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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me

149 replies

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 22:20

I basically feel embarrassed to even put this on here however I need others point of view. I asked my partner of 11 years when he’s horny does he ever get the urge to make love to me. Reason I asked this as I always feel he doesn’t make love to me. His reply was “no not really”. I proceeded to tell him my feelings are hurt by that, he then tells me “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”. I then tell him that’s gaslighting, which he respond “everything is gaslighting”. I love my partner so much but I honestly just feel he completely lacks feelings that I don’t. Help

OP posts:
Futuristik · 09/11/2022 23:00

Tell him it is a fantasy of yours and describe it and ask him if he'll do it when you're both in a good mood. Probably just doesn't occur to him.

mathanxiety · 09/11/2022 23:00

If you don't like the way he goes about having sex with you, tell him you're not going to have sex with him unless he tries really hard to do it the way you want it.

You're not a piece of meat.
You're dealing with an entitled twat.

A relationship that's ok in some ways but where you're basically putting up with him using you occasionally for the kind of sex he prefers is basically the relationship of a man and a roommate he sticks his dick into.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:01

There are different levels of gaslighting. When I say gaslighting I’m meaning subtle gaslighting which if you Google yourself my example comes under. I do communicate, I am always very open with my feelings, it’s just my partner is the opposite and can be very shut down with his.

Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me
OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 09/11/2022 23:02

OverTheRubicon · 09/11/2022 22:57

If you're not getting what you want then you should communicate.

You also shouldn't label things gaslighting when they aren't. There's an issue that is a big deal for you, and he feels isn't. He's being unempathetic, especially as a lot of people would feel as you do but that's not gaslighting.

This. It's bad communication, gaslighting is thrown around on here.

You asked a question. He answered in a way you didn't like.

UWhatNow · 09/11/2022 23:03

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 22:59

I’m not sure what you are referring to as in birthday, as I don’t think I have ever posted anything in relation to my birthday.

Ok sorry my mistake.

MMmomDD · 09/11/2022 23:04

OP - why not communicate with your partner in less round about way - and actually say what you mean?
Why not say - I like fast and rough sex, but sometimes I want it also slower. It makes me feel more wanted and more loved.

You seem to assume that he is exactly the same as you. That to him - slow sex is more passionate and means more connection. Why do you think that people are all identical?

Hoe do you know that to him - fast sex doesn’t mean the heat of passion he feels for you?

It is also somewhat passive aggressive of you to accuse him of not making love to you (in the way you seem to define it) - and hence not loving him. Or it’s possibly gaslighting…. If one had to use this term.

He told you you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Not a great communication move on his side - he should have tried to understand what you were actually telling him. But that is NOT gaslighting.

musicalfrog · 09/11/2022 23:04

I’m not overly using the word gaslighting. To tell me I am making a big deal out of nothing or telling me I am too sensitive is an example of gaslighting.

Sorry for your situation but this is not an example of gaslighting. It's quite a specific form of emotional abuse whereby the abuser causes the victim to doubt his or her own reality.

RishisProudMum · 09/11/2022 23:05

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 22:56

Everyone is different to me sex and making love are two different things. Rough sex to me isn’t loving, I enjoy it but I wouldn’t classify it as loving.

Are they different things to him? Did he even understand what you were asking?

MaybeNotThisYear · 09/11/2022 23:06

It is not gaslighting to say you are too sensitive. It's invalidation. Gaslighting is also not a single event - You can't gaslight someone with one comment.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:07

I don’t fling the word gaslighting around. I know the meaning and I know how it made me feel. To tell me when I say I’m hurt that I’m making a mountain out of a molehill is denying my feelings and my experience. I don’t do that to him. I would reassure him if he told me something I said hurt him.

psychology police out to get me 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:09

It wasn’t a single event though. I just haven’t described everything on here. Although he maybe hasn’t intentionally gaslit me. To tell me im making a mountain out of a molehill and I’m too sensitive and then say it isn’t like that. Is trying to change the reality of what actually occurred - gaslighting

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:10

Yes. I explained what my interpretation of both was. It’s something that keeps occurring in our relationship is the lack of intimacy/affection. 🤕

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 09/11/2022 23:11

It isn't gaslighting though - it's his opinion that you're overthinking it. Accusing someone of gaslighting is accusing them of being abusive.
Gaslighting is used on here far too much with several posters not actually understanding what it is/means.

musicalfrog · 09/11/2022 23:11

You seem very sure of your own experiences and reality OP.

Which suggests to me that you are NOT being gaslit at this point.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:11

There are multiple forms of gaslighting and just because the gaslighting is mild doesn’t mean it’s not gaslighting.

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 09/11/2022 23:12

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:09

It wasn’t a single event though. I just haven’t described everything on here. Although he maybe hasn’t intentionally gaslit me. To tell me im making a mountain out of a molehill and I’m too sensitive and then say it isn’t like that. Is trying to change the reality of what actually occurred - gaslighting

Honestly, OP, until a few posts in, many of us were genuinely unclear as to what you wanted/were asking for/the issue was. Is it possible that your communication with your partner is not as clear as you think it is?

Also, you’ve told us about one event, so that’s what we’re commenting on. If you want opinions on additional events/circumstances, then tell us about them.

1POTUS · 09/11/2022 23:13

It's not gaslighting.
You keep saying it is. It's not. His opinion was making a mountain out of a molehill which you have done, as the question doesn't make sense really as you've used the word horny.
And when someone's 'horny' it doesn't really go with passionate, slow connective sex.

Horny is just wanting a shag. If you rephrased the question to him and said 'when we're having a deep meaningful moment, do you get the urge to so and so...' would've been better.

Horny doesn't equate passion and slow.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:13

Yes I am sure of my own experiences as I have an MSc in Counselling & Psychotherapy and have studied the different forms of gaslighting. Others shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss mild forms of gaslighting, just because they don’t classify it as abusive.

OP posts:
Joey69 · 09/11/2022 23:14

MMmomDD · 09/11/2022 23:04

OP - why not communicate with your partner in less round about way - and actually say what you mean?
Why not say - I like fast and rough sex, but sometimes I want it also slower. It makes me feel more wanted and more loved.

You seem to assume that he is exactly the same as you. That to him - slow sex is more passionate and means more connection. Why do you think that people are all identical?

Hoe do you know that to him - fast sex doesn’t mean the heat of passion he feels for you?

It is also somewhat passive aggressive of you to accuse him of not making love to you (in the way you seem to define it) - and hence not loving him. Or it’s possibly gaslighting…. If one had to use this term.

He told you you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Not a great communication move on his side - he should have tried to understand what you were actually telling him. But that is NOT gaslighting.

Agree with this ^^, looks like you asked him a question & got and answer that you didn’t like ,?

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:14

We don’t have deep meaningful moments in the bedroom - hence the problem.

OP posts:
RishisProudMum · 09/11/2022 23:15

Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:11

There are multiple forms of gaslighting and just because the gaslighting is mild doesn’t mean it’s not gaslighting.

The fact that someone disagrees with you or your interpretation of events doesn’t make them a gaslighter. People get to have different and equally valid opinions. You cannot say accuse your partner of gaslighting you every time you have a disagreement - which seems to be the case from the ‘everything is gaslighting’ comment.

Deadringer · 09/11/2022 23:16

Yes there are mild forms of gaslighting, but they always involve manipulation. Do you feel he is manipulating op, and if so, to what end? The sex sounds a bit crap but communication seems to be the biggest issue ino.

Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me
RunicWords · 09/11/2022 23:16

MaybeNotThisYear · 09/11/2022 23:06

It is not gaslighting to say you are too sensitive. It's invalidation. Gaslighting is also not a single event - You can't gaslight someone with one comment.

I don't think the OP is after a precise definition of the word gaslit. It wasn't her question.
Stop nitpicking... I understand exactly what she means and I suspect you do too.

Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:17

Yes I agree me using the world horny has contributed to the miscommunication. I think it’s more than what I have described on here, as I have described to him what I need, what I want and we have open discussions on both sides regarding that. The problem is he doesn’t put the words into actions and over the period of 11 years, without that passion I feel insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummabear21324 · 09/11/2022 23:18

Thank you! Jeeeez don’t know why everyone is fixating on it. Picking a problem, rather than giving me helpful advice which I am looking for.

OP posts:
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