Social services have taken my Nephew

[socialserviceshelpplease]

DN is almost 11, he has been taken out of my sisters care because of serious neglect and abuse spanning over his whole life.

There is going to be a court case on Monday and I don't know what to do, what to expect. Will he be there? Will his parents be there?

Everything that's come out is pretty horrific and he isn't taking it well. He is staying between a few family members and has been for a few weeks but it's been deemed very likely that he can't go home ever and they have asked whoever can to do some sort of Fostering assessment?

My mind is blown and I cant process anything. I'm googling but it's all quite long winded and I'm not sure what type of assessment or even what type of court case there will be.

We will also be having mediation (I think) where my nephew will be seeing his parents through an outside party rather than through me or family members. We have asked for this because sis and bils behaviour is difficult and they have taken him forcefully before and we almost lost the chance to have him back.

I won't be even able to have him as I have my own children and his behaviour is putting my own kids at risk of serious harm.
My other sister is considering it (but she works and there are a hundred other factors) she is saying she will put her life on hold but it will likely cost her her career (overseas, lots of travel)
I just don't know what to do or what to even ask the social worker (who is being quite vague, to the point I don't even know what to Google to get the correct type of court proceedings info or anything really) and it's really hard to get hold of the sw anyway.

We will be having a quick chat for questions hopefully tomorrow, maybe Monday and i just want to ask here first so I have an idea of the questions I need to ask.

For example if the aunties can't have him, will he go to a Foster carer or a care home?
What happens if the assessment/ application is rejected?
How will we pay for his food/ bus pass/ other expenses?
Can we say no to the parents visiting property if their child lives there?

Take your rose tinted glasses off. The boy is severely damaged and is violent. The ops children and the op are at the mercy of his aggression and violence.

You really believe that after years of abuse he can move in with the OP and it will be like the Walton’s?

It won’t be long before he’s a teenager and any anti social and lashing out behaviour will greatly increase.

He needs to be in the care of people experienced with children like him who understand his complex needs and won’t be swayed by manipulation and can handle the violence and destructive behaviour.

The care system is dire atm.not fit for purpose.I don’t want to make it pressured or worse but that’s just how it is.lying won’t help.the care system.homes and foster placement are either non existent or too often just as abusive themselves.

I no that it would be hard. But to give hope,healing can be done with the right help.with safety and care and love healing can happen.so you say about his behaviour now is true.but he’s literally just been rescued and it’s all so raw and exposing for him.and again it wouldn’t be easy but he can be helped. He can heal to a level where he’s not this damaged.

This doesn’t have to be true either.your stating one side.but it doesn’t and often hasn’t worked that way for some who do heal to a level where they can live even thrive with the right love and care

I went for custody of my cousins children. I was deemed unsuitable due to my other children and realistically it was a lot to take on..however I was a huge part of their rehabilitation back to their mum. There was a huge incident within the home that sent mum to prison until she was found non guilty. But they had deemed the incident linked to her parenting.

One ended up in foster care. One ended up in a children's home. The others were older and one ended up in a special guardianship. She's since proved herself and has regular visitation with the one in special guardian ship, and has custody of the one in foster care and the other child is now older. She's also had another.

It's a very emotive world. And you can still support the child if they are put in foster care, Just make yourself known. You just need a few basic checks. But it does the child a world of good to know that someone loves them and is there.

I did every other weekend for about a year. For the child in a home as she was moved out of county 4 hours from home

Hi, I'm a social worker in this area. The court case will be an initial hearing for an interim care order which is an order that allows the local authority to share parental responsibility for the child involved (there are other orders they can apply for but I am assuming it will be an ICO in this case). Both parents will be there with a solicitor and the child is then represented by a childrens gyardian from CAFCASS (they have a great website you can look at). They will be his voice in court. The social worker will also be there. Mum, dad, guardian and social worker will be represented by a solicitor (parents can represent themselves but a solicitor is best and they will get free legal aid).

Care proceedings usually last approx 26 weeks however it can be longer if there is delay or issues that arise. They will be asking family members to come forward to have a full connected persons assessment to see whether he can live within his birth family as this is always best for children. If there are family members who can care for him immediately and the court agree that he can't live with his parents at the moment then they will do a regulation 24 assessment and place him there pending a full connected persons assessment. During the proceedings, there will be further assessment of parents to see whether or not he could safely return home. A final care plan would then be put forward by the local authority and the court will have to agree that care plan - the guardian would also put forward whether or not they agree. The guardian will visit your nephews throughout proceedings to ascertain his views and may want to visit extended family too.

It sounds like the 'mediation' is supervised contact where he will see his parents in a safe setting supervised by someone. These sessions will form part of the parenting assessment that will be completed in the care proceedings.

Hope this helps. Maybe write a list of questions for the social worker or the guardian (you can request for the guardian to visit you). It's likely that all information can't be shared with you at this stage due to confidentiality so it can feel quite frustrating.

Sorry just to add. If he can stay with a family member then there is financial support to the family known as tbe fostering allowance - it is important that the family member is open about what support they would need to care for him as the local authority will be eager for this to happen. The family members would have their own social worker for support and there is access to therapeutic parenting, CAMHS for the child, peer support with other foster carers, respite arrangements etc.

Also for those saying that they are surprised the OP won't have him, if she has other children and the child is violent or has a lot of behaviour issues they have the insight to realise the affect this can have on the other children. Is it worth OPs children being abused in the process? I did the process and due to me having other children the final verdict was pretty much - I was a fabulous mum to my own children, but didn't have the capacity to take on 3 more. With 1 of them having additional needs.

@socialserviceshelpplease

When it comes to social services they do try to always place the child with family.

If it doesn't happen and none of you can take your nephew then he will be placed in foster care.

Someone I know had her 3 children removed for neglect. The worse thing was she raised the alarm because their dad did something and then school got concerned and was removed from my friend.

I was living in temporary accommodation at the time and my child and I was dealing with a lot.

I was absolutely so heartbroken but I believe in her case. She had foster carers, and her family stepped forward. She battled everyone and challenged everything she wasn't happy with what was happening with them.

The only problem was she didn't see anything wrong in what she did but blamed the father for them being removed.

We stopped talking but I heard she got them back and not even sure today how it happened. Maybe she had to do courses prove to them she was capable of looking after them. Then I did hear they got back involved but they were watching her still.

It's horrible for any child to go through and I pray and hope your whoever takes your nephew he just settles somewhere and is not moved around.

A lot of supervised visits you go through and it really all depends on the situation.

Sometimes there is family meets with social worker. That can be helpful too.

You have to be very strong for your nephew. I understand you have your own children but please consider taking him in. If honestly you can't I do hope your other sister can. Think they will assess your situation if you can too. This part scares me though because you got to be careful yourself.

It's very tough from seeing and hearing all what happened to this person it's so horrible and poor children are damaged.

Unfortunately I no longer speak to this person which is another long story.

I am sorry not much I can say but be very strong for your nephew let him know your there for him even though you can't take and you will visit him.

@socialserviceshelpplease

You and your sisters have tried and it seems you have all gone through a very tough time.

It's sad it has got to this.

Concentrate effort for the next 1-2 years will be so worth it.

Its not concentrated effort for 1-2 years though, it’ll be a lifetime of providing support - well into adulthood. At 11 there will be significant cognitive, psychological and developmental harm to this lad which needs very strong support and therapies to overcome, and even with that support in place he has a long road ahead of him.

He’s had a lifetime of chaotic parenting simply moving him to a safe place isn’t remotely enough.

I don't see her really, I think she wanted to re build her life. From what I can tell the kids adore their new sibling. But I don't think anyone will recover from those 2 years. It was truly awful.

@binglebangle567 I care! Your post made me so sad. I really hope you do manage to go on and have a happy life and find your people and feel loved.

Many PP have explained the ‘system’ very well. I just have some thoughts, both as a SW with a background in child protection, court work and adoption, and as an adult who experienced significant trauma as a child:

You sister and you should not feel railroaded into taking your nephew. It is a huge commitment; parenting a child with trauma and is no mean feat. The impact on your lives and those of your children would be significantly affected. Think about your own parenting belief systems. Your nephew may need to be parented following a therapeutic parenting model which could differ greatly from how you choose to parent your own children. Having said all that, research shows that removed children have the best outcomes in a nurturing and positive setting with loving family.

However, you have to have your eyes open and consider the implications. If you and your sister decide that you can not manage, there is NO shame in that.

SS will invariably want to push for an SGO if your sister opts and is assessed to have your nephew. It is cheaper and less work for them! My advice would be not to accept this. There will be more money and support (albeit also more monitoring ) as foster carers.

If your nephew goes into the care system, he will be a Looked after child. SS will seek a foster placement initially. He may strike lucky with good foster carers who he can settle with. Although tbh, it is more likely that he is moved from one placement to another and residential care is also strongly possible although SS will try to avoid this.

it is true that outcomes for LAC are poor. They are overwhelmingly more likely to end up homeless, in prison, poor mental health, drugs, risk of sexual exploitation and so on. Educational outcomes are also poor.

If your nephew moves into the care system, intervention and support from extended family will be invaluable. Make it clear that you wish to have regular contact. See him as much as you can. See if they will agree to weekend or holiday overnight visits. Send cards and letters (much better and more touching than text messages). Remember birthdays and difficult dates for him too. Make it clear that he is loved, that he has family and so on. Such involvement could ameliorate the risks to him posed by the care system.

Finally, do not negatively judge him if he does get involved with crime, drugs or similar. He needs to know unconditional love from his family, as you would show your own children.

@binglebangle567 I also care! No one should have to go through what you did, and what some others on this thread did. I know how it feels to be completely alone, to not have a person in the world who cares, checking in on you, to feel like you belong nowhere, not looking before crossing the road.

Have you heard of an organisation called StandAlone? www.standalone.org.uk It’s for adults who are estranged from their families. They have regular support groups and workshops where you can connect with others, some of whom also know how it feels to have no one.

If you’re feeling suicidal, there is an organisation for people under 35 called Papyrus that has helped me a lot in the past www.papyrus-uk.org

There is also the Maytree Centre who helped me enormously. www.maytree.org.uk

You’re late 20s now, still young and things can change. Things didn’t start changing for me until I was 30. I spent my 28th birthday planning my suicide after failing an attempt the year before. There is hope. Please don’t give up.

Excellent advice from @ShirleyHolmes

You CAN'T just take someone else's child!

If you read the OP's posts you will see that numerous family members reported them to SS.. That they physically helped the family - cooking, cleaning, buying clothes etc and having the boy staying with them for various lengths of time but THE PARENTS REPEATEDLY TOOK HIM BACK. They were supported but the COURTS which GAVE HIM BACK.

Just 'taking in' another couple's child is ILLEGAL.

Sometimes it enrages me that the court system in this country is the way it is, in that that social services (which seems to want to keep 'the family' together at all costs - even to the detriment of the child) has so much power over court judgements.

Had this child been taken into care at a young age he would have had a much better chance of a stable life. I'm not saying he would have had no problems, but they could well have been surmountable, and he would have learned how to cope with them. Now the poor boy is so damaged by his unreliable - in fact, downright appalling - parents that he may never truly learn how to trust.

Stop blaming the OP for this - you can't just "take in" someone else's child.

If the parents insist on taking him back, and the SS and courts support them, it can't be done.

Well said.

Quite right Bobby

Too many people think we live in a Disney world where animals talk and do the housework and damaged children can learn to trust again at the flick of a switch and a few kind words.

It doesn't work like that. Early neglect and abuse leaves permanent scars. At best the children learn to cope with them - but they don't go away. This boy is entering his teens - he will soon be at an age where a physical outburst will be dangerous for an adult to cope with, never mind other children. He needs specialist help.

If he’s violent, I really think a male relative needs to take him in. It’s not fair to expect a woman to home a violent boy who will be bigger and stronger than her in just a couple of years. Are there any men in your family who could help?