Social services have taken my Nephew

[socialserviceshelpplease]

DN is almost 11, he has been taken out of my sisters care because of serious neglect and abuse spanning over his whole life.

There is going to be a court case on Monday and I don't know what to do, what to expect. Will he be there? Will his parents be there?

Everything that's come out is pretty horrific and he isn't taking it well. He is staying between a few family members and has been for a few weeks but it's been deemed very likely that he can't go home ever and they have asked whoever can to do some sort of Fostering assessment?

My mind is blown and I cant process anything. I'm googling but it's all quite long winded and I'm not sure what type of assessment or even what type of court case there will be.

We will also be having mediation (I think) where my nephew will be seeing his parents through an outside party rather than through me or family members. We have asked for this because sis and bils behaviour is difficult and they have taken him forcefully before and we almost lost the chance to have him back.

I won't be even able to have him as I have my own children and his behaviour is putting my own kids at risk of serious harm.
My other sister is considering it (but she works and there are a hundred other factors) she is saying she will put her life on hold but it will likely cost her her career (overseas, lots of travel)
I just don't know what to do or what to even ask the social worker (who is being quite vague, to the point I don't even know what to Google to get the correct type of court proceedings info or anything really) and it's really hard to get hold of the sw anyway.

We will be having a quick chat for questions hopefully tomorrow, maybe Monday and i just want to ask here first so I have an idea of the questions I need to ask.

For example if the aunties can't have him, will he go to a Foster carer or a care home?
What happens if the assessment/ application is rejected?
How will we pay for his food/ bus pass/ other expenses?
Can we say no to the parents visiting property if their child lives there?

Sounds like your poor Nephew has witnessed things I won't go into here, with possible substance abuse and all that goes with that.

A very good book I began reading in Waterstones a few years ago was ''Criminal'' by Caspar Walsh. {Pictured as a child}
Couldn't put it down, so had to buy it.

He had a very difficult childhood, including having to deal heroin and crack cocaine with his father.{His dad got him to use these drugs to calm him down}

He writes with humility.

I hope your Nephew somehow breaks the cycle of abuse he has endured so far.

Posting as a Support Worker who works full time in a children's residential care home, I find your post offensive.

If no family is able or approved for SGO of your DN he will go into a long term foster placement, these will be people who are equipped to handle older children and will usually be a placement until they’re 18+

Parenting a child who has experienced trauma like this is a huge undertaking, you won’t be approved if you aren’t up to the task. Also don’t feel pressured to peruse this, it’s not something many can cope with.

payments for SGO are also not the same as fostering allowances, so money is also not as good, you’ll also have less funding for help from SS.

There was a story in Wales Online about this recently. They didn't get the allowances that normal foster families would get.

I can’t understand this either. How can a relative who’s not been involved enough to do something about it now expect to be involved in what comes next?

The poor boy’s been let down by the whole extended family, not only his parents.

"Your sister saying she'll put her life on hold but it'll cost her entire career...if she really cared about her nephew she wouldn'tbe treating him as this massive inconvenience and "sacrifice"."

That's totally unfair.

Oh how sad. I should have been removed around a similar age. Therapists say if today's standards were in place I would have been. I am in my 40s and still have lasting trauma, despite good uni degree, family, kids. Work has been hard and everything has been a struggle. And I'm someone who miraculously didn't fall into addiction/crime but I do have very bad health (the body keeps the score...)

Anyway. I never understand why my extended family didn't rescue me, or step in. I think in their own way they did at xmas (gifts of underwear/soap/practical things as I didn't have them) but they didn't realise the day to day trauma of not knowing if you were safe or would get food or would find a parent dead.

Just to say with adult eyes it is a HUGE undertaking to support someone with trauma. I needed somewhere safe but nurturing and also the chance to keep asking the same questions, make mistakes, learn how to function and I never got that. If you can do that with your sister it will be invaluable but it is a huge task.

He may mistakenly want to go back to hos mum. I spent several xmas's with a drunk mother. I was offered by my dad (divorced but next to useless) to go to my grandparents for Xmas but I felt I couldn't leave mum in her own and had to protect her. I also downplayed how bad it was, partly as I didn't understand how it was supposed to be. It wS my normal.

I know my story will be different but just an insight
Starting secondary is tough and will need SO much intensive support. I so hope you and your sister or a good Foster carer can give that to him.

Not all areas have foster carers who will take children of this age.

In some places they will automatically go into a home with a handful of other older kids.

It's dangerous to assume it's family vs foster care.

Also placements break down more frequently at this age so there's a good chance he will pass through a few placements esp if he's already showing aggressive behaviours.

Families can and do become kinship carers even if the kinship carers still have contact with the parents. Unless the child is strongly against contact it is likely the court will impose a legal requirement for contact, highly likely supervised, by carers or social services staff. Even when the child has been removed they will still try a rehabilitation home plan especially if contact progresses well.

In some areas kinship carers get good financial and practical and emotional support so I'd recommend investigating what support you/ your sister/ other family would get before making any decisions.

Your sister saying she'll put her life on hold but it'll cost her entire career...if she really cared about her nephew she wouldn'tbe treating him as this massive inconvenience and "sacrifice". She would have just stepped in.

That's grossly unfair - it’s a huge undertaking to care for another child, it is a huge sacrifice and not acknowledging that does no one any favours. It’s ok to worry about your career (if you can’t work how do you house and feed a child). Given his trauma her nephew may not be able to tolerate childcare, or indeed mainstream school, anyone taking this child needs to consider what his needs are likely to be and their capacity to meet those needs. It’s responsible to do so, and to recognise when you just don’t have the resources needed to cope with those challenges.

If your other DSis might be able to have him could other family grandparents/you care for him when DSis needs to travel? I don't know if this is even an option or too much moving around, just maybe there's some way between you all you could work out so he can be with family. I can't imagine how hard it would be for him otherwise.

Hi OP,

So, if you're at the start of proceedings there will be a hearing to timetable all of the rest of the hearings/assessments that are due.

The SW will need to do family viability assessments - these are to initially assess any family members who might be willing to care for your DN. If family members are willing and pass this first stage then it would likely go on to Special Guardianship Order assessments.

You could request to be assessed as a foster carer, to care for DN. You would get the financial support, virtual school support (extra school funding to support his education and input from them), and ongoing support from SWs. However, an SGO offers some level of funding not nearly as much though - but means you won't have to be held to rigorous foster care training and visit standards and would be able to get on with life as a family. Downsides to each but I'd probably choose FC over SGO until things were very settled (you can always be assessed for SGO after a period of being a FC but not the other way round).

He is unlikely to be at court at his age and will be represented but parents should be there ideally, with their legal support.

SW has to be vague to some extent as they can't be seen to be predicting the outcome of court (a lot of the time you have a rough idea but can't say for sure) but it would have been good for them to explain the situation to you.

Also yes, as a PP said - very very unlikely to be put for adoption. Likely family, foster or residential care home

look at secure childrens homes. They are different to childrens homes that are often run by for profit organisations. Secure childrens homes are for young people who are at risk of harm. They have onsite psychologists therapists etc there are only 12 in the country and are difficult to get into but they do amazing work

Also, he is likely to have supervised contact at a contact centre if there's been abuse/neglect.

look at secure childrens homes. They are different to childrens homes that are often run by for profit organisations.

Secure accommodation is an option of last resort because it effectively removes liberty from a child - the local authority won’t pay the very high costs for such accommodation unless there’s an evidences need ie all other options have been tried and failed.

He would end up in a children's home. At his age and worse of his an ethnic minority- please do not let this happen. It would be much better if a family member takes him on. Through that, you can ask social services for your nephew to attend a weekly residential school for children with social and emotional health needs (where he would have access to onsite therapists, counsellors) and he can return to you or the family member during weekends and holidays. This is a much better solution.

For example, this is a residential school which specialises in supporting children with social, emotional health needs;

merrywood.org.uk/our-other-therapies/

Poor kid, ideally he would be taken on by a family member as his other option is likely a children's home, which is not ideal for already traumatised children.

I’m not sure a family member is the ideal solution, not at all. This child needs an experienced foster carer who knows about trauma. That would be first choice, way above family.

He won’t automatically end up in a ‘childrens home’

and it’s laughable that you think SS would fund the residential school, that’s incredibly unlikely

@DrWhitWho

No, the family would have to cross bridges but he is more of a chance of them funding it due to his history. Just because something is difficult to get, doesn't mean that the OP or his family should not push to get it and the way things are going, this option seems to be a better option.

I agree @Teeshirt a solid foster placement with an experienced foster carer would be a good option, someone who has worked extensively with traumatised young people. Family can be committed and very well intentioned but utterly unprepared for the amount of work needed to support this child’s recovery from trauma - and once placed with family the reality is there is little support ongoing.

Specialist residential schools or care placements are thin on the ground, eye wateringly expensive and reserved for young people where there is literally no other option, so don’t go into thinking about caring for him based on all this specialist support, because it’s highly unlikely to be provided at this stage. There is very little support for parents of traumatised kids, even if you know your way round the system.

You are woefully mistaken, your comments so far have proven you have very little experience or understanding of this

No, the family would have to cross bridges but he is more of a chance of them funding it due to his history.

There really isn’t, funding is based on evidences need, and a trauma history in and of itself doesn’t meet any criteria that I know of. I had to fight tooth and nail for my DD to get a minimal service from CAMHS, she has an extensive trauma history which impacts every part of her ability to function hence her being adopted.

It’s not about it being difficult to get, it’s about someone, anyone basing a decision to commit to parenting a traumatised child based on the availability of specialist school provision or residential care provision that in reality won’t be available to them unless the child’s behaviour is so out of control that there’s no other way of caring for them safely. And then you need to really stand your ground to even be considered. A decision about family taking the child’s needs to be made on the assumption of minimal support, because that will be closer to the reality.

That poor boy💕