Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me

[Mummabear21324]

I basically feel embarrassed to even put this on here however I need others point of view. I asked my partner of 11 years when he’s horny does he ever get the urge to make love to me. Reason I asked this as I always feel he doesn’t make love to me. His reply was “no not really”. I proceeded to tell him my feelings are hurt by that, he then tells me “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”. I then tell him that’s gaslighting, which he respond “everything is gaslighting”. I love my partner so much but I honestly just feel he completely lacks feelings that I don’t. Help

I'd get the same answer from my DH tbh.

Not really sure what you mean.
Do you mean "make love" as something different from "have sex"?

Gaslighting? It’s a term that’s widely misunderstood and massively overused on here and I don’t have a clue what you meant by it? It sounds like you’ve thrown that at him before too.

He doesn’t seem to be attracted to you, you knew or you wouldn’t have asked him, so do you want to stay with him?

You haven’t given much context. What do you want help with? You can’t change how he feels so I guess you accept it or split up.

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to.

What is sex normally like OP? What’s your interpretation of making love?

I wonder if you'd already had the conversation in your head and then got upset when it didn't go as planned? I'm not sure what you meant either. Do you often have conversations like this?

I do think his response wasn't designed to make you feel good, but I also wouldn't call it gaslighting which is something very specific.

Do you mean the type of sex you have? As in 'making love' with meaning rather than just, er, shagging like an animal to fulfill a need?

I’m not overly using the word gaslighting. To tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing or telling me I am too sensitive is an example of gaslighting. I should have been clearing on the making love part. What I am meaning is slow and passionate sex, that makes me feel connected to him. Obviously I don’t want it like that all the time - it’s more the point I never get that. Yes it does make me feel as if he’s not attracted to me however when I say this he reassures me that he is and he loves me. That’s the part that leaves me confused. He is great in many other ways, we have good fun together, he makes me laugh although the passion is lacking and he doesn’t seem to have the urge to want anything other than fast sex where there is not much connection.

Yes a bit of both would be nice 😂

‘Making love’?
Ugh who still says this? What does it mean?

Sex is normally fast and rough and over and done with and just not much emotional connection. My interpretation of making love would be as I have described below.

What would you call it then? @UWhatNow
I can understand OP's question was yours really necessary?

If it makes you feel better I will rephrase it to slow and passionate sex where I feel desired.

By the sounds of it your not getting “made love to” either 😂

Having sex.

Of any variety, sex within a marriage should always be loving no?

Im not sure you are communicating properly with each other. I wouldn’t class that as gaslighting though.

I did want the answer. It’s okay to ask a question, want the answer and for the answer to hurt me. Pointless input from you don’t you think? 🙄

Everyone is different to me sex and making love are two different things. Rough sex to me isn’t loving, I enjoy it but I wouldn’t classify it as loving.

I don't think the word 'horny' naturally sits alongside 'making love', so that's maybe why he said no. Horny (to me) kind of goes with earthy sex. Slow passionate sex is more a response to a feeling of connection and passion.
I dont think him misunderstanding is the issue, it sounds like you are not getting the connection you want.

If you're not getting what you want then you should communicate.

You also shouldn't label things gaslighting when they aren't. There's an issue that is a big deal for you, and he feels isn't. He's being unempathetic, especially as a lot of people would feel as you do but that's not gaslighting.

I remember your username op - have you posted about him before? He doesn’t always treat you well? Something about your birthday?

Communication between us is difficult. As I’m an emotional, deep and overthinking person, whereas my partner is the opposite. This is something that has improved over the years although he lacks affection and intimacy and deepness.

So…. He’s shit in bed?

I’m not sure what you are referring to as in birthday, as I don’t think I have ever posted anything in relation to my birthday.