bad situation, even if they are family.

It sounds like a horrible situation for all but I hope that your sister isn’t guilted into giving up what sounds like a fantastic life and career. I bet that conversation would not be had if she was a brother.

Just to add - reading back through my post I’m not sure it was clear… when I say my extended family abandoned me, I mean vanished off the face of the earth. I never heard from any of them again until I was in my late 20s (by which point I wanted nothing to do with them). I wasn’t at all suggesting that you or your sister not taking your nephew would be abandoning him. I hope that makes sense.

@Pawspawspaws That must have been so scary.
Well done for somehow managing- Likewise another poster who said she looked after her alcoholic mother- and feared finding a parent dead, and others who told their stories here
All this is very traumatising and alarming for children.
Well done for breaking out of it.

Those children who are lucky enough to have two loving parents and a stable home life are like a ship
with a solid keel.
They are just better prepared for life.
Those who knew loss and fear and abuse- they are on the back foot, but can do well.

One man with a less than stellar upbringing said “I learned to be my own parent “ ..

Complex story, but the older 2 were with their dad as it was largely the mum at fault (and the parents had split again). The youngest was a newborn with his mum in a mother and baby mental health hospital, then they were both in supported accomodation, then back to the mental health hospital and now the baby is with his dad.
I don't know where you are in the UK so timescales could be different for your family. Good luck with it all. I hope your nephew gets the support and love he deserves wherever he ends up 💗

THIS

This poor child really needs people who can do more than love him.

He needs people who know how to cope with his rage and violent behaviour, and who have enough emotional distance to stay dispassionate when he lashes out at them, screams abuse, and destroys everything he can reach. He's violent and aggressive because he's frightened and he doesn't know how to trust.

Being dispassionate doesn't mean they won't care - they will- it just means thatchy will be able not to take things personally and will therefore be able to keep their emotions on one side.

For you and your other sisters - this would be impossible. You love him and you are worried sick about him - that alone will make it almost impossible to give him the discipline he needs as well as the love and stability he craves. He will deliberately hurt people who try to help him to test them out. For you this may mean he will hurt your children - you can't risk that. Your sisters will also have areas of vulnerability that he will home in on and exploit. He won't be able to help himself. He is 10 now, and physically manageable, but in two years, three years - four at most, he will be stronger than you.

The likelihood is that if you or other family members try to help him t=you won't be able to cope, and he will end up in care in 2/3 years time, with even more damage done - damage that won't be your fault, but will happen anyway because he will feel betrayed and be even more disturbed if he ends up "abandoned".

You obviously all care about him very much, to even be considering taking him into your homes, knowing how damaged he is already, and that he is becoming violent. Love him enough to let him go to people who know how to cope with him.

You may be able to keep in touch with him (letters, perhaps days out etc), but @LeilaRose777 is right - he needs someone who knows how to cope with the difficulties he is experiencing and which he'll act out until he feels safe enough to let it go. He needs much more specialist care than you are able to offer, poor boy. My heart aches for you all - it's a terrible situation.