Social services have taken my Nephew

[socialserviceshelpplease]

DN is almost 11, he has been taken out of my sisters care because of serious neglect and abuse spanning over his whole life.

There is going to be a court case on Monday and I don't know what to do, what to expect. Will he be there? Will his parents be there?

Everything that's come out is pretty horrific and he isn't taking it well. He is staying between a few family members and has been for a few weeks but it's been deemed very likely that he can't go home ever and they have asked whoever can to do some sort of Fostering assessment?

My mind is blown and I cant process anything. I'm googling but it's all quite long winded and I'm not sure what type of assessment or even what type of court case there will be.

We will also be having mediation (I think) where my nephew will be seeing his parents through an outside party rather than through me or family members. We have asked for this because sis and bils behaviour is difficult and they have taken him forcefully before and we almost lost the chance to have him back.

I won't be even able to have him as I have my own children and his behaviour is putting my own kids at risk of serious harm.
My other sister is considering it (but she works and there are a hundred other factors) she is saying she will put her life on hold but it will likely cost her her career (overseas, lots of travel)
I just don't know what to do or what to even ask the social worker (who is being quite vague, to the point I don't even know what to Google to get the correct type of court proceedings info or anything really) and it's really hard to get hold of the sw anyway.

We will be having a quick chat for questions hopefully tomorrow, maybe Monday and i just want to ask here first so I have an idea of the questions I need to ask.

For example if the aunties can't have him, will he go to a Foster carer or a care home?
What happens if the assessment/ application is rejected?
How will we pay for his food/ bus pass/ other expenses?
Can we say no to the parents visiting property if their child lives there?

@Jellycatspyjamas

I'm not well versed on the social care proceedings and you have given OP excellent advice so far.

But in terms of specialist support. I think you have been misguided. I am aware you have professional experience in that area but I do feel that some professionals are "blind" meaning that they don't know what's out there/other options/etc and they just merely go by their 'own' organisation's rules and conduct.

You certainly do not have to be 'high need' and a risk or care placement to get a place at a specialist school even for the LA to fund for a residential setting. There are many children who are not deemed "high need" but have been very successful in attending specialist settings and residential placement.
I am very much a- 'if you don't shoot, you don't score type of person. But, understandably and honestly it does not appear that the OP and her family are wanting to take the nephew on. So I'm not going to stay up and write about how OP can seek support for the nephew.

Growing up, I have known many care leavers. Most appear to have follow similar trajectories, some are teenage parents, no qualifications, past on from pillar to post, attachment difficulties and the list goes on. Of course, it depends on what type of adoption it is, the families, the care homes. I do not envy the OP at all and it is a difficult decision to make. Just giving me thoughts on other options that the OP could seek. Just because something is X doesn't mean you won't get X.

SS will apply to Court for an Interim Court Order. Your DN will not be in court.
I understand contact will be directed by the court, probably supervised by a social worker initially, possibly permanently while he’s in care.
Assessments are then done and meeting held where opinions are sought from social worker, teacher, contact supervisor, possibly psychologist, Ed psych, doctor, school nurse , police ( any mixture if these, not necessarily all of them) and a neutral person appointed by the court to represent the child. This can take up to a year, maybe even longer.
SS can eventually apply to Court for a final decision:
Child is returned to family if deemed safe.
Child can be adopted.
Child can be permanently in care of a family member
Child can be long term fostered.

My experience of all of this is a few years old but I don’t think things have radically changed. Applies to England and Wales, may differ in Scotland and N Ireland.

The care home I was in uses to call the police to come and tell us to go to bed 😂😫 I left in 2006, when I was 16. Nowadays, they vastly greatly in their professionalism, but the council run homes remain pretty awful.

We don’t. We have a special guardianship order for our grandchildren. We love them but it’s been really hard.

If I were you I would do everything in your power to help your nephew and your sister if needs be. He needs routine, activities, security and even though you have children I’d set up regular times that you take him out to things that give him secretory, whether it’s the cinema, sports, swimming,‘I’d be throwing the kitchen sink in trying to create a stable base for him. He’s 11 but with a really good stable environment and lots of support he has some kind of chance. Your sister I don’t think will be able to do it on her own. Concentrate effort for the next 1-2 years will be so worth it.

Poor kid. Sounds like he needed to be out of that home long ago. We are failing him as a society.

Secretory? Oops. Security 😳

I’m not the only person in this thread who have mentioned how bad children’s homes are.

Yours is a good one.

Others are not. Many aren’t equipped with experienced staff who can handle the trauma associated with prolonged and systematic victims of abuse and neglect. This in many cases isn’t the staff fault they have had no training etc. some unfortunately just don’t care.

. The bullying that can go on in these homes because staff cannot monitor full time.,

Policies within them often come with rules about how close you can get impacting the nurturing he will need especially in the early weeks/months as his life has just been ripped apart. The rules are understandable considering the history and lessons learned.

It’s also no secret that many care leavers have also gone down the life of crime. There’s been loads of reports over the years. How much child on child crime is happening in some of these places or is it all exploitation from strange adults outside the home.

Moving from a bad one to a good one is hard due to spaces thus a long wait.

I know it’s hard to feel personally attacked when the negatives come up. however there are times these things need highlighting. Some people have the believe that homes are like Tracy Beaker. Might be one around would love to know where.

@socialserviceshelpplease
Haven't got time to read whole thread, hopefully you've had some really useful advice. If you want to speak to someone for advice and guidance in real life both about the court process and connected care then I'd highly recommend calling the family rights group - link below. They are a really helpful and respectable organisation originally, some of the trustees are parents with experience of social care. I've met a few and they are pretty incredible people. I'm a social work manager and always promote their support line to parents/family members.
frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/

Not sure what the originally is doing in there!

If you work in a children's home I do really think it is only fair to acknowledge that a great many people (myself included) experienced a significant amount of suffering in children's homes. I left in 2006. Whilst you may work in an establishment which isn't poor, it is very widely known that children in care face adverse circumstances which effects their life chances. There is a strong correlation between homelessness and being a care leaver, for example. I'm sure you are aware of this. I certainly won't stop talking about how more needs to be done to tackle these entrenched inequalities, I feel I owe it to those still moving through the system, since I am in a situation now to influence change. If this offends you, that's just too bad.

@Benjaminsniddlegrass I was just going to add about family rights group!
@socialserviceshelpplease I can see a few people on here are trying to explain the process, but honestly it's too complex and nuanced to be explained in a Mumsnet post, especially to an understandably worried poster.
There is a really good guide on the Frg website on each stage frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/what/care-proceedings/

Please ignore the posters guilt tripping you about not taking your nephew in. If it's not right for them, then it wouldn't work - however you can still support your DN if they are in family or foster care - please do chase the social worker to make sure they know if you can/want to be involved, and what that would look like (eg visits, trips out, or just keeping in touch)

I don't understand how you knew things were mad enough years back but non of you took him in?

@Melonapplepear we must have been in homes around the same time. How are you doing now? Have you ever read Lemn Sissay’s My Name is Why by the way? I read it last year and it helped me tremendously. Sorry if I’m hijacking the thread, it’s not often these subjects come up!

An awful lot of exploitation from predatory adults outside of the home, unfortunately. You only need to look at Rotherham and Rochdale for a recent and succinct explanation of that. More to the point, the police continue to view children in care as less relevant than other young people. There is undeniably a culture of victim blaming. And as for Tracey beaker she was the bane of my life as a care kid whilst she was at her peak 😅🙄

I haven't, but I will definitely check it out. I'm doing really these days (mostly!). But these topics are very important to me, I always have plenty to say about them 😂 People just don't realise how much of a disadvantage it places young people at, it's disgraceful how negligent the system is.

I sometimes feel like people don’t realise children’s home still exist, like they’re something from a Dickens novel or, like you say, Tracey Beaker. I’ve spent most of my adult life hiding the fact I was in care because people don’t really know what it means and don’t know what to say. Care leavers are some of the most overlooked people in society, so often swept under the carpet and left to fend for themselves. At least that’s how it was when I left care anyway. I was very fortunate not to get wrapped up in drugs and other things care leavers I knew were doing at the time, although I did go on to endure a series of violent, abusive relationships because I had absolutely no sense of how a person was supposed to be treated.

I’m really glad. I try to get involved in these discussions as much as possible but so often I’m the only person speaking from experience! It’s good to ‘meet’ another care leaver.

@Toomuchtrouble4me

that is a completely unecessary and quite frankly vile remark.

putting other children at risk is not the solution here and may not actually be in best interests of the child involved. Traumatised children need a lot of time, attention and theraputic input. Living in a household with other children is not only putting them at risk, but will probably not give him what he needs.

You really have no idea

Yes I definitely agree with that it's almost like they see it as some kind of Dickensian idea. I was also very much left to get on with it. I unfortunately got caught up with drugs, but I am now 32 and in my final year of a master's degree in social research. I do feel my experiences give me a really helpful insight. And definitely keep talking it's so important to put the other side out, although many people are reluctant to listen or change Thier views. I keep trying though 😂

That’s amazing, well done you. Your voice will be so valuable in that field. I’m in my final year of an undergraduate degree and then I’m off to medical school next year. I feel like that time is finally far behind me and my life is just beginning.

I'm just stunned that you feel entitled to write such a post. It's very easy to judge when you are not in their situation as a family they have obviously tried very hard until you have walked In their shoes you have no right to judge.

To those who had a hard time as children in residential care homes, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I work for a charity that runs children's residential care homes and a family assessment centre. All staff have mandatory training in attachment disorders and many other relevant topics. By far the majority of our young people are supported 1:1. After a child leaves one of our mainstream homes (it's slightly different for those who have disabilities) they are still supported by staff from the charity for a few years. I was reacting to the blanket statement that all children's residential care homes are awful. The only time I've had to call the Police was due to a young person going missing as it's part of the young person missing from care procedures.

Recognising limitations is bloody important in these situations. The last thing needed is a broken down placement or trouble between the OPs children and her DN.

It doesn’t do anyone any good if people are pushed beyond breaking point.

Good grief.

Judgemental much?

She's a decent Mum who recognises that her own children will suffer for many different reasons, if she takes in a seriously distressed and damaged child.

Also, why do so many people on this thread assume that simply by virtue of being a blood relation, someone should give two shits about a relative's responsibilities?

(Obviously the OP does give a lot more than two shits about her nephew, but why it is assumed that she MUST is beyond me.)

I care about my brother, but I don't feel the tiniest smidgeon of responsibility for him, his wife, or his DSD and DSD's DD. I definitely wouldn't ruin my own life by taking on responsibility for any of them, because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I couldn't cope.

That doesn't make me a bad person: it makes me someone who can feel deep sympathy while at the same time acknowledging that it's "not my circus and not my monkeys" and I have to take a step back from something I'm not in a position to influence.

Exactly as the OP is not in a position to influence the outcome of the tragedy that's been her nephew's life to date.