Asked my partner does he get the urge to make love to me

[Mummabear21324]

I basically feel embarrassed to even put this on here however I need others point of view. I asked my partner of 11 years when he’s horny does he ever get the urge to make love to me. Reason I asked this as I always feel he doesn’t make love to me. His reply was “no not really”. I proceeded to tell him my feelings are hurt by that, he then tells me “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill”. I then tell him that’s gaslighting, which he respond “everything is gaslighting”. I love my partner so much but I honestly just feel he completely lacks feelings that I don’t. Help

Do you by any chance work at marks and Spencer’s?

My parents ( in their 70s).

I don’t get this. 11 years and you still haven’t explained to him that you want a different style of sex on occasion.

I would find protracted, slow, intense sex a bit weird and wouldn’t enjoy it. Doesn’t mean I don’t love Dp. I would give it a go if he really wanted (he is the romantic hearts and roses type), but I can’t imagine I would enjoy it. But he would definitely need to take the lead and show me what he wanted.

You, now, asked him a question in a really odd and contradictory way and angry that he answered honestly. Then you saw your arse and got upset with him. He thinks you are over reacting. You think he is gas lighting because he thinks your over reacting.

But you are over reacting because you asked a confusing and contradictory question and then assigned all sorts of feelings to the answer. Not your own feelings. But his feelings. You decided what it meant. Asking people an open question wanting them to give one answer and deciding a lot of meaning that they haven’t said on their actual answer and Telling them what their answer means, emotionally to them, is closer to gas lighting.

He invalidated your feelings. You invalidated his, by telling him how he actually felt.

If you aren’t happy with the quality or type of sex you are having, you need to just tell him.

After all this, you still haven’t told him you are unhappy with your sex life and what you actually want. It’s really odd

If you love him as you say you do and he is seeing a psychiatrist at the moment to try to help him improve his communication - amongst other issues...... give him some time.

He needs you to care not criticise

I think you asked your dh the wrong question. instead, yoj should be more direct.

you need to tell him that the short, fast sex leaves you unsatisfied more often than not. You need him to put more effort in to meeting your needs in the bedroom.

You have an MSc? That was fast! When did you get that?!

Really OP? You have a MSc in Counselling & Psychotherapy. I am surprised by this because you really haven’t demonstrated any of the understanding or behaviour that I would expect to see from someone with this qualification.

This thread alone illustrates your poor communication skills. I too don’t think you fully understand what gaslighting is. Yes your H was dismissive of your feelings but there’s not enough information here to determine if his dismissiveness was a deliberate attempt to manipulate you to make you question your own reality.

Your communication needs to be less opaque and terms like ‘making love’ should only be used if the person your saying it to understands what you mean.

Or want to 🤣

Horny 🤢
Making love 🤢

Ps it's not gaslighting

I think this is probably the main issue...

You want love making, to feel desired, a deep emotional connection.

He's not interested in that and just wants straightforward sex that meets physical needs.

His response of "no not really" re desiring what you want is just as valid as your response to it.
There's no right or wrong with sexual desire. A good analogy might you wanting him to like a luxury chocolate just because you do and being really disappointed that he doesn't. Most people would say 'OK, you don't like that chocolate, that's ok'. The trouble with sex is that feelings around it are more loaded than whether you like a certain chocolate... but the principle still stands.
I think it would be worth exploring your feelings around the differences between you and your partner and acknowledging that those differences won't change (but perhaps your reactions to the differences could, or perhaps you might explore whether a different person could meet your needs better).

As PP suggests this is probably your issue ^^!, to be honest you sound a bit full of yourself ,, how someone can “lack intimacy “, I don’t know, it’s not a personal trait, but I’m sure with you degree you will explain that to me

just use plain language, tell him want you want in the bedroom and stop with all the Gaslighting BS.

If you have an MSc in Counselling and Psychotherapy surely you already know the answer to your question. Your partner is a crap shag who doesn’t care about your needs in the bedroom and no amount of you telling him that will change things because he’s getting his needs met already.

I'm quite shocked by the amount of negativity directed at the OP here. Most Mumsnet posts receive mostly replies trying to help and only a few trying to have an argument - this seems to be the opposite! I think OP showed a lot of patience with this thread.

I think @Poppins2016 just made some good points. I'll add a suggestion that perhaps you could try making an agreement with your partner that once a month you get to make love in the way you'd like (so you give some pointers beforehand and maybe call the shots a bit during) and once a month he gets to choose whatever he'd like (within reason) and see if that leads to greater mutual understanding and/or some good nights.

I totally get what you mean with the making love and rough sex.
I love slow sex where the penis hits all parts and you can see it going in and out lol. And they look at you lustfully and not just over your shoulder! But I like this even when in a new relationship too. Rough sex doesn't do as much for me.
You should be expressing this to your partner, tell him what you like. It's not just about him.
Not really gaslighting, he's just answering without putting any thought in to it. Explain it to him.

What @Ekátn said.

You weren't clear with your question or happy with the answer but it sounds like your DP was just truthful. He isn't into Hollywood film style sex. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

But you are, so just tell him that. Tell him what you want him to do and hopefully he will oblige, to make you happy.

Whether you are compatible or not is a different issue. You want him to be more like you emotionally but he just isn't. If you're not that way inclined it can be very difficult / frustrating to be with someone who over thinks everything.

I also meant to say as well...but he's emotionally shut down and I would struggle with that. When you got together what did you think his redeaming qualities were?

@Mummabear21324

I totally get why your upset as I often feel the same with my DP.

But it's the type of sex men want from behind like doddy style sometimes you feel like your being used. Because it's over in minutes it makes you feel horrible inside. Sometimes less off passionate kissing sex you get these days.
I swear some men want women who are like porn stars.
Sorry to be a big graphic to you OP and others.

If you feel like he doesn't love or you get less of it maybe you take the lead. Have no idea about these things but that Passionate sex sometimes boring to them.

It definitely need to be addressed this issue but have no idea myself how you approach it.

I'm sorry the thread deteriorated. Personally I would not stay with someone whose idea of sex was only rough sex. I would feel that he didn't love me, couldn't communicate with me and was treating me like an object.

How and why did you get into an 11-year relationship with him when you're neither sexually compatible nor, it seems, emotionally compatible, and nor do you seem to like him?

My advice is to not be in a relationship with someone if you don't like having sex with them and you think they're shallow.

I do get original point of post. The OP wants some loving sex sometimes and was trying to express that. A bit of urgent passion is all very exciting but I think men these days learn lots of bad habits through porn and can be very mechanical.

Come on, it's obvious how to approach it.

If you don't like that kind of sex don't be in relationships with the men who do like it.

There's no reason to resign yourself to crap sex. There are other men, but of course being single would also be preferable.

There are some really nasty, snide comments on this post. Why are people so unpleasant?

Someone comes on here with a genuine problem that would be difficult to discuss in the real world. Then she is mocked for ‘supposedly’ using the wrong term (I understood her immediately, that her partner was making her feel as if that particular concern wasn’t valid - although their relationship is good in other areas.) Then mocked for struggling to clarify her term.
Then people start mocking her for being a psychotherapist but seeking the advice of other women. Or asking to hear their personal experiences.
That really is beyond ridiculous. Do you think all therapists have lovely, perfect lives? Maybe we should all train. Sometimes it can be easy to see other people’s lives objectively and hard to see our own like that.
OP, sorry I don’t have advice but hope you can sort it out with your partner … and please ignore the nastiness on display here. Women should support each other.

@gannett

I was responding to the OP and I am no therapist so really don't how she could approach this. Other than taking the lead.

Be open with your DP about your needs.

I do blame it on porn.

But you can tell when it's love making and just sex.

Based on the info you have shared about the situation, he hasn't gaslit you. The examples here are only 'gaslighting' if they come from a place of manipulation e.g. at attempt to make you doubt your sanity. A difference of opinion is not gaslighting and he is allowed to believe that you are too sensitive or over reacting.

Well this has been done to death 😂 should have read the whole thread before commenting 🙃